The LOST Diaries:ROTD
by robo t
Summary: From buttonpushing hatches to wet Walts to the newbies on the Misplaced team to fake hot balloon crash survivors, she's been through it all, even the crappy plotlines. The second season of The LOST Diaries, complete!
1. Man of Science, Man of Faith

(A/N: I feel like I've just been rudely awakened by a very peaceful dream. Well, now that I'm up… I decided to call this season's Diaries the LOST Diaries: ROTD, meaning Return of the Diary, for anyone that doesn't spot the LOTR connection. …But I really don't have to worry, do I? This way, with all the other seasons I could just call them ROTD 2, ROTD 3, and so on and so forth. That is, if I'm not in a psych ward by then.)

the LOST diaries :ROTD pt. 1

DAY FORTY-ONE:  
6:OO a.m. –LOST

I feel like I need a well deserved sleep. The entire camp has been up for days. Last night, we decided to have an unofficial all-nighter. Charlie told everyone that there really were no "Others", but, just in case, if you fall asleep you'll die. With that positive thought in mind, I decided to check up on Jack, Locke, Kate, and Hurley. Popped up in the bushes right by where Kate and Jack were.

"…I need to know you've got my back," Jack was saying.

"…I've got your back," Kate answered.

"Why are we whispering?" I hissed.

Kate jumped up. Jack, as instinct, I'm assuming, shoved me as hard as he could, causing me to fall back into the bushes and land (with great difficulty) on the ground.

"Stop sneaking up on us like that!" Kate snapped.

I was too busy lying on the ground, trying to ignore the immense pain of getting scraped by a billion thorns, when I heard something. Something…odd. I lay there, with my ear to the ground, listening.

"Mama…Cass?"

Sure enough, "Make Your Own Kind Of Music" was PLAYING FROM THE GROUND. And I was just lying there, when all of a sudden a weird image flashed in my head. It was another one of those "flashback" thingies, but I got the distinct feeling that it was happening at that very moment. A man whose face I couldn't see was dancing around, making smoothies, and listening to the same song.

"STOP!" I heard Hurley yell, and saw him running towards Locke, who was lighting the fuse. "DON'T OPEN THE HATCH! STOP!"

Jack tackled Hurley to the ground just as the dynamite exploded. We all looked at the hatch. It was open. Jack, Locke, Kate, and I crowded around it, even though I had the great feeling of unease… There was something down there.

"How deep do you think it is?" Jack asked.

Locke dropped a rock down the hole. We heard a clunk and splash come from the bottom.

"Forty feet," Locke said. "Fifty, tops."

"Fifty feet?" I asked. "Do you really think so?"

"Well, yeah."

"No, no…that can't be. Toss another rock in."

When he didn't and just continued to stare, I dropped one.

"One. Two. Three," I said, counting until I heard the clunk. "Thirty meters."

"And how'd you get that?" Jack asked.

"Simple. Every time an object falls, it falls relatively ten meters per second. Therefore, by counting the seconds to when it lands, we can determine that it takes about thirty meters."

"Which would mean about ninety feet," Locke said.

Jack sniggered. I sighed.

"Well, my people don't go by feet! Go ahead, go down your damn hole," I said, standing up and walking towards Hurley, who was just standing behind everyone else and looking worried.

"So, it's a forty foot drop…"

Locke and Jack argued over whether we should go down the hatch or wait till later. Jack convinced Locke that we should at least go back to the caves and tell the others what we found. As we were walking back, Jack cornered Hurley.

"What happened back there?" Jack asked.

"What do you mean?" Hurley asked.

"Hurley, you were trying to stop Locke from lighting the fuse. I had to tackle you to the ground."

"Oh, that."

"Yeah, that. What was that about?"

"...I was in a psych ward for a while, and this guy...Leonard...he kept repeating these numbers over and over---4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. I guess they must have got stuck in my head. So, when I got out---well, shortly after, like a couple of months after---I was buying a frozen burrito when I decided I should play the lottery, and since the only numbers I could think of were those numbers, I played them. And I won...$114 million. But then, after, bad things started happening all around me---my grandpa died, my house burned down, the chicken place I worked at was hit by a meteor...well, actually that would have been a meteorite... So tonight, I saw those same numbers stamped into the side of that hatch thing, and I knew we couldn't open it."

"Wait...you were in a psych ward?" Jack asked.

Hurley glared at him.

"Psych ward, Hurley?" I asked, once again scaring Jack, causing him to run across the two meters to where I was standing and shoving me down. After brushing myself off and spitting out a mouthful of dirt at Jack's back, I said, "Why were you in a psych ward?"

Hurley just gave me a cold stare.

"Oh, I get it. You worked in a chicken place, right? Fast food? I bet you kept a diary or something and you wrote how you wanted to kill everyone at your job, someone found it, and you were taken to the mad house for it, right? Am I right?"

Hurley gave me a weird, puzzled look. We just stood there in awkward silence. Jack made a sudden move, which I took as means to strangle me, and I ran off to the caves. I was hoping for the chance to get some sleep, but I noticed that when anyone started to nod off, Charlie would creep up to them and yell as loud as he could in their ears. The only thing that kept me from completely passing out was looking up and seeing Shannon, who, in only a few hours, has turned into some sort of cave woman (well, considering the location…), and her hair seems to have grown and taken a mind of its own. She was asking if anyone had seen the dog, and when they said no, she would sigh in exasperation and wave the torch she was holding dangerously close to the person's face. I, terrified that the she-devil would approach me, walked off into the woods to see if I could find the dog. Shannon and Sayid followed me, so I hid in the bushes surrounding a weird clearing. Sayid must've seen the dog and ran after it, and when Shannon tried to do the same, she fell. I sniggered, and heard a dozen whispers do the same. Shannon seemed really creeped out by it, especially when a drenched Walt appeared and started talking backwards. Luckily, since I took a Backwards Talking class in college, I managed to find out what he was saying.

"Dab si nottub eht. Nottub eht sserp t'nod."

Sayid came storming back, and Walt vanished. I stayed in the bushes and watched them leave. I felt an icy water drop on my shoulder. I slowly turned around, to see Walt standing over me, that same scary blank look on his face.

"Walt?"

"Lewot a deen I."

I fumbled in my pockets and pulled out the blue blanket that had been covering the trap that Charlie had so stupidly walked into. I didn't even know I still had it. When I looked up to give it to Walt (not like it would've helped…), he was gone.

"Ypeerc…" I muttered to myself.

I walked back to the camp. Everyone was just standing around, staring at the spot where Jack would be standing in a few minutes to give his speech. When he was talking, I stood next to Steve. Or at least I'm pretty sure it was Steve. Steve's the one with the glasses, right?

"Don't you think it's a little odd-"

"Yes," Steve answered before I could finish.

"I didn't finish, Steve."

"Well, everything on this island is odd."

"True. But I was thinking more along the lines of this plan Jack's got. Why does he automatically assume that we can hide in the hatch? He hasn't even gone down there yet, we haven't a clue what could be waiting for us."

Steve nodded.

"I mean, only a writer for a dramatic TV show where nothing really makes sense would have that kind of logic."

Jack finished "reassuring" us, and Locke walked off with a bunch of cables, saying he was tired of waiting. Shortly after, Kate followed. I thought it would be really boring to just sit around and wait for Charlie's screams to pierce the silence or to listen to Steve mutter all of Edgar Allen Poe's darkest poems under his breath, so I decided to go to the hatch. There was Locke, getting ready to lower Kate into the hole. I looked at the cable rope, which was tied to one tree, went around the trunk of another, and tied to Kate's waist. I assumed that Locke would be holding the rope at some point, but I was still skeptical about this pulley system idea. Kate was climbing down the ladder.

"What do I say if I want to stop?" she asked suddenly.

"Stop?" Locke said, surprised.

"Popcorn," I said. They both looked at me. I crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Popcorn!" in a dorky voice. They continued to stare.

"Oh, go down your damn hole," I muttered.

Kate was climbing for about two minutes when I heard a loud snap. One of the trees fell. Locke lost control of the rope for a second and Kate screamed. I didn't know what to do, so I ran to the remaining tree and hugged it. …I thought this would make it stay put, or something. Locke now had to control Kate's weight on his own, pretty much, and I could hear her counting. She skipped "six", but I felt it not the time to be a wiseass and comment. All of a sudden, we heard her scream "POPCORN!" and a sudden burst of light came from the hatch. She was gone. My first thought was to get Jack, so I started running to the caves. But another one of those flashbacks got me. It was Jack's, I think. He had a distracting full head of hair. All I remember was him running up stairs, and talking to a dude. The man was weird, philosophical, and Scottish. And he really liked saying "brother". The flashback ended abruptly when I felt my face stinging.

"Ow! What the-"

Jack slapped me across the face.

"I'm up, knock it-"

Slap.

"Stop it!"

Slap.

"You look stupid with hair!"

He stopped.

"What?"

"Uh, Locke and Kate are in the hatch!"

He ran to the hatch and started to wrap rags around his hands. I ripped the blanket in half and started wrapping it around my hands, too.

"Why are we doing this?" I asked.

"So we don't cut our hands climbing down," he said.

"Oh. …'We'?'

"Yeah. You're coming down, right?"

"Well, I would, but… I'm kind of afraid of heights."

"Oh, don't worry. After all, it is only thirty meters," he winked.

So Jack climbed down, landing with catlike grace on the ground and waiting for me to come down. I decided to use my Spiderman skillz and forget about the flimsy cable rope. I put a hand and foot on each wall, realized I was stuck, and tried sliding down the hatch. For the most part, it worked. Well, if you ignored the loud screeching noise my fingernails and sneakers made as I slid down, or the fact that I fell the last fifteen feet and landed on my backside. Jack was staring at a pair of shoes, which we recognized to be Kate's, and walked by a wall that appeared to have a strong magnetic force. We discovered this when the key around Jack's neck started to float and my pants nearly were ripped off because of my belt. I got out of there fast, and walked into a little dome room filled with old computers. Jack followed and walked over to a computer, but a voice stopped him from touching any of the keys.

"I wouldn't do that," Locke said. He was standing in the doorway we just came through.

"How did we not see you when we came in?" I said.

Jack raised his gum and asked, "Where's Kate?"

Locke didn't answer, but a gun being held by someone behind the doorway nudged his head.

"Drop the gun," Locke said.

"Is this what you were talking about Locke?" Jack said. "Is this your destiny? All roads lead to here."

During this, I slowly walked over to a machine in the corner. Was this the place I'd seen earlier? Why'd it look so different? The machine was buzzing softly, calling my name… I pushed a button.

"_DOWNtown! Things will be great, when you're DOWNtown!"_

"Turn it off!" a Scottish voice yelled.

"I don't know how!" I yelled back.

"_No finer place, for sure, DOWNtown!"_

"Push the button next to the one you just pushed, brother!" he yelled.

I did. It worked.

"You…" Jack said.

I turned around. Jack was staring at the man. I froze when I saw him. It was the stair guy.

(A/N: Well, there you go. I did my best. Tibby is officially back.)


	2. Adrift

(A/N: I don't know if, when you're watching LOST, you think at all about what Tibby might be doing on the island and writing in her diary. Well, I do. I'm not sure if any of you noticed a specific factor in this ep, but I found this thing in a summary that might trigger your memory.

"And we back up in time to see the journey into the hatch from Locke's perspective, where he encounters Desmond…"

TIME. Oh, this is the Lost writer's way of getting back at me, I just know it. Unfortunately for them, I DEFY ALL LAWS OF TIME AND SPACE. Uh, just wanted to warn you before you read on.)

the LOST diaries :ROTD pt. 2

DAY FORTY-ONE:  
8:OO a.m. –LOST

I've managed to defy the laws of time and space. I know, I know, you say it's impossible. But I somehow managed to do it. How, you ask? Well, I don't really know. It all happened last night when Kate fell down the hatch.

"I think there's something down here!" she yelled. "POPCORN!"

The bright light flashed, and Kate was gone. Locke looked down the hatch. My first thought was to get Jack, so I ran off. As I was doing so, I had one of Jack's flashbacks and blacked out. I know this because I saw myself do it. Yep, there's nothing that will wake you up more then getting up to realize you've left your body behind. I walked over to it, and poked it with a stick. I don't know why I did this, but it caused my body to twitch a lot.

"I wouldn't do that," a voice said behind me.

I turned around. A woman who looked a lot like me was leaning against a tree. Well, I guess she would look a lot like me if she didn't look like a time traveling crack addict. Her spiky purple hair and lit cigarette were all I could really see in the firelight.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"I go by many names," the woman said. "Loki. Plague. Pepito. You can call me Sabine. Or just Bean."

"Okay, Bean," I said. "Can you tell me what the hell is going on?"

Bean took a last drag and flicked the cigarette in the bushes.

"You split in two, pretty much."

"What?"

"You're going to have to part ways for some reason. And the only way for that to happen is… well, what's happening right now."

I looked back at my twitching body.

"Did I die?" I asked.

"No," Sabine said. "Think of yourself as cloned. You have all your normal capabilities, and so does she. You just are going to be in two places at once."

I stared at her blankly. What? She sighed.

"Have you ever heard of Harry Potter?"

"Oh… This is like a time thing, isn't it? Why didn't you say so? "

She started to walk away.

"Wait, where did you come from? What do I have to do? Am I a wizard?"

"I'll meet up with you later," Sabine said. "For now, your fate lies in the hatch."

I looked back at the hatch, then my sprawled body on the ground.

"Hey, am I going to be alright?" I called after her. "My body, I mean?"

"Yeah," she answered. "You'll be out like that for another fifteen minutes, though."

She walked off, and I just stood there, contemplating my options. I didn't really have any. So down the hatch I went. I met up with Locke there.

"I thought you were getting help," Locke said.

"I thought better of it," I said. I looked down. "Why'd you take off your shoes?"

He ignored me and continued walking. I examined the shoes he left behind. Gandalf, does Locke have very small feet. I followed Locke into a room where Kate was sprawled on the floor, unconscious. Locke tried to wake her up, and I felt something poke my back. I turned around and saw a man holding an AK-47, and he was aiming it right at me.

"Are you him?" he asked Locke, still pointing the gun at me.

"Yes," Locke said. "I am him."

The man looked at Locke suspiciously, even though he was aiming right at my forehead.

"What did one snowman say to the other snowman?"

Locke didn't answer. The man walked closer.

"Chill out!" I said. The man looked at me.

"Is that an order, or is that the answer to the riddle?"

"That depends, is it the answer?"

"I'm not telling you."

"Well, it's a stupid riddle. I wouldn't be surprised if you made it up yourself."

"Tie her up," the man barked to Kate.

"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea," Locke interrupted. "Kate's a fugitive; she's much more dangerous than Tibby. She can kill you."

"Yeah, well, right now, this little runt is starting to annoy me to death."

My natural reaction to being teased is my lip starts to tremble and my eyes get real big and shiny. I didn't even realize I was doing this.

"Oh, don't cry, it was just a joke," the man said, looking at his shoes awkwardly. He turned to Locke. "Fine. Tie your friend up."

Locke tied Kate up and shoved her in a closet. The man turned to me.

"There are lollipops in there. You can get one, brother," he said, pointing to the closet. In a way, all that smoking and drinking stunting my growth paid off. The man obviously thought I was twelve or something. I opened the closet door and shut it behind me. The closet was pretty dark, and as I searched for the light switch I tripped over Kate.

"Ow!" she said. "Tibby, is that you?"

"Yeah. What are you doing on the floor?"

"Trying to get out of these ropes," she said. I could hear her squirming around on the floor and making little squeaks of pain.

"You know, I could help you if you like."

"No. I can do it myself." She continued to make noises, which were now louder grunts and painful to hear.

"Okay, I did it," she said, and she turned on the light. "Where'd you get those lollipops?"

I pointed to the many shelves behind me, which were stacked with food. Kate found the candy bars and ate one with visible delight.

"Mmm!" she said. "This is delicious! Yum! Positively orgasmic! I don't think I've ever had a better candy bar in my entire life!"

She went on like this for about two minutes. I looked around, trying to find anything that would distract her and make her shut up. I looked up, and there was a ventilation shaft.

"Hey, look. A ventilation shaft."

She looked up and nodded. I piled a few crates and she stuffed the remaining candy bars in her pants. No, not in her pockets. Her pants. Then she climbed up the shaft and I followed suit. It's not very comfortable, crawling in a ventilation shaft, especially when you're behind a grown woman who has just stuffed a bunch of Apollo bars in her trousers. So, here we are, just crawling along. And she was trying to make small talk, too.

"So… Do you like… sports?" she asked.

I was trying to avoid bumping into her bum. Now I had to talk to it, too.

"Yeah…not really," I answered.

We came to a fork in the ventilation shaft. Kate scooted over to the right one.

"I guess we should split up," she said.

"Yeah, that's a good idea."

"Kate! Locke!" came Jack's faint calls. I gave Kate a Well-Guess-Who-Decided-To-Show-Up look, and she returned it with a You-Know-He-Likes-Dramatic-Entrances smile. We both went down our own shafts, and I came across a room with Locke and the man in it. The man was looking in a giant telescope thing or something, and Locke was standing next to him. The man walked over to a ancient record player and dragged Locke with him.

"Have you ever actually really listened to Jethro Tull, brother?" the man said, tapping a record. "I mean, really _listened _to it?"

"Umm…" Locke looked around awkwardly. "Hey, is that Mama Cass?"

"Yeah, it's her debut album," the man grinned. He puts the record on, and "Make Your Own Kind Of Music" blasted throughout the whole… place. I really don't know what to call it. A hobbit hole. Yes.

"Make one move and I'll shoot," the man said to Locke. At gunpoint, he led Locke to this room with machinery. From where I was, I could see everything from above what I assumed was the entrance door. The walls in this room were lined with ancient machinery and old computers. I looked down at the two people in the room, and there was a loud _clang!_ of my head hitting the top of the shaft as I jumped in surprise. Rubbing my head, I looked at Jack walking stealthily around the room, and myself walking clumsily and touching buttons and random objects. Jack was about to touch a keyboard when Locke showed up in the doorway.

"I wouldn't do that," Locke said.

"How did we not see you when we came in?" the Tibby in the room said.

"Where's Kate?" Jack said, as he raised his gum ;).

"Drop the gun," Locke said.

"Is this what you were talking about Locke?" Jack said. "Is this your destiny? All roads lead to here."

I spotted the Tibby downstairs slowly walk over to one of the machines. Gandalf, my hair looks stupid. Anyhoo, I saw her hand move closer to a button. Wait… The button! The button is bad! Just as this thought occurred to me, music blasted from the machine.

"_DOWNtown! Things will be great, when you're DOWNtown!"_

"Turn it off!" the man yelled.

"I don't know how!" Stupid Tibby yelled back.

"_No finer place, for sure, DOWNtown!"_

The man shot a warning shot at the vent across from mine. That would suck if it hit Kate. Then again, it would suck if it didn't. I heard something moving in the other shaft. It was a clacking noise, or something, and it seemed to be moving down the hatch. The bullet was somehow ricocheting off the walls toward me. I saw it coming, and lay down as flat as I could as it whizzed over my head. And hit a wall, and whizzed again. For a minute, it just kept bouncing off the walls. Then it stopped, and I looked up to see a single bullet rolling down the vent. At the end of the shaft, it was snatched by a hand. The hand's owner crawled into the vent, and I sighed as Bean came closer.

"What happened?" she said, looking at the many dents in the walls. Not waiting for an answer, she took out a cigarette from her pocket. "I guess you're wondering how to get back with the other Tibby."

"Not really," I said. "She's an idiot. I think I'll just stay in the vents, if you don't mind."

"_You're going back into your body!"_ Bean hissed an evil voice. Her eyes glinted.

"Fine," I said nervously. "How?"

She seemed to regain control.

"The other Tibby has a blue blanket," she said. "Do you remember it?"

"Yeah," I said, grinning at the memory of Charlie's head bleeding.

"Well, she ripped it in half," Bean said. "You have to somehow get hold of her, and you both have to hold a piece. Then you have to hold the pieces close enough, and you'll both become one."

"What about the blanket?" I asked.

"What about the blanket?"

"Will it also become One?"

She stared at me. "Yeah. Sure."

"Good. I like that blanket."

Bean put the bullet in her pocket.

"Toodles," she said, and crawled down the vent and out of sight.

(A/N: Sorry for this being written so late. As for the whole time blanket and Bean thing, don't worry. I discovered a way for it all to fit in with the theme of Lost. Um… Please review?)


	3. Orientation

(A/N: Watching Lost has affected me in positive ways and negative ways, as I'm sure it has for you. For instance, I no longer am surprised. Ever. Watching this show has completely depleted any surprise I'm ever going to experience in my life. "Gee, would you look at that. Jin can speak English. Kate's a man. The island is a big bio-dome on an alien spaceship, and _Pauly Shore is their leader!"_ Well, alright. I might be a little surprised at that. Or very amused.)

the LOST diaries :ROTD pt. 2

DAY FORTY-ONE:  
1:OO p.m. –LOST

Well, I managed to reunite with my clone. I was looking for a way out and ran into Kate, who had just discovered an escape route leading into a gun filled room. Kate immediately grabbed a shotgun and fumbled around for some bullets. There was an extensive search for the bullets, and it ended when we finally found some in a drawer that was filled with all sorts of ammo. I watched her sneak up behind Desmond and, after all that work, hit him with the shotgun instead. At least one bullet was fired, but it came from Desmond's gun and hit his precious computer. At this, Desmond started to whine and complain about how we were all going to die, I wasn't really listening. Where the hobbit was the other Tibby? I found her in the food closet, examining the dates on some wine bottles. Her hands were wrapped in fragments of the blanket. I didn't really know how to greet her, so I settled on walking really close to her and scaring her.

"1944," I said, reading the year over her shoulder. "Very good year. Well, actually, not really…"

"Hello," she said.

"Oh, so you know who I am, then?"

"Well, you're obviously me," she said.

"No, you're obviously _me_," I said.

"No, _I'm _obviously _you_," she said. There was a pause. "Oh, damn it!"

"Ha! Third time's the charm," I said. I looked at her hands. "Mind if I have a look at those rags?"

She took off the rags, and I saw that the tips of her fingers were pink and scratched.

"What happened to you?" I said.

"Tried using mad Spiderman skillz, yo," she said, taking a swig from the bottle she had just managed to open.

Whatever the hell that meant. I looked at the dirty rags and thought how stupid this was. How was I supposed to know if they were magical or not?

"Tib," I said, holding out a rag. "Take this one. I'll hold the other, and… I don't know, we'll hold them really close to each other and hopefully they'll magically become united."

"Why are we doing this?"

"So we can become united."

"Aw, I really liked being me."

I eyed the wine bottle she was holding.

"Don't worry; you'll still be part of me. Just the stupid part with the low self esteem."

She smiled. I held out one rag, and she held out the other.

"Alright, on three. 1…2…3."

Our knuckles rammed into each other's. It's really hard trying to put blankets together. It's not like they're puzzle pieces or something.

"Are we supposed to say magic words or something?" Tibby asked.

"No, I don't think so," I said, looking at the rags closely. "Maybe we have to sew them or something."

"We don't know how to sew."

"You're right, find some tape."

She found black duct tape and I taped them together. It looked disgusting and really lame. I looked up, and Tibby was on the floor, drinking wine and reading a soup can label.

"Honestly, Tibby," I said, walking over to her. "Give me the bottle."

"No!" Tibby cried, snatching the bottle and trying to scramble away. Of course, she's really slow, so I just grabbed the bottle out of her hands. Or, where her hands were. She had disappeared. I looked around, but it was obvious she wasn't there. I stared at the bottle. Then, out of nowhere, the impulse to take one last long drink from it popped into my head. Putting the nearly empty wine bottle on the ground, I went back to the computer room.

"What? What is this thing?" Jack asked.

He wouldn't leave Desmond alone. The man kept saying we were going to die if we didn't push in a certain code in a certain amount of time, and Jack kept asking what the machine was for. Desmond finally got fed up and told him to watch the movie. So Locke found the movie reel and fixed the projector, and we all sat in awkward positions on the couch and watched the short "orientation" film. I'll be honest; I wasn't really paying attention to the film. I was too busy trying not to laugh at the expressions on Jack's face. He just looks funny when he's confused. I did catch one part though. During the "Orientation" tape projection, the instructor on the tape said, "And do not attempt to use the computer for anyth..." And, of course, no one other than me caught the glitch. Didn't want to mention it an be discovered as the weirdo that finds every secret shot in Star Wars, or writes WASH ME on people's cars. The film ended. We all stared at the screen in silence.

"So?" Locke said. "What do you think?"

"This is pretty much the worst video ever made," I said.

"Tibby, like anyone can even know that."

"You know what, Tibby?" Jack said. "You can leave!"

I stood up to go. I needed fresh air anyways.

"You guys are retarded."

5:00 p.m. –LOST

I must not have gotten the memo. I went back to the caves, and they were completely deserted. Everyone was back on the beach. I guess they assumed that since they stayed up in the caves all night, terrified out of their wits, that when no Others showed up, they would just forget the whole incident happened and go back to living their normal lives. Well, except for that whole us being lost thing. On the beach, Hurley was talking to Sayid about how everything was turning back to normal. Once again, considering the fact that we're stranded on an island. All of a sudden, Kate ran out of the jungle calling frantically for Sayid. I hate irony. Hurley and I weren't invited to go, but we went anyway. I dreaded going back to that stuffy hatch, so I stayed outside and wondered how the hell they were getting in. Now that I was back to normal, I used my magical genie powers to pop out of the hatch. Was there another way in? Where? As I stood pondering, Desmond came out of nowhere and ran right into me.

"Sorry," he muttered, crouching to help me back up.

"Desmond," Jack's voice came from the trees.

Desmond stood up and faced Jack. He turned around quickly; so that the backpack he was carrying filled with glass vitals hit me in the face. I didn't even bother getting back up.

"Oh, you want the code," Desmond said. "It's 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42."

He turned to leave, and stepped on my hand.

"Wait," Jack said. "Why are you running?"

I had to punch Desmond's leg to get him off me. He had a weird look on his face.

"Do I know you?" he asked Jack.

"Never mind," Jack said.

"I do know you, don't I? Running!"

He continued to talk about their encounter in that stadium, and Jack kept saying "never mind". This was until Desmond came to the delicate subject of the woman Jack was talking about in the flashback.

"What happened to her?" Desmond asked.

I secretly think Jack is a woman. Or maybe he suffers from some weird mental thing where he has mood swings every five minutes. Or maybe he's just a pansy. Ha. Pansy.

"I married her!" Jack screamed, and I could sense the tears coming on.

Desmond stared at him.

"And I reckon you're not married to her anymore, brother?" he asked.

Jack nodded, and turned his head while he began to cry. Desmond looked at me and gave an inquisitive look in Jack's direction. I shrugged and made a motion of someone gulping down a bottle of liquor. Desmond nodded, and then ran off as if nothing happened. I walked over to Jack and wiped his tears with the blanket, which had magically gone back tonormal. He looked at me and smiled a shaky smile, then grabbed me and hugged me. I awkwardly patted his shoulder, trying to ignore the pain of my flaming head, my stinging hand, and now my cracking ribs. Jack sighed loudly, let me go, and gave me back the blanket.

"Thanks," he said.

"No pro-" I began, but Jack cut me off by shoving me as hard as he could.

8:00 p.m. –LOST

I popped back into the hatch before Jack showed up, and discovered everyone crowded around the computer. Locke was trying to remember what the numbers were, and was about to type in 32 when Jack showed up in a dramatic entrance and corrected him. I slapped Jack. Locke and Jack argued over who would press the 'EXCECUTE' button. I made a motion to the button about three times, but Sayid kept slapping my hand and saying this was between Jack and Locke. Now, I can normally stand loud noises and Japanese pop music, but this alarm thing was too much to take.

"A leap of faith, Jack-" Locke was saying.

"WILL SOMEONE PLEASE PUSH THE GODDAMN BUTTON BEFORE MY HEAD EXPLODES?" I yelled.

Jack pushed the button. I pushed past everyone, my head still ringing.

"I need a drink…"

(A/N: I love those little moments. You know, the ones where something really serious or dramatic or romantic or just plain normal happens, but the moment is absolutely killed with one simple action. Yeah… If you could review, I would appreciate it dearly.)


	4. Everybody Hates Hugo

A/N: Am I the only one that cheered when they saw DJ Qualls playing Hurley's friend? I literally cried "DJ Qualls!" at the screen. Out of all the Lost flashbacks, I like Hurley's the most. I can identify with him a lot. The eating of chicken. The lawn gnome theft and loads of spare time. The slight craziness...

the LOST diaries :ROTD pt. 2

DAY FORTY-THREE:  
10:31 a.m. –LOST

Had weird dream. I was going through the food in the closet when I got the weird feeling that someone was standing behind me. So I turned around and, sure enough, there was a man standing in the doorway. But…this man was odd. He was wearing a mask on his face, and the mask was that of a guy with a beard, grinning. The man was dressed as, well, a king. And he just stood there. Grinning. Standing. And I woke up. The dream was pointless, really…but weird. And I woke up, sprawled on the couch. It's so nice to finally be sleeping on a couch. Now all I need to do is get rid of that beeping noise…

12:59 p.m. -LOST

Back at the beach, spotted Charlie approaching Hurley. Charlie had that stupid baby carrier on, the one he made himself, and he thinks he's so cool wearing it. I followed him; he looked like he was going to start some trouble.

"So, Hurley," Charlie said. "What's in it?"

"In what?"

"You know… the hatch!"

"Oh, the hatch. Yeah, there's nothing in there."

"Oh, come off it. Come on, you can tell me."

Hurley is a terrible liar. I, on the other hand, can say I'm better at lying than at breathing. It takes me two minutes to get my breath back after running a quarter of a mile. But I can lie in a heartbeat.

"There's nothing in the hatch," I said. Charlie stared at me. Apparently, it had just dawned on him that he hadn't seen me in two days, and that the entire time I was at the hatch.

"Really?"

"No, Charlie. The hatch is really some guy's house, and it has this thing attached to it that, if you don't put in a code every 108 minutes, the whole island's going to blow. Honestly, Charlie, what do you think? This island's a magical fairy land?"

Charlie stared at both of us coldly, as if he knew we were hiding something from him. He walked off, yelling random things at us.

"And this baby is made of chocolate lollipops, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going flap my wings and fly off this island!"

We waited till he was far enough to not hear us, and then burst out laughing at his baby carrier thing. I also noticed something funny about Charlie's walk. It's… funny. I can't exactly put my finger on it, but… Never mind.

5:00 p.m. –LOST

Was walking in the jungle when I turned around and saw that man again. This time he was just standing next to a tree, and this time he was holding something in his hand. It looked like a sandwich. He was just grinning and holding out the sandwich, and staring at me. So I slowly walked away and, once I couldn't see him anymore, started running like crazy and ran right into Charlie, who was hiding behind a tree or something. Locke wasn't far off, and he was using his knife as a toothpick again. Egh. I hate it when he does that. Charlie asked him what was in the hatch and Locke TOLD him. Didn't even stall for time or anything. Just went out and told him. I could tell this conversation could go on for hours, and I clearly wasn't invited to join. Turning around, I saw a familiar sleeve poking out from behind a tree, so I decided to go back to the hatch. No one was around. Nobody was supposedly sitting by the computer. Hurley and Rose were counting food in the pantry. Yes, Rose has joined our little group, although no one's bothered to tell me.

"Where is everyone?" I asked.

"Um… I don't know. Sayid's hitting the wall," as he said this, a dull **_CLANG!_** filled the room, "I think Kate's taking a shower, Locke's outside, and Jack's doing the code thing."

"There's no one at the computer."

"Oh. Maybe he's on a lunch break, then."

Evidently, we only really care about the button whenever Locke's around. I followed the clanging and found Jack and Sayid banging on the concrete wall with a pipe. This must've been the most logical thing I've seen anyone do all day. Locke's suggestion, I bet.

**_CLANG!_**

"How's it going?" Jack asked.

**_CLANG!_**

"It's not. On the other side of this door there's more concrete. I'd say it's at least 8 to 10 feet thick," Sayid answered.

"You see this?" Jack asked, taking that key necklace out and showing how it floated in mid air.

"Interesting. Good thing this is titanium. Almost no magnetic attraction. But we're not going to get in up here."

"Up here?" Jack asked.

Sayid lifted up a grate from the floor and we all crowded around it.

"Perhaps we can go under it."

We looked down for a minute longer.

"Hey, if you knew this was here, why didn't you just go down it before?" I asked Sayid.

Jack cleared his throat loudly and gave me a cold stare. We jumped down the hole. Sayid and Jack had to crawl, but I just had to bend my knees a little and keep my head down.

"I believe we're under the area where we began. They poured concrete all the way down here, too," Sayid said.

_**CLANG!**_

"Just as thick."

_**CLANG!**_

"Will you knock it off?" I snapped. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you honestly think you're going to break down a concrete wall with a pipe? Yes, we know it's solid cement, stop trying to prove us wrong!"

They both stared at me. A loud noise came from the pipes.

"Great, Tibby. You woke the pipe monster."

"I'll go check it out," Jack said. He went up another hole and it left me and Sayid in awkward silence.

"I'm sorry, Sayid…"

Sayid didn't look at me.

"Maybe you should go," he said, cradling his pipe.

I stared at his unruly hair for a moment, then went back up and left the hatch. I found Claire and Shannon walking over to the garden, and their solemn expressions really creeped me out. Naturally, I followed them.

"What've you got there?" I asked.

Shannon remained silent. She's the one I find unsettling. She rarely speaks when Sayid's not around, and she's been clinging to Claire for comfort. So Claire has made her her little zombie assistant. We came across Sun.

"Hi, Sun," Claire said awkwardly.

Sun looked up at Claire, then to me, and when she realized I was staring at Shannon she looked at Shannon, who was wearing the most repulsive of all looks on her face.

"What's wrong?" Sun said as she stood up.

"I found something out in the water, and I told Shannon about it, and we thought you should know," Claire said. Shannon threw the bottle at Sun and made a grunting noise. Luckily, Sun caught it. "It's the messages from the raft. We thought you should decide what to do."

Sun looked at the bottle solemnly. Claire turned to leave.

"Come," she barked at Shannon. Shannon spun in a circle and followed Claire. I left too, thinking it best to just leave Sun without any details or anything. I got that eerie feeling I was being followed again. When I looked around, no one was there. Not hiding behind a tree or anything. I was alone. So I started walking again. And when someone tapped my shoulder, I did a backwards karate kick that didn't end well. From the ground, I looked up and saw that sandwich man again.

"Who are you?" I said. "What do you want?"

The man just stood there. Then he said, "Hrrleh bloeh fewd."

"What?"

"Hrrleh sgot diyhnuhmyiete!"

"_What?"_

He ripped off his mask.

"I said, 'Hurley's got dynamite!' He's going to blow up the hatch!"

"Oh. Gandalf! He's going to blow the hatch! I have to stop him!"

I started to run, then I realized I have better options, and just before I popped off, the guy stopped me.

"Wait!" the man grabbed my shoulder. "Whopper?" he handed me the sandwich.

"Um, I really should be-"

"Please?"

He seemed desperate. I couldn't blame him. He was selling burgers on an isolated island.

"Alright…" I took the Whopper out of his hand and put it in my jacket pocket. Then I went back to the hatch, where I found Hurley rambling on and on about why he should blow everything up.

"Let me tell you something, Rose. We were all fine before we had any potato chips. But now we've got these potato chips and everybody's going to want them. So Steve gets them, and Charlie's pissed -- but he's not pissed at Steve, he's pissed at me. And I'm going to be in the middle of it. And then it's going to be: well, what about us -- why didn't I get any potato chips? C'mon, help us out, Hurley. Why did you give Kate the shampoo? And why didn't I get the peanut butter? Then, they'll get really mad and start asking: why does Hugo have everything -- why should he get to decide? Then they'll all hate me. I don't know what to do."

Insulted Steve was mentioned when I wasn't; I snatched up a cupcake, patted Hurley on the head, and walked off.

11:43 a.m. –LOST

Had a big buffet style dinner. Everyone ate the food from the pantry and had a ruddy good old time. I ate chips with Steve, gave my cupcake to Sayid, got ketchup all over my pants because I had tied my jacket around my waist and sat on the pocket with the whopper in it, and gave everyone wine so I could give Hurley a toast. I told everyone he was going to blow up the food, and those drunken idiots thought it was a joke. Oh, well. A lot of people just fell asleep (or passed out) where they sat, so I'm helping clean up. All in all, very good day. Considering the circumstances.

-Tibby T

A/N: If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people that live on islands know how to party. Only people that review are invited. ;)


	5. And FOUND

A/N: I don't think I give my reviewers and fellow Lost fanfic writers the credit they rightfully deserve. You make me happy. If it weren't for you, these Lost Diaries would be nothing. NOTHING! Think of this chapter as dedicated to you. Yes, the one thing I attempt to do at least once every season. A quest.

the LOST diaries :ROTD pt. 4

DAY FORTY-FOUR:  
11:57 a.m. –LOST

Sun lost her wedding ring this morning. Now everyone is trying to help her look for it. Not actually helping. TRYING to help. Like Jack, for instance. He saw Sun going through her things desperately at camp and asked her if she was looking for her wedding ring. She obviously was. Somehow, in an hour, this was the news that spread. So he told her that he once lost his wedding ring. Smiling, he said that he had looked everywhere. The garbage, the plumbing… And, so much like Jack, he just gave up and got a replica of the ring. His wife never found out. This didn't help Sun at all; I just think he likes hearing the sound of his own voice. I was sitting under a tree, thinking how weird it was to not have an adventure or anything to do today. I felt so… lost.

"Hello, Tibby."

I looked up. Of course, only Locke would creep up on someone completely alone with no one else watching. It's a little frightening.

"Hello, John."

"Sun's ring is missing."

"I know."

"Do you have any idea where it is?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure?"

I turned around.

"Are you saying I have it?"

"No, no, that's not what I mean… Tell me, have you found what you're looking for?"

"Locke, what are you talking about?"

"I think you know."

I stared at him for a second.

"No, I don't."

"Oh, I think you do."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No."

"Yes."

"Are you going to tell me what the hell it is you're talking about?"

At this, Locke just winked at me and walked away, performing what looked like a traditional cabbage patch.

6:16 p.m. –LOST

"I think I know what I have to do. Sun's ring isn't lost. It was taken. And I need to know what took it."

I looked up at Hurley. He was watching the dog eating something and glanced at me with that half surprised, half dazed look.

"I don't think that's what Locke meant, Tibby."

"Well, it's what I'm taking it as. Besides, some…_thing_ took my ring. And I have to find this thing, so I can rightfully get my revenge, and find Sun's ring in the process."

"Your ring? Tibby, you were married?"

"No, silly. My Ring. The Ring."

"You mean the Frodo ring?"

"Don't call it the Frodo ring!" I snapped. I realized Hurley didn't understand my anguish. And there was only one person that could help me on this journey. Quest. Thing. Walking back to camp, I picked up two rocks. One was a very smooth and standard sized pebble. The other was a large, jagged rock. Walking over to a tent, I thought it over in my mind. The man had gone through enough. Did I really want to do this? Opening the flap of the tent, I stared at his sleeping figure. I realized how odd it was that no one else had noticed that his beard went from thin to full to thin to full, and that his hair kept going to different shades of blonde. Maybe it was radiation, or a weird effect from the crash. His head was still scarred, his neck still bruised, and the last of the bee stings were going away. I expect that if he did sleep shirtless, a bruise from that boar attack thing would still be on his side. He looked so peaceful… But, he _did _say he wanted to be included in more adventures.

"Ah!" Charlie yelled as the jagged rock bounced off his head. He looked up at me. For measure, I threw the pebble at his face. "What? I'm up!"

"You're needed," I said.

"Not now, Tibby. I was up with the baby all last night."

"Don't you want to go an adventure?"

He dug his face back into his pillow. "No, not really."

For the first time (probably in my life), I felt a pang of pity or guilt or whatever you call it, and left him. This was, of course, before I muttered, "I'll be back," in the worst impression of Arnold Schwart…Shwaurt… Oh, we all know who he is! Twenty minutes later, I had a backpack full of my stuff and his stuff. No, I haven't been collecting Charlie's clothes and other things since we've been here. It just got into my bag somehow. And I like wearing his shirts, which he only has about five, three of which are in my possession. I opened the tent flap, and was pelted with rocks. Charlie was sitting up, a bunch of pebbles in his hands, and grinning at me. He looks so stupid when he grins. Another five rocks whizzed past me.

"You needed me? Something about an adventure?" he said, getting out of the tent. I knew he wouldn't refuse the offer.

"Yeah, we have to go look for something."

He frowned. "That's not really an adventure, Tibby…"

"No, it is! What we're looking for is all in the way in the jungle. Around where Black Rock is."

He stared at me, intrigued. I could tell he wanted more details, but I just wanted to go before he started to ask more questions.

"Is that my shirt?" he asked accusingly.

"Tibby!" someone called. It was Steve. "I heard you're going on a mission. Hurley just told me."

"Yeah, we are."

"Can I come?"

Me and Charlie looked at each other. Steve? Come with us? We had been a pair for so long… To have a third wheel tag along with us? And that wheel's _Steve_?

"I don't know, Steve…" I said. "This is a very dangerous mission."

"One of us might not make it," Charlie said.

This wasn't working. Steve just stared at us with an eager look on his face.

"Sure, you can come with us," I said. Muttering to Charlie, I said, "It'll even the odds…"

"What?" Steve asked.

"Nothing."

Off we went. First stop, the hatch.

"This is the last stop for a bathroom break, boys," I said. "So I suggest you go."

Sayid was taking a break from his normal banging on walls with his pipe and was playing one of those word adventure things on the computer.

_**There is a book on the table. Will you take it?**_

_Take book._

_**You cannot take the book. Leave the room (W)?**_

_Leave room W._

_**You cannot leave the room. There is a monkey. Talk to monkey?**_

_Talk monkey. _

_**The monkey doesn't speak English, you silly fool!**_

Sayid sighed loudly.

"Be careful when you go the restroom. Locke likes to wait until you're halfway through the door before saying, 'I'm in here!'" he told Steve.

Steve nodded, and walked toward the bathroom.

"So, what're you up to?" Sayid asked.

"I'm in here!" we heard Locke call from the bathroom and heard him laughing.

"On a special mission," I answered.

"Well, be careful out there."

We left the hatch and started our journey. And we were walking, and walking, and walking…

"How much farther?" Steve asked.

"Um, not too far…" I said uncertainly.

"Do you even know where it is we're going?" Charlie asked.

"Of course," I said. "It's right… here!"

Sure enough, we had come across a cave in the middle of all the trees.

"This is it?" Steve asked.

"Well, what'd you expect?" I snapped. "A block party?"

We heard a howl from inside the cave.

"What was that?" Steve shrieked.

"Owls," Charlie answered.

"What, pretending to be wolves?" I said.

Charlie ignored us and walked over to the caves.

"Hello?" he called. "Um, I think you have something of ours."

No response.

"The wolves don't speak English, fool!" I said.

"Shut up, Tibby, you are so-"

"My precioussssssssssssss…"

"I'm your precious? What the hell's that supposed to mean?"

"I didn't say that," Charlie said, backing away from the cave.

"My precioussssssssssssss…" the voice said again.

"Hey, I know that voice…" I said. "Give me my ring back, you bastard!"

"Never!" the voice hissed.

I charged into the cave.

"No! Don't come in! I'll give you the precious… for a price."

"Yeah, right, Gollum, I'm not paying you."

"You have to answer a riddle."

"I'm good at riddles!" Steve said, walking to my side.

"I'll take a crack at it," Charlie said.

"Fine," Gollum said. "What has two gloves and four legs?"

"A chair!" Steve yelled.

"It's not a chair, you nitwit," Charlie snapped. "Chairs don't wear gloves."

"Is it two boxers?" I said.

"No!" Gollum snapped. "It's two baseball players! Hee hee!"

"That's not fair!" I said. "Two boxers can be the answer too!"

"Fine, fine! Let's see…" We heard paper shuffling. "Here's a good one… What runs but never gets out of breath?"

We sat in silence, thinking about the riddle.

"It's a chair!" Steve yelled.

"No! The answer was 'water'! Ha! Now your ring will be mine, forever, brother! Hahahahaha!"

"Brother?" I muttered to myself as "Gollum" continued to laugh. "Desmond! I know you're in there!"

The laughing stopped abruptly.

"No, I'm Gollum, brother! Potatoes!"

"Desmond, you better give me my ring back or there's going to be monkey hell to pay!"

"Who is this Desmond? He sounds handsome and intelligent!"

"That's it!" I ran into the cave.

"What? No, get out of- You can't do that! I lift weights!"

"Where's my ring, you bloody-"

"Ah! Ow! Get off, you crazy-"

"I'll bite your legs off!"

"Take it! Here!"

I skipped out of the cave, holding my LOTR ring replica.

"Hey, you wouldn't happen to have another ring? A wedding band?"

"No!" Desmond wailed.

"Oh. Well... Have a nice day!"

We started to walk back to camp, trying our best to ignore Desmond's loud cries of pain. When we finally got back to the beach, Sun had found her wedding ring. Yippee. Everyone was happy for her, whereas I suffered quite a bit of verbal abuse from Claire, saying how dare I take away Charlie, how she needed him, and if we were just going to waste an entire day to tell her so she could find a sitter. Well, at least I have my ring back.

-Tibby t

A/N: Anyone that has read the Diaries knows that there has to be at least one entry where it's just an LOTR spoof and everyone goes on a quest. Since this episode revolved mostly on Jin, Michael, Sawyer and the flashbacks, I had to play this card early. Well, at least I have three weeks off!  At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I've still got Drive Shaft, and I might put a Tibby flashback up. Well, it gets me through the day.


	6. Flashback pt 1

A/N: I'm always a wee skeptic about these flashbacks. Well, I guess I just have to keep a straight face and keep everyone convinced that I have some idea of what I'm doing. And I'll write it in the same format as I do Drive Shaft. You know, as you would see it on the show.

the LOST diaries: Flashback

DAY FORTY-FOUR:

8: 40 p.m. –LOST

Steve wouldn't leave me alone for a couple of hours. Just kept yapping on about himself. Don't know what he was thinking. Maybe thought we would go on another senseless adventure.

(Flashback)

"Are they gone yet?" Tibby asked.

A head peered over the fence.

"Yep," the head said.

Tibby eyed her friend. He looked back at her with a confused expression on his face. She motioned toward the fence.

"Get over there, Cyril."

"Why?" he whined.

"Remember the last time I tried climbing a fence?"

(Flashback within a Flashback)

Tibby is slowly climbing a wooden fence. She's at the top and… the entire fence just tilts and falls.

(Back to Flashback)

Cyril is trying to stifle his laughs. He finally can't control himself, and ends up in tears. Still laughing and wiping the tears from his eyes, he says, "I forgot about that…"

"Yeah, well, just climb the fence. You're tall enough."

Cyril, still giggling, jumps the wooden fence and runs toward a table in the other yard. He stumbles a bit on the ground, still giggling, so he might be drunk. As he's in the yard, Tibby's watching through a hole in the fence. She takes a beer bottle and absentmindedly takes a swig. Yeah, Cyril's probably drunk.

"It's on the table!" she calls.

Cyril stumbles to a table on the porch and shuffles the papers and various random objects on the table. A screwdriver, some crayons, a flute… He comes across the item he's apparently looking for: a gold ring on a silver chain. He examines it, looks around, and puts it in his pocket. He is just about to leave when he looks back at the table. He picks up the flute, and a dog barks from inside the house. He drops the flute, and the dog instantly stops barking. Cyril peers into the window from where he's standing, doesn't see anyone, so picks up the flute again. Barks start again. He places the flute back on the table. Barks stop. He grins. Flute up, bark. Flute down, stop. Fake putting flute down and the dog still barks. Cyril laughs and points at the door of the house, as if mocking the dog. He stops laughing, sighs, and starts walking back to the fence. At last minute, he snatches the flute and pockets it. A large black dog comes out of nowhere and runs right for him. And, of course, Cyril wastes about five seconds staring at the dog in surprise. Then his legs start to move, and he's bolting for the fence, the dog at his heels. He jumps the fence and the dog jumps it too. The dog doesn't make it over the fence, but it's so large that the fence falls over and causes Cyril and Tibby to run for their lives.

(Diary)

"So that's when I thought, 'I need to live more, I should go to Australia!' Actually, Australia wasn't my first choice, it was actually Pakistan, but I figured that blah blah blah…"

Scott (Steve!) was busy telling me his life story. I hope he doesn't plan on being friends, or anything. He's kind of a nag.

(Flashback)

"I just don't want you to hurt yourself or anything."

"I'm not going to hurt myself."

"Well, at least don't become some weird drunkie or something," Mary's voice came from the cell phone Tibby had. Tibby laughed.

"Drunkie? Don't you mean alcoholic?" she asked.

"Well, that too," Mary replied. Tibby sighed.

"I've got to go," she said. "I've got a funeral to get to."

Tibby hung up the phone and got out of her car. She finished off her beer and threw the bottle into the bushes. Looking around to make sure no one had seen, she slammed her car door and started walking up the driveway for a very bland house. She knocked on the door once, and the door was immediately opened by a woman with wild black hair, heavy black eye shadow, and an incredibly pale face.

"Tabitha," the woman said in a dramatic and wailing sort of voice. "Please. Come in."

"Robert," Tibby nodded at her. The woman's mourning expression turned to a scowl, and she curtly walked in front of Tibby and guided her to a room down the hall. In the room, there was a large coffin on top of a stand. The room was empty.

"Well, there he is," the woman (Robert) snapped. "If you excuse me, I'll leave you in peace. I do have other guests to attend to."

She left, slamming the door behind her. Tibby cringed at the noise and rubbed her temples. She glanced at the box, then walked over to the window and lit a cigarette.

"Well, let's see what we've got," Tibby said, sighed, and opened the casket. "Ugh," she grimaced. "What happened to you?"

The dead man obviously did not answer.

"This is the same suit you wore to Gray's wedding," she said to the dead man. "Remember when you spilled all that whiskey on you? What were you thinking, bringing whiskey to a wedding, I'll never know…"

She heard footsteps coming down the hall. She waved the smoke away frantically and looked for somewhere to put the fag. She tossed it into the casket and, realizing it was opened when it shouldn't have been, closed it quickly. Robert came in.

"What are you doing?" she asked Tibby suspiciously.

"Having a word with me old dad," she said. "Do you mind?"

Robert glanced out the window, and Tibby realized there was smoke coming from the casket.

"There's food in the kitchen," Robert said, turning to the door. "That is, if you are going to stay that long."

"Oh, I don't think so," Tibby said, waving the smoke away and hoping Robert wouldn't turn around. "I've got an, um, appointment."

"Right," Robert said, leaving and shutting the door behind her. The instant the door closed, Tibby opened the casket and panicked at the flames rising. Covering her hand with her sleeve, she started to beat the flames out. This puts an end to her flaming father, but now her sleeve was burning. She ripped off her jacket and started to stomp on it. She finally saved the day and stared at her handiwork. Her jacket in a smoldering heap on the floor, and her arm covered in burns. She sighed, and walked over to the casket.

"Bye, Dad," she said sadly, and closed the coffin. She picked up the jacket, took out a cigarette and walked out the way she came. She tossed her jacket in the car and heard someone scream from inside the house. She got in quickly and drove off.

(Diary)

I have the next shift in the hatch, so here I am. Well, that, and Steve kept bugging me. I told him an hour ago I was going to the bathroom. Locke is just sitting there in his awkward creepiness, so I decided to see what tunes Desmond had that wasn't bleeding Mama Cass.

Let's see… Jethro Tull, REO Speedwagon, Supertramp… Hey, here's something. I put on the record.

"_Love is a burning thing. And it makes a fiery ring bound by wild desire. I fell into a ring of fire…"_

(Flashback)

"_I fell into a burning ring of fire. I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher. And it burns, burns, burns… The ring of fire. The ring of fire."_

Tibby sighed at the bar and waved her bandaged hand around. The bartender walked over and took her empty glass.

"What happened?" he asked.

"It's a long story," Tibby sighed. She walked out of the bar and went to her car, which was parked behind a tree. She sat behind the wheel for a second and stared into space. Her foot on the gas pedal and the car parked in reverse, she starts the car and backs up into the tree. She still has that blank look on her face, and doesn't seem to realize she hit a rather large yet luckily sturdy object. She realized she wasn't moving, even though the radio was blaring and the engine kept making a weird noise, and turned around. She gets a frightened look on her face when she realizes she was too drunk to notice she had crashed into a frigging tree. Looking around to make sure no one had noticed, and people certainly did, she drove off.

"And this was a rental…" she muttered in dismay.

A/N: …Yeah. I really don't have any idea of what I'm doing, and I'll be back at work in a couple of days. …Yeah, a lot of things Tibby has done comes from personal experience. Well, all the stupid things at least.


	7. Abandoned

A/N: Let's pray to Gandalf this island comes equipped with tampons.

the LOST diaries: pt 6

DAY FORTY-EIGHT:  
12:57 a.m. –LOST

Sayid's spent the whole day making that stupid yet incredibly inviting tent. For Shannon. Oh, but of course. SHE gets the brilliant tent. Well, at least it's really close to the coming tent. Sayid must not love her that much.

"What do you think they're doing in there?" Steve asked as we sat by the fire. He was looking at the tent with a pair of binoculars he had made of empty soda cans.

"Who cares?" I scoffed. "I can tell you one thing, though, when those tent flaps are a rockin', don't come a…round."

"What?" he said turning to me. I saw a shirtless Sayid leaving the tent. I heard someone whispering behind me, and turned around and saw Walt. Gandalf, you'd think the kid would dry off eventually.

"Well, hey Walt," I said. "How're you?"

"Esolc era yeht, gnimoc era yeht."

"Well, who's coming? Oh, never mind, boy, sit down, have a drink."

Steve was too engrossed staring at the tent; most likely hoping Shannon would be the next to walk out shirtless. I took this opportunity to rip off one of the cans.

"Hey! I was using that," Steve cried. I turned around and Walt was gone.

"My cans…" Steve whimpered. We heard Shannon scream from inside the tent. Steve's expression changed right quick, and he stood up and ran towards the tent. Now, I rarely have any idea what the hell it is Shannon's saying, but I assume it had something to do with Walt, since she kept yelling his name over and over again. By this time, she had left the tent (wearing a shirt) and was arguing with Sayid. A group of people had gathered round the tent, because, if Shannon was in actual harm… We would watch. But, since Shannon was fine, no one cared. I noticed Charlie, who evidently found a new shirt, and Claire, holding wee Aaron, who I wouldn't exactly call "wee" anymore. He's huge. I mean, he's what, a week old? A week and a half?

"What's wrong?" Claire asked.

"Shannon had a nightmare," Charlie said. "Why's he up?"

"I woke him," she said.

"Woke him?"

"I heard screams, I got worried," Claire said. "Why, would you rather I had left him over there alone?"

"You heard screams so woke up the baby and ran toward them?"

"Okay, it sounded like she needed help." Well, what was _Aaron _supposed to do?

"Well, he's going to need feeding now. He's going to be up all night and fussy all day."

"Sorry."

"Alright, well, no harm done -- give him here then. I got him."

Charlie took the baby. Which took about two minutes than it normally should. Really, the man is full of kind intent, but he can't hold a baby to save his life.

10:21 p.m. –LOST

Followed Shannon around when she asked Hurley and Rose where Walt's things were. Followed her to Walt and Michael's tent, which ironically was just a sheet held up on a few sticks. I thought Michael was some sort of construction worker or something. Didn't he build the raft? She took one of Walt's shirts and had Vincent smell it so she could track Walt down. Watched her run off and simply thought to myself, not gonna happen. Walked back to camp, where I was trying to avoid Claire, since now that Shannon had gone "anal", didn't have anyone to whine to, and was trying to get me as a substitute. Not happening. But I figured since she was talking to Locke, it was worth a shot. I walked over to Claire's tent.

"You know, I think everybody knows more about my baby than me," Claire sighed. Right on cue.

"Everybody?" Locke asked. That's right. Even I can intimidate Claire.

"Charlie read me the riot act last night for waking him. And as mad as it made me -- turns out he was right. You know, it's like we're playing mum and dad to this baby. Yet, I don't remember marrying him." At this, me and Locke laughed. Oh, if she only knew. "No, seriously. I mean, we're practically strangers, him and me. For all I know, Charlie could be some religious freak."

"Yeah, I seriously doubt that."

"Then why is he carrying around a Virgin Mary statue?"

"What?"

"You know, one of the little statues? He says he found it in the jungle."

Me and Locke exchanged glances. That's it, Charlie's not invited to those midnight raids of the jungle anymore.

"Hmm, how about that?" Locke said.

They sat there talking, and I watched the giant baby, who was sleeping peacefully.

"I can't believe he's still asleep," Claire said.

"Swaddling works every time," Locke said.

"Uh-huh," Claire said absently. Whatever, Locke. "Hey, do you want to hold him?" she asked.

I looked at Aaron and up at Claire in disbelief.

"But he's sleeping…" I said. After all that, she was going to wake him up again? I guess I really do know more about babies than she does. Which is incredibly pathetic. At least Locke is kind-spirited, but Claire wouldn't take no for an answer, and shoved the infant into Locke's arms (and Locke is one of the few that actually hold a baby properly).

"He smells good," Locke said. That's right, Locke.Suck in that youth.

Then Charlie walks over, and there's a moment of awkward silence. Ooh. Awkward. Walking in on the woman you're psychotically stalking over, her kid/your only friend, an old bald guy who took the last of your drugs and is handy with knives, and a person who just gets pissed off a lot must be awkward to see.

"Oh," Charlie said, staring at the baby in Locke's arms in disappointment.

"Hello, Charlie," Locke said.

"Hello," Charlie said. There was a pause.

"Hi," I waved.

"Hey, John just taught be a new trick: swaddling," Claire said, smiling.

"That's excellent," Charlie said in a completely unenthusiastic way. "I just came to take him so you could have your walk."

There was another really awkward pause. Locke looked from Charlie to Claire, and then said, "Well, perfect timing. Yeah. I've got… stud to do. You know, stuff." He handed Aaron over to Charlie, and I could feel the muscles in my face twitching.

"Well, thanks for your help, John," Claire said sweetly.

"Welcome," Locke said, now getting up and eyeing Charlie nervously as he walked away.

Claire noticed we were all staring at her, even Big Aaron with his GIANT eyes.

"What?"

I watched Charlie stroll around the camp and finally had to stop him when we got to his log. You know, the one he always sits by.

"Charlie, Charlie, stop," I said, running across the sand to where Charlie was literally juggling Aaron in his arms.

"Well, hi, Tib-"

"Give me the baby."

"What?"

"_I said give me the baby!"_

"Here," he said, nervously spilling the baby into my arms.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I snapped. "Don't you know how to hold a baby right? Honestly, you think you know_ everything_ about goddamn babies, but you can't even hold one properly. Go get the baby carrier."

"What?"

"Your sissy baby carrier! Go get it, jackass!"

Charlie frightfully ran off and returned with the stupid carrier. I ordered him to put it on, and I heard him muttering something about it being "that time of the month". Maybe I'm just in a pissy mood. Or maybe KATE STOLE ALL THE FRIGGIN CHOCOLATE! Um, anyway… I helped him put Aaron in the carrier and he was good to go. If only they had some sort of delicious beefy and cheesy snack that was the same… Anyway, I said goodbye, and he started to walk away incredibly fast. And there was that walk again.

"Charlie?" I called after him.

"What?"

"Nice shirt."

6:36 p.m. –LOST

Decided to go visit… Scott. The dead one, I think that's his name. Shannon was there. I didn't approach her right off the bat, and I stood in the bushes wondering, was this a different graveyard? I thought everyone else was buried somewhere in the jungle. Damn, was I in the right place? Sayid joined Shannon, so I figured I shouldn't really be here… Then I noticed the dog sniffing at my shoes.

"Vincent!" I whispered. "Go away!"

Vincent stared at me with those big cute dog eyes. I wasn't buying it.

"Go!" I started waving my arms frantically. He took this as a threat, and started to growl.

"Sayid, I think Vincent found something!" Shannon said. I quickly poofed out of there and went back to camp, where I found Charlie and Locke playing backgammon.

"You and Claire are close, and you spend a lot of time with Aaron -- I just wouldn't want to overstep my bounds," Locke said.

"Did she tell you we had a fight?" Yep. You can always count on Charlie to spew out random things.

"She didn't say it was a fight."

"She was going to give it up, you know -- for adoption. Did she tell you that?" Once again, trusty Charlie.

"Yeah, when I built the cradle."

Insulted that he was indeed useless, he said, "Ah, of course, when you built the cradle."

"Why do you ask?"

"She's got a bit to learn about being a mum -- responsibility and all."

"Hmmm, now that's an interesting thing to say -- for a heroin addict." Well, that and coming from a guy that really has no experience with children and certainly will never and never has a mother. Unless, Charlie isn't telling us something… I went back to the jungle in search for the other graveyard and got lost. Must've really gotten lost too, since I realized I was deep in the jungle and ran into Shannon and Sayid in what resembled Farmer Maggot's crop. But it was really tall grass. But when I heard footsteps I couldn't help but hope… Oh well. I'm stuck with the two lovebirds. And, like two people who are obviously in love, they were arguing.

"I don't need your help, Sayid," Shannon whined, even though it was obvious she couldn't possibly make it on her own.

They didn't really acknowledge me being there, even though I had been visibly following them for five minutes. Ignoring their bickering, I tried looking at the sky through the thick mass of trees. I saw patches of grey in the sky. Did this mean rain? Judging on past events on this island, this could only be good. On cue, Shannon tripped. I laughed. For a while. Actually, I think I laughed for two minutes while they kept talking. It was only when I heard muffled whispers did I stop. Walt was standing in the bushes some yards from us. He put his finger on his lips and we all distinctly heard him say, "Shh."

So Shannon loudly asked Sayid, "Do you see him?"

Sayid, thankfully taking Walt's advice, simply nods. Shannon looked back at Walt and started screaming at the top of her lungs, "Walt!" She ran off.

Now, even from where I was standing and my point of view could tell this was a dumb idea. I actually had to fight the urge to yell, "Shut up, you stupid bitch!" Sayid had… another idea in mind, and was just staring at the spot where Walt just was, still crotched on the ground. Only when I couldn't resist my yelling urges was he shaken to his senses, and he started to run off after Shannon. And, of course, he falls. I knew seeing that that this would only mean trouble. And sure enough, _BANG!_ A single gunshot pierced the…Shannon screaming silence. I followed Sayid and Shannon came out, like a scene straight from a horror movie, with a bullet wound in her stomach and blood all over the place and collapsed into Sayid arms. I looked up and saw Michael, Jin, some weird blonde chick, some old white dude, a giant black guy, a girl I swear I've seen in every movie where there's a bad ass chick, and this woman was holding a smoking gun still pointed at Shannon, and Sawyer in some weird stretcher. We all just stood there in stunned silence.

A/N: I think the next episode is the one where you see the other survivors' experience, right? Gee, without even knowing it I actually helped myself out. It's all planned. You just wait and see.


	8. The Other 48 Days

A/N: I was probably the only one that made the Law and Order sounds (duhn-duhn!) when they saw the day numbers show up on the screen. Sorry, but it was just instinct.

the LOST diaries: pt 7

DAY FORTY-EIGHT:

7:28 p.m. –MISPLACED

It was a tense moment. We were all standing in the jungle. Well, except for Sayid, who was sitting on the ground and Shannon, who was, well, dead. And Sawyer wasn't standing either. So maybe I shouldn't say we were all standing. But it was a tense moment all the same. Everyone had a different expression on their face, and we were all posing it. For a while. Eventually I got tired of it, and turned to leave. Everyone was still posing. They were doing a good job, too. No one was blinking or anything. I walked over to Michael and said hello. Surely a pleasant greeting at such an inappropriate time would make him respond. It didn't work. I waved my hand in front of his face and fell on my ass doing a little jig.

"Nice moves," a voice said from the bushes. I turned around, and Bean was standing there. She was holding a branch in her hand. "Like it?" she asked.

I thought she meant the branch. "I've seen others," I said.

"You have?" she said. She had walked over to Sayid. She grinned at me, then raised the branch over her head and smashed it down on his head. He didn't move at all. I stared at the frozen Sayid and it dawned on me.

"What happened?" I asked Bean. This was her doing.

"I stopped time," she said, leaning on the branch and grinning proudly.

"What?"

"I made a time machine! Wanna see it?"

Afraid she'd have another one of those freaky possessed moments, I accepted. Besides, time had probably stopped for everyone else too, so I'd reckoned she'd find me sooner or later. She led me to a spot some feet away from where we just were, to a clearing where a large object was covered by a blue tarp.

"Did you ever see _Back to the Future_?" she asked.

"Oh my Gandalf, you got the _Back to the Future _car?"

"Well…not exactly."

She pulled the tarp off and revealed a golf cart. The golf cart had a lot of stuff on it, like bits of metal and random objects nailed to the side, which were, I assumed, supposed to give it a futuristic look. She had redecorated the inside, which had the blue Oceanic seats and she had put some cage thing on the side for doors. It looked like a death trap on wheels, but I thought it impolite to point this out openly.

"It's… nice," I said.

"Wanna take it for a spin?" she said eagerly.

"Does it work?" I asked.

"Well, it stopped time, didn't it?" she said. "Granted, yes, _we're_ the ones that are supposed to travel through the time, but this is a major improvement." There was a pause. "So, you wanna go?"

Ten minutes later, I found myself strapped in the Golf Cart of Doom. I could better examine the inside of the cart from here, because, well, I was inside. There was a license plate where the rearview mirror normally is and it said: THESHIZZ. On the dashboard was a VCR with wires connected to one of those hula dancer ornaments. Under this was a tape deck.

"What's this lever for?" I asked.

"No idea," she said, adjusting her pilot cap and goggles. "Okay, here's the plan. Everything's on pause now, so I'm just going to press rewind, and that should send us back through time." She reached over and opened the glove compartment. She pulled out a cigarette carton, a tape, and, oddly enough, gloves. She put the gloves on and lit a cigarette.

"Ready?" she asked.

"No."

"All right!" she started the engine and was reaching for the VCR when she stopped short. She held the suspense by just having her finger hover over the rewind button for a second, and then pressed it. Nothing happened. I looked around the bushes and saw Sayid slowly run backward, then saw Shannon stumble backward, then Walt walking backward. Then Walt walking forward…

"So, how long are we going back in time?" I asked.

Bean shuffled around in the many pockets on her vest and pulled out a scrap of paper. "Um…forty eight days."

Some birds flew by backwards.

"How long are we going to be out here?" I asked.

"Pretty long," Bean muttered, putting one of her boots on the dashboard and taking out a book of crossword puzzles. "Hey, what's a ten letter word for 'silly'?"

"Oh, this is ridiculous," I muttered. Bean started writing. "Can't we go any faster?"

She put the book down. "We could," she said, "if we were to pull that lever."

"I thought you didn't know what that lever did."

"Well, there's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

She reached for the lever, but at the last second pulled back and took the tape out of her pocket. She winked at me and put it in the tape deck. She pressed play, and a single guitar note blared from the speakers.

"_Kick it!"_

She pulled the lever. The golf cart lurched forward and we found ourselves in the middle of a Technicolor swirl. It was a lot like the Psychedelic Tunnel. Except, instead of Gene Wilder's droning evil voice reciting poetry, it was the Beastie Boys. Complaining about their parents.

"_You wake up late for school, man, you don't want to go!"_

I stared at Bean head bang. I wasn't aware one could head bang to the Beastie Boys. Oh, well. I felt wind on my face, and saw that we were surrounded by only one color now, a beautiful sky blue. Then I realized. Wind? I peered over the dashboard and saw the white sand and green trees of the island. I don't think Bean heard me scream, though.

"_You gotta fight! For your right! To partAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"_

We were speeding towards the island at what must've been ninety miles an hours. Not so fast, mind you, but fast enough. I felt objects zoom by us, and I saw an occupied seat fly past us. We were getting closer and closer to the shore… I don't remember being this terrified when I was hurtling towards the island in a much larger structure. It was probably all that laughing gas and stuff they put in the air masks. I'm not sure, it was all a blur. But this sure wasn't. I was screaming louder and longer than I ever have, and Bean was still singing. When I finally thought, _why haven't we reached the ground yet?_, we hit the ground with a loud thud, sand flying everywhere. I had stopped screaming when the cart flipped over. Then it flipped again. There was absolutely no force moving us or anything, but we kept flipping over until we had made it into the jungle. I clung to the gate, wondering if everything had stopped. The tape had ended, and there was only the buzzing silence of the jungle surrounding us.

"That was the shizz!" Bean said.

I banged on the gate and yelled, "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

"Tibby…"

"I WANT OFF THIS THING!"

"Tib…"

"OPEN THIS GODDAMN DOOR OR THERE'S GOING TO BE HELL TO PAY!" I screamed.

"Um, the child lock's on."

I glared at her. I climbed over her and opened the driver's door and fell out. She got of the cart after me. I began to pace.

"We better be able to get back," I said.

"Don't tell me you want to go back already," Bean said.

"Are you crazy? There's no way I'm getting back in that hell machine!"

We heard screams coming from the shore.

"What's that?" Bean said.

"We're on the other side of the island!" I said. "This is the day the plane crashed. Quick! Hide the cart!"

"Fine, fine," Bean sighed, and she pressed a button on a little remote and the trees' branches lowered to cover the vehicle. She pressed another, and it made a beep noise. Pocketing the keys and the remote, she asked, "Right. So, what do you reckon we do know?"

The screams were getting louder. I walked over to a large bushy area and looked at the crash site. Boy, was our side lucky. These people landed in the water. And, by the many slowly floating bodies, many of them didn't know how to swim.

"What should we do?" Bean asked. This was a tough question. What did I do? By my memory, I just stood around uselessly and did pretty much nothing. It was probably the laughing gas.

"We should help them," I said. I was so proud in saying that! I knew deep down I would probably be useless and have the task of getting the luggage out of the ocean or something like that, but I was going to be DOING something!

"Not so fast," Bean said, grabbing my shirt and pulling me down with such a strength I didn't know she possessed. I swear, my knees buckled. "Do you see all those people?"

"Yes." There was a whole lot more dead than alive. That's Our Side (LOST)-2, "Them" (MISPLACED)-zip.

"Do you notice that they're all wet?" Most of them weren't. Yes, we had seen them emerge from the ocean, naturally, drenched, but they all seemed to dry in seconds. So that's one point for the Misplaced team.

"What are you-" My question was cut short by a giant gush of ice water. Apparently, this magical vest of Bean's came fully equipped with a turbo water gun. In minutes, we were on the shore, and, looking at the many dead bodies, I thought, _I can DO this!_ Bean and I walked over to a yelling man, being aided by the same blonde woman I saw in the "Others" brigade. We figured that since this man already had help… Well, it wouldn't hurt to have a bit more. The bad ass chick joined us.

"Ow, my leg, my leg! Is it bad? It's bad, isn't it?" the man screamed.

There was a weird knobby thing where there shouldn't have been in his leg. Eh, I'll take a crack at it and say it's not the greatest.

"No, it's not that bad. I broke my leg skiing up at Stowe in Vermont," the blonde woman said. I've heard this method before… Was this possibly the Misplaced team's Jack? "I was on this run -- going pretty fast -- I was racing this cute ski patrol guy. I went off this mogul, lost my edge and, BAM!"

She snapped his leg and the man actually passed out. Ugh. I think Jack's method would have been to catch his off guard and snap it when saying "cookies" or something. And not yell it.

"You a doctor?" Bad Ass Chick (BAC) asked.

"A year of med school before I dropped out," she said. WHAT? "I'm a clinical psychologist." Oh, I'm SO reassured.

"Help! There's somebody in the jungle!" a man said, coming out of nowhere and looking quite familiar, I just couldn't put my finger on it. No one really cared for this man, but BAC eventually went to his aid, me and Bean following, hoping to the high heavens no one found our cart. They didn't, there was just some fat old white guy stuck in the trees.

"Help! Please help me. Help! Help!" the man yelled.

"We should climb up there -- I'll hold him steady, you pull him..." the familiar man said.

"No, wait," BAC said. "What's your name?" she yelled at the man.

"Bernard!" the man in the tree yelled.

"_That's _Bernard?" I exclaimed. BAC and familiar guy looked at me. Bean pinched my arm. Sorry, I was just really thrown off by that. We eventually got him down, even though I'm not entirely sure how. Later, I was sitting on the sand and was looking at familiar man trying to make a fire. I knew I'd eventually put my finger on it… Bean, who had been tending to the golf cart, came over and sat next to me. Bean… Bean…

"Bean! Sean Bean!" I said.

"What?" Bean said absently.

"That guy looks like Sean Bean."

"Who?"

"Sean Bean? Famous actor, been in a billion movies."

"I know who he is, Tibby, I mean who here looks like him?"

I pointed at Sean Bean look-a-like, who was presently addressing himself as "Goodwin" to BAC, addressing herself as "Ana-Lucia".

"That guy. Goodwin."

Bean, who had been going through her pockets, froze. "Where?" she asked.

"Right there."

She stared at Goodwin coldly. "I don't see it," she finally muttered. Okay…

DAY 2: MISPLACED

Last night, the large black man "Mister Eko" killed some people with a rock. I guess I'm the only one that remembered, since everyone seems to have forgotten the entire incident. Geez, on our side, that person would have been brutally interrogated and/or killed. I'm not really sure who to give points to. Bean explained that, because we traveled back in time, time would go extra fast to catch up with itself. I'm not exactly sure how, but alright. She said that the Misplaced team's days will go by quickly for us, and some we might not experience at all. There was a pause after she said this.

"Why are we here?" I finally asked.

"I don't know, but it certainly seems like your side was a whole lot better, wasn't it?"

DAY 3 (and five minutes later): MISPLACED

I really don't like this fake doctor person we've got on the island. And the moment I discovered her name was Libby, I felt she was encroaching on my territory. Are you telling me that the Misplaced team has a useless person that feels the need to be in everyone's business, is annoying, and whose name is _Libby?_ Oh. It's on.

DAY 5: MISPLACED

EVERYONE'S DYING! WHY THE HELL ARE WE LISTENING TO LIBBY?

DAY 7: MISPLACED

Finally had some real entertainment and watched the Misplaced team catch a chicken. Another point for them. But, of course, in a week, Lost team will have a golf course.

DAY 12: MISPLACED

Ana-Lucia was pissed off at Nathan for not going to the bathroom with a partner. Hmm. I think we had a similar system, but I think it was just Locke creeping people out. Then at night, the real "Others" (how many people are on this island?) took nine of the Misplaced team. Ooh, that's going to hurt them in the long run. Ana tried to stop one but actually killed her with a rock. NOTE TO SELF: Follow original intent. Stay as far away from Ana as possible. Especially after she's started accusing other survivors of being an "Other" just for staying in the bathroom too long. Apparently she forgets that Bean and I were gone for five days. Well, the luckier we are.

DAY 15: MISPLACED

Me and Bean staged our own kidnapping, but apparently the Misplaced team didn't notice. They're too busy trekking through the jungle, and not hearing Bean's golf cart following them in the forest. …They don't notice much, these people. They stopped their journey to make a camp in the middle of the jungle. Oh, right, and the Others certainly won't find them here.

DAY 17: MISPLACED

Ana's digging a giant hole. No jokes here or anything, I'm serious, she terrifies me. And I only say that about every other person I meet.

DAY 19: MISPLACED

Ana took Bernard's only pal, Nathan, and put him down the hole. Everyone think he's an Other, but I know better. Sure, his name ends in "than", and he's from Canada, just like robot-Ethan. But Ethan was creepy. Nathan's good-spirited. Ethan looked like he was living on this island for years, and had killed dozens of people on his stay here. Nathan looks like a jackass.

DAY 23: MISPLACED

I'm so glad that pit's lid is pretty sturdy. I was bringing back some bananas last night (or…three minutes ago) and stumbled on the stupid pot hole. Dropped some bananas. Hope that doesn't change the entire course of time on the island. Ana Lucia's all pissed now that someone has given the jackass food. Wait till she realizes Sean Bean's let him free. …And killed him.

DAY 24: MISPLACED

It's so funny how stupid these people are. Were we ever so gullible? Actually, yes we were. But, by my count, our side of the island had the hotter people. That's another point for us. Ana's decided to move again.

DAY 27: MISPLACED

By now I'm just mocking the Misplaced team. They found their own version of the hatch. A really crappier version. Ours came equipped with electricity and Mama Cass. Theirs has got a glass eye. They found a radio too, and when Ana and Goodwin went out to the mountains to get a better view, she…impaled him with a stick? Ironic, Boromir died a similar death. Under similar circumstances. Hmm…

DAY 41: MISPLACED

"Well, it's been a great forty five minutes," Bean said over her crossword puzzle.

"This is SO boring!" I whined. "I bet you anything we could be listening to Aerosmith right now."

"Aerosmith? I'm sure I got a tape of theirs somewhere…" Bean said, taking out the shoebox under the driver's seat. She put in a tape.

"Hello. Hello, anybody out there? Mayday. Mayday," said Boone's voice from the radio. "Hello! Hello! Can you hear me?"

"This tape sucks!" Bean said, hitting the tape deck, because that of course would change what the tape would sound like.

"That's not coming from there!" I hissed. "They're listening to the radio!"

We were parked by some bushes, and the Misplaced team wasn't very far off. Bernard was trying to communicate with Boone, who, by my watch, was already dead by now. And, of course, Ana Lucia has to spoil the fun by turning off the radio and saying that there were no other survivors, and that it was just the Others trying to trick them. Then she ran off to cry. Maybe it's occurred to her that she's wrong about everything.

DAY 45: MISPLACED

My homies Jin, Michael, and Sawyer showed up today. Well, if you call being swept up on the shore "showing up". And, naturally, Ana Lucia was wrong in thinking that they were the Others. Big mister Eko came and clobbered them, and Ana put them in her pit. I thought they had moved farfrom where the pit was. Why on Earth did they want to drag these three men over there? Well, at least Ana was hit in the face. That, I think, saved for the hour I've spent with these idiots.

DAY 46: MISPLACED

"Can we speed this up a bit?" I asked Bean.

"Yes, please," she said, putting on the VCR. As long as we refrained from using the lever, or limbs were fine. Everything began to speed up, but everything seemed to be flashing in front of us.

"Do you hear that?" I asked.

"It sounds like… drums," Bean said. And sure enough, someone was beating a drum to the flashes. "I wouldn't worry about it, though. I've heard entire orchestras perform before."

We fast forwarded to when Ana shot Shannon, her only moment of glory, and Bean dropped me off. Everything was still paused, and I got into position. Bean had her finger hovering over the VCR.

"Ready?"

A/N: This is the latest I've ever written a diary. I'll be starting on another one in a few precious hours. (sighs) It never ends.


	9. Collision

A/N: You know that noise the TV makes when you hit your head against the screen multiple times? You know, the ones with the glass screens? Music to my ears.

the LOST diaries: pt 8

DAY FORTY-EIGHT:

8:28 p.m. –LOST (THANK GANDALF!)

Oh, there's going to be a collision, alright. After waiting for ages to finally get the chance to react, Sayid jumped up and aimed his gun at Ana Lucia. But Eko stopped him, and, yadda yadda… He ended up getting knocked unconscious and tied to a tree. When literally everyone objected and protested Ana's intentions, she aimed the gun at us and barked, "I know what I'm doing!" That's funny. I don't recall her having any idea what she was doing the entire time we've been on this island. And any time she was convinced she knew what she was doing, she was wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. So I left. I couldn't stand being in that dense forest. I needed some fresh air. Back at the beach, I went over to the water… thing. Mmm, nothing like some gray water. Jack and Rose were there. Huh. Jack and Rose… Now, why does that ring a bell? Never mind.

"Jack, nice to see you out of the hatch. You could use more sunshine," Rose said.

"I'll take that under advisement," Jack smirked.

"And Tibby," Rose said, handing me some fruit. "I haven't seen you in a while. Where have you been?"

"Oh... around." Certainly not mocking your husband's lack of survival skills.

"And where are Sayid and Shannon? Weren't you with them before?"

Luckily, a golf ball out of nowhere saved me from answering. A…golf ball?

"Past the hanging tree, double or nothing," Hurley was saying to Kate at the far end of the beach. Charlie appeared to be caddying. Actually, Hurley was caddying. Charlie was perfecting his skills at being useless.

"You sure?" Kate said.

"Dude, double or nothing, there's no way you're hitting it that far."

"Hurley, the woman's on bloody steroids," Charlie said.

"Double's 10 thousand bucks," Kate said, flexing her arms.

"Oh, that's nothing to someone who's worth 150 million dollars. He'll build you your own course, if you'd like," Charlie said. Why does he think he's so witty?

"What are you talking about?" Kate asked.

"Ignore him, he's an idiot," Hurley said. Ooh, I couldn't wait for the comeback to this.

"Well, you're a… Crazy fat man," Charlie stammered. Kate swung and won the bet.

"Crap!" Hurley snapped. Jack walked in and started to give Kate a few tips. Typical for Jack to walk in and suck out all the fun of everything. Kate wasn't buying it, though.

"So, you think you could do better?" she asked.

Jack laughed. "Anyone can hit a ball. That's not golf."

"And what's golf?"

"Golf is accuracy," Jack said knowingly. Sheesh.

"Well, why don't we play a few holes and see which one of us is more accurate?" Kate asked.

"Ooh, fighting talk," Charlie said. While it would've been funnier had he said something like, 'Them be fightin' words,' we all knew Charlie lacks the capacity, so we all "ooh"ed at the challenge. Respectively, we chanted "chicken" when Jack tried to avoid the proposition, but he eventually caved in.

"3 holes, no handicap, we play for bragging rights. What are we waiting for?" Kate said. Those damn bragging rights.

Golf isn't really my thing, so I left. I was surprised Hurley and Charlie didn't want to follow Jack and Kate; after all, they had been having mild entertainment when it was just Kate.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "Don't you want to watch the game? They're playing for bragging rights."

"Oh, I think I know who'll get the bragging rights," Charlie chuckled. "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink." He actually said that. What an ass. So now that I knew I wouldn't be pestered by them, I went back in the jungle. I didn't want to run into anyone, so I went a way I never did before and, naturally, got lost.

"Ow!" Something hit me smack dab in the head. Actually, it didn't hurt at all. I just say "Ow" as an impulse. For instance, if you kick an inanimate object that I am in no way associated with at all, I'll say "Ow." I looked at the golf ball on the ground. A golf ball? So far away from the actual golf course? Must've been Jack's. Apparently, Jack's one of those golf players that will go at any length to get his stupid golf ball. And I really doubt he would be able to hit it from this stupid creek.

"We have more balls; you could always just take a drop," Kate said. She proposed this once they finally found the ball.

"Tibby, Kate, you might want to step back," Jack said, flexing his arms and winking. He looked at Kate, who was wearing this really funny expression. "What?"

Eko was standing in the clearing with Sawyer slung over his shoulder.

"Where is the doctor?"

They rushed to the hatch. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before to just go to the hatch and get some shut eye. Probably because Locke would be waiting with his weird philosophical clichés. I showed up a few minutes before the others did.

"Hey, Locke," I said. I noticed he was working on some crossword puzzles.

"Yes, Tibby?" he said, not looking up.

"Let's say that a cat is dead. And Socrates is dead. Therefore, Socrates is a cat."

I don't know what I was expecting from this proclamation. John just gave me a funny look, shrugged his shoulders, and said "Gilgamesh."

The door was practically kicked down by Kate and Jack's entrance. They were carrying Sawyer and ran down the hall, Jack barking orders as they headed to the bathroom.

"What can I do?" Kate asked.

"Okay, go through the medical stash; there's a bottle of Ofloxacin..."

"Ofloxacin."

"Ofloxacin -- little white pills. Bring the alcohol and some gauge patches, and strip that bed and make sure it has clean sheets on it…" he noticed that Kate, who was so eager to help, had actually just zoned out. With that same funny expression on her face. "Kate!"

Kate snapped out of it and left. Locke walked in.

"What happened?" he asked.

"John, the button," Jack snapped.

And Locke just left. I wish Jack would take a leaf out of his book, instead of asking so many questions all the time. I followed Locke, and we found Eko examining the inside of the hatch. Yeah, yeah… Misplaced team was totally screwed over. Locke and Eko greeted each other. I nodded off and woke up in the middle of an awkward interrogation. I left and walked over to the now unoccupied bathroom when I heard Kate's voice and saw Jack and Kate hovering over Sawyer. Sawyer was coughing and they were trying to make him take some pills. Kate decided to use her… people skills and make him take the pills.

"Sawyer? Hey, you have to listen to me, okay? The only way that you are going to get better is if you take this pill. So I want you to swallow it, okay? Okay, here we go." She helped him swallow the pills and I was trying my best not to retch all over the place. So, as it looked, was Jack. "Now swallow, swallow. Good! Good."

"Nice job," Jack coughed awkwardly. "I never learned the whole whisper-in-the-ear thing in med school."

We sat there in silence. Well, except for Sawyer's loud wheezing, it was quiet.

"Hey, Jack," I said. "You know, there's a newbie down here that needs to be interrogated and antagonized."

"Right," Jack said and stood up. He checked his reflection in the mirror, made sure his shirt was untucked in the coolest way. He then touch a deep breath, put on his best angry face, and went looking for Eko.

"Where are they?" Jack demanded. Eko wouldn't answer. "I said, where are they?"

"Bitch, did he stutter?" I said behind Jack.

"Tibby, shut up," Jack hissed at me.

"Wanna piece of this?" I snapped at Jack, doing my best break-dance move. Eko stood up. I screamed and dove under the couch.

"Jack, it's not his fault…" Locke said.

"Shannon's dead! I'm not..." he turned to Eko, "you're going to take me back out there, right now."

"This man isn't the problem. He brought Sawyer back."

"Half-dead with a bullet hole in his shoulder, John!" Jack's so negative. "Are you going to talk to me or are you just going to sit there?

"Anything I say will only make you angry. So, yes, I will sit here."

All of a sudden Sun and Michael ran in. Family reunion! Perfect timing, too. And I peeked from under the couch to witness Michael and Jack share the most awkward hug I've ever seen in my whole life. And mind you, I've seen my fair share of awkward hugs in my day.

"We've got a problem, man."

Five minutes later, Jack was preparing for the apocalypse. Rather, Ana Lucialypse. …Yes. Eko couldn't take it anymore.

"Stop! Please, what do you want?" he asked Jack. Finally, the most sensible question I've heard since we've been on this island. Even Jack was speechless.

"Excuse me?"

"Peace? Revenge? Justice? And you are going out with all these guns? What do you want?"

There was a pause. Finally, I think the Lost team was starting to realize the many flaws in the Jack system.

"We want to rock!" I said, doing anything to stop the tension. I jumped on the end of the couch. "HELLO, ISLAND!" I yelled and dove onto the couch. Not a smart move, especially when I bounced off and my knee hit the table.

"I want all of our people back here safely," Jack said. "Your friend murdered..."

"Ana-Lucia made a mistake," Eko said.

"What did you say?" Jack said.

"Ana-Lucia made a mistake."

"Ana-Lucia."

Why does Jack have such a good memory? It's suspicious. Maybe it comes from being a doctor. I never mastered that skill. But, with my "patients" it wasn't really necessary.

"Let's go," Jack said.

But only Jack and Eko ended up leaving to go get Sayid. You'd think, after all that commotion, more people would've joined the brigade. Sun and Michael left for the beach and Kate and Locke stayed in the hatch. I couldn't stand the scratching of Locke's pencil or Kate's sweet talking to Sawyer, so I eventually left too. To the beach, where I spotted Jin coming out of the jungle. Charlie was playing his guitar, so at first I thought that music playing was just him. But when he stood up to greet Jin, it kept playing, and I realized an entire orchestra was playing. Oh my Gandalf, Bean was right. …Since when are so many people Jin's friends? Somewhat jealous at the fact that everyone got up to greet Jin, the Fez of the island. No one cared about him before! And everyone completely ignored Libby and Bernard, the two people you would probably want to find out more about. But Rose came, and she and Bernard embraced. And Jin and Sun embraced. And Michael and Vincent…exchanged friendly hellos. Aw. True love.

A/N: My once strict standards were to finish these chapters by around Sunday, Tuesday at the latest. My new standards are Wednesday, eh, eightish. I'M LOSING IT! …Your reviews would be appreciated. 


	10. What Kate Did

A/N: So, what Kate did was…befriend a horse? And her step da was her dad and her dad wasn't really her dad and her mom was a waitress and Kate likes Janis Joplin… I'M CONFUSED! At least there was an explosion in this episode. Everyone knows an explosion makes something like, ten times cool. Even if…it really is out of place.

the LOST diaries: pt 9

DAY FORTY-NINE:

1:44 p.m. –LOST

This morning Hurley and I noticed Jin and Sun coming out of their tent. It's funny how everyone's hair has been getting longer, but Jack's had that fuzz do since the crash. I wonder what his secret is. Maybe he's losing his hair. But I doubt that'd be it. Hmm… Maybe he- no, that's not it… Anyway, Hurley came round and gave Jin the thumbs up, and it occurred to me what the couple was doing in the tent and explained why Jin was shirtless…

Once they were gone, I said to Hurley, "It looks like everyone on this island is getting 'some' without us."

"Well, that's normally how it works, Tibby…"

I have to admit, we enjoyed a good laugh over this one. And then it went to that "not laughing as hard because it's not that funny anymore but still laughing" laugh, and then an incredibly loud, over exaggerated sigh.

"Well, I guess I'll be seein' ya," Hurley said.

"Yep," I answered.

We just stood there, looking around at where to go.

"I'm going to go this way," I muttered.

"Yeah…"

I walked into the jungle, and left Hurley walking aimlessly along the beach. I came across Kate, who was too engrossed in showing off her great climbing skills to notice me. She was collecting fruit, which I guess makes sense, because even though the ground is covered in assorted fruits, the ones high up in the branches are… fresher? I don't really know much about this fruit growing/agriculture stuff, but is that really how it works? I walked around a nearby grove, where there were all kinds of fruits. Apples, mangos, papayas, snozzberries. Once again, not entirely sure such an arrangement of fruits growing here is possible, but hey, what'd I know? I turned around and made a squeak of surprise when I saw a kid in probably his late teens wearing a brown leather jacket and black gloves peering over the bushes to where Kate was. He turned around and I saw over his shoulder Kate staring at a big black horse. Kate was staring at Black Beauty with a look of shock and a little bit of fear on her face, and this boy was definitely giving me a look very similar to hers.

"Oh my gosh!" he yelped. He looked really freaked out. To a point where even I felt concerned for him. And man, is that freaked out.

"Relax," I said, any thoughts of seeing this kid as dangerous vanished. "What's your name?"

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh…" he kept muttering, and it kinda looked as if he was hopping from one foot to the other. I've read about it, but I never have actually seen anyone "hop" as he was.

"Just tell me your name, kid, who are you? Why are you-"

"Back off!" he cried, taking something out of his pocket which was, to my relief, some sort of lame badge. "I'm with the horse!"

Of course. "You're a trainer?" I asked. "What're you… Were you already on the island?"

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, look," he said. "Listen. I shouldn't even be talking to you. I'm not even supposed to let anyone see me! Oh, when the boss here's about this… And this was just supposed to be a summer job!"

"Boss…? Who-"

"Please! Don't tell anyone you saw me! If you do, I'll get fired for sure!" he had slumped to the ground and was begging at my feet.

"Fine, fine, I won't tell anyone," I said, helping him up. But, just for reference… "What's your name?"

"What? Oh, Chad. Chad Jansen."

"I'm Tibby," I said.

We heard the horse…make that noise horses do (whinnying?) …and he turned to see the restless horse trotting away. "Gotta go! See ya, Tibby!" he called as he ran towards the horse and fell over some fruit. Hmm… I went over to Shannon's funeral, just so I could admire the handiwork of the retard that prepared her for burial. Sayid gave a heartbroken speech, dripping with so much fake sympathy that he had to walk away. Wait, that might've been me. Yep. But Sayid did break down in the middle of his speech and ran off. Guess it's a bad time to ask if that tent of his is for rent. After the funeral played "I Spy" with Charlie and Hurley. Hurley and I were too tired to crane our necks and look for things to point out, so we all sat on the beach and let Charlie do the spying.

"I spy with my little eye…" Charlie said, trying to not make it look obvious by covering his eyes, which was incredibly stupid, "something…green."

"Trees," Hurley and I said in unison. Once you play this game a billion times on a deserted island, it kind of gets hard to point out new things.

"I spy something… yellow."

"Sand."

"I spy something… blue."

"Sky," Hurley said.

"Ocean," I murmured.

"You're both wrong," Charlie said superiorly. "It's the sky reflecting off the ocean."

Hurley and I exchanged annoyed glances.

"Okay, okay, um… I spy with my little eye… Kate. In the woods," Charlie said, staring into the water.

I looked in the woods. Couldn't see Kate anywhere. Hurley just shrugged. _Has _Charlie gone back to smack? I turned to insult Charlie but he was gone. When I looked back at the woods, I saw his misshapen figure walking funny toward the woods. I guess his Better Go Advertise My Uselessness senses were going off. Onward, to annoy Kate! We popped up out of nowhere and came across Kate, not looking her best and a little sick looking.

"Kate, hey. You missed the funeral," Charlie said. Kate looked obviously not in the mood to talk. Looked more in the mood of throwing up. Kept my distance in case she up-chucked on Chuck.

"Yeah, uh, I was with Sawyer," she replied.

"Oh, right. A few of them came -- the new people. Not her -- the one who killed Shannon -- that would have been a bit awkward," Charlie said. He blathered on for another five minutes. "You haven't listened to a word I've said," he said. Sorry?

"Do you think there are horses here?" Kate asked suddenly.

"What?"

"I think I saw a horse in the jungle," Kate said.

"I've seen polar bears. I've seen monsters, well, heard monsters; but horses, no," Charlie said, grinning at his own wit. His smile faltered when he realized Kate was starting to leave.

"Where are you going?" he called. "And where are you going?" he asked as I started to back away. There was a pause as he stared at me with a hurt look in his eyes. Awww. I ran for it.

4:50 p.m. –LOST

Enough of this fresh air. I need carbon dioxide, damn it! The dull thuds of Michael hitting the hatch walls and ceilingis music to my ears. But his constant questioning sure isn't. First it was the blast doors.

"Hey, Locke, what's up with the blast doors?" Michael asked.

"Blast doors?" Locke asked. It's a simple enough concept, John. I don't think bald people are as smart as they're made up to be. I mean, look at the hair on that Einstein fella. No, the only good thing bald people can do is BE EVIL.

"Yeah, like in case of an explosion they come from the ceiling," Michael said. "That guy down here, uh..."

"Desmond?"

"Desmond. He didn't tell you about these -- what they're for?"

"No, no he didn't. But he did leave a movie."

"A movie?"

"Yeah. You want to see it?" Locke said, failing at hiding the glee in his voice.

"I would like to see it too," Eko said, coming out of nowhere. "If you don't mind."

"Why not?" Locke said. "The more the merrier."

I think Locke just likes carrying that reel with him, and enjoys mentioning it all the time. Can't really blame him for being excited, though. All he's got to look forward to down here is old Mama Cass records, crossword puzzles and that stupid movie. So we were all gathered around in the living room, watching this riveting epic of… I'm still not really sure what they're saying in this thing, really. I put on a pair of 3-D glasses, thinking that surely this film in 3-D would at least be interesting.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" I cried in anguish when the film began, for there was no change at all on the screen from how it normally appeared. Sure, there was a little distortion, but nothing really entertaining.

"Down in front!" Michael said, throwing a handful of popcorn at me. The movie ended, and Round 2 of Michael Inquisitiveness was about to begin.

"Alright, so you've been pushing that button every 2 hours since you got down here," he said.

"That's right," Locke answered.

"How does that even work?"

"I set up 2 person shifts -- 6 hours -- everyone's on the roster."

"Don't they want to know why?" For the record, I try my best to not listen to what Lex Locke says.

"I think the film's pretty self-explanatory." NO IT'S NOT.

"Really? All I heard was something about electro-magnets and an incident. What about all the missing pieces?" I left when Michael was saying this. The logic on this island was giving me a headache. I took some of the fruit I had collected earlier and walked to Sawyer's room. He just slept there, and, as I watched him sleep I couldn't help notice how much he had let himself go. I mean, his hair was atrocious. I had to fight the temptation not to climb onto the top bunk and sleep. Then again, I always have the worst memories with these top bunks. Actually, bunk beds in general give me concussions. I backed a few feet away from the bed. Sawyer made a weird noise.

"Sawyer?"

"Where is she?" he whispered.

"What?"

"Where is she?"

"Where's who?"

"Kate…"

"Kate? I dunno, last time I saw her she was in a right state, seemed ready to-"

"I love her…"

"Yeah, I bet you do, you can have little cracker babies," I said, laughing. "Snozzberry?"

He seemed to have fallen back asleep, so I entertained myself by throwing snozzberries and trying to get it into his belly button. Sun walked in.

"Hello," she said.

"Hi."

I could tell by her questioning look that she wanted to know what the hell it was I was doing, so I racked my brain for ideas…

"Uh, I was playing a game," I said. "You're supposed to see if you can get one of these berries in Sawyer's belly button. Do you want to play? Uh, the winner gets a, uh, rake."

Kate walked in. Sun, who had only been there for two minutes, asked eagerly if Kate could watch over Sawyer. Kate awkwardly agreed, seeing that I was already there, but accepted on behalf of Sun getting her freak on. Sun ran out of the hatch, and Kate just stared at me for a few seconds. Apparently, I'm the only one on the planet that doesn't realize that the evil eye is an international sign for "leave me and Sawyer/Wayne alone". I finally stood up and stood around in the hallway, where I heard everything about Kate and her Wayne and why she did what she did and about Wayne being Sawyer…

My left temple was about to explode when I heard, "That's about the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

I ran in the room. "He's up!" I yelled. My sudden entrance startled Kate, and Sawyer got up so fast his head hit the top bunk (in a classic Zoolander moment).

"I'm in a bunk bed?" he cried, clutching his forehead.

"Yeah, you're in a bunk bed," Kate laughed.

"Are we saved?"

"No, Sawyer, we're not saved."

I could tell it was going to take a while to actually convince the half delusional (yet fully awake) Sawyer that we were not saved, and it would probably take a few hours to explain it all. And, with someone like Sawyer, perhaps a couple of days. I found Locke and Eko performing surgery on a roll of film.

"Voila," Locke said. "What are the odds?"

"The odds?" Eko asked.

"I mean, think about it. Somebody made this film. Someone else cut this piece out. We crash -- 2 halves of the same plane fall in different parts of the island -- you're over there, I'm over here. And now, here's the missing piece right back where it belongs. What are the odds?"

"Don't mistake coincidence for fate," Eko answered mysteriously.

"Or irony," I added.

A loud crash coming from the kitchen broke the silence. I walked over and discovered Kate trying to help Sawyer walk through the hatch.

"Come on, admit it, we've been rescued," Sawyer said. Yes, Sawyer, I know we're in a kitchen that is bigger and nicer than my entire house, but we haven't been rescued. It's just a perfect example of irony. I think. Kate led the way outside, where we were engulfed by the looks and sounds of the forest.

"Son of a bitch!" Sawyer exclaimed. We all sighed and looked around, all wishing we really were rescued. Well, maybe not Kate so much. But a change of scenery would be nice. I'm thinking desert.

"Maybe you ought to take me inside," Sawyer said, starting at something in the distance. We all turned around and saw the horse and Chad.

"You see that?" Kate said.

"If you mean the big ass horse standing in the middle of the jungle, then yeah," Sawyer replied. I'm still confused why these people are soshocked to see ahorse. I mean, like Charlie said, we've seen freaking polar bears, for Christ's sake. I'm not exactly sure why Sawyer looks like he's going to piss his pants, the horse is just standing there. It's not like it's a giant polar bear charging right for him. And they were completely ignoring a very important piece of the puzzle.

"You mean you guys don't see-" I began, but Chad, who was standing next to the horse lifted his finger to his mouth and shook his head. "Never mind."

I went back in the hatch, where I found Locke watching that movie AGAIN. I went to the computer room, where I found Michael fooling around with the many wires of the equipment. He knew he wasn't supposed to be doing this, I knew he wasn't supposed to be doing this. But, hey, I'm not a snitch, and I'm certainly not telling old man Shephard about it. He pulled something, and green numbers started going up and down the screen in rows.

"Uh, Michael… I think you should see this…" I called.

"What?"

But the second he came over to look, there was a loud ding sound. The timer had stopped. There was another sound. I looked at the screen, and the matrix had vanished. In its place was the word "Hello?"

Naturally, Michael kicked me out of the chair and typed: Hello?

The computer responded with: Who is this?

Michael, looking very pleased with himself, typed: This is Michael. Who is this?

There was a long pause, and we both leaned in very close to the computer and both exchanged similar stupefied looks when the computer typed in: Dad?

I hope this means that kid has finally dried off.

A/N: I finished! If this chapter isn't funny, I'm entirely to blame. Well, mainly because I'm the only one that writes this. In case you were wondering,there was a reason for having Chad the horse trainer in this chapter. Apparently, there was a goof in the scene when Sawyer and Kate saw Black Beauty, and the hand of the horse trainer can be seen. I didn't see it, but I thought to myself that this guy has worked too hard to not be in this story. Well, that's just a little Lost trivia for you.


	11. The 23rd Psalm

A/N: I decided that this space before I begin the LD will be my little section of rage. Well, it always has been, but now it's official. In fact, just to be sure, I rename this place:  
**Robo t's… Place of Rage. **  
Grrr! Okay, everyone, I haven't completely lost my sanity but I will admit my patience is wearing thin. What the hell is up with Lost? Nothing, that's what! I want something EXCITING to happen! And, if it's not too much to ask, something that MAKES SENSE!

the LOST diaries: pt 10

DAY FIFTY-ONE:  
1:23 p.m. -LOST

This morning was standing ankle deep in the morning with Charlie, evidently not doing anything and allowing Jin to do all the work. I offered to help, but Jin shook his head rather quickly and told me off. It looked to me that Charlie was happy about something, or had a lot of energy to burn. He was singing. At least I think it was singing, I never can tell with Charlie. Such a high voice… Jin was actually cringing.

"_He's got wit, he's got charm, but when he gets rough he'll break your arm. He's got taste, manners, and grace, but when he gets rough he'll slit your face. He'll buy you jewels, expensive shoes_…uh…ooh…"

"You forgot the words, didn't you?" I asked.

"No," Charlie said.

"Yes, you did. And you're singing the song way too fast."

"No, I'm not."

"And you're completely off key."

"I am not!"

I remained silent for a moment. "Yes you are," I muttered.

Sighing in exasperation, he asked, "Hey, Jin, do you like the Kinks?"

"Kings?" Jin asked. I began to hum where Charlie left off.

"No, man, Kinks. Kinks with a "k" at the end. K-ki-kink-a. Kinks. You know, _Once you're in love, you're no getting out ha-a-a-a so look out._ It's a good tune, Jin. _Look out_."

Jin motioned for Charlie to leave him the hell alone.

"Well, thank you, Jin, I do have a beautiful voice."

"_Look out!"_ I sang. I'll show Charlie a beautiful voice.

"_Look out!"_ he sang back.

"Look out, look out, look out!"

"_Look out, look out-" _

"No, Charlie, I mean seriously, look right behind you. Eko's coming."

Walking toward us in a frightening manner and holding the Virgin Mary statue we all knew had drugs inside, Eko demanded, "Where did you get this?"

I continued to sing the song.

"What happened?" Charlie asked.

"_He's evil!"_

"Where did you find it?" Eko demanded again.

"In the jungle. I found it in the jungle," Charlie answered.

"_He's evil!"_

"Take me there."

Jin said something that sounded familiar to what I was singing. I began to dance around them in a circle.

"I want you to take me to where you found it," Eko demanded.

"_He wants your body, not you're my-i-i-i-i-i-i-ind…"_

"Okay, fine. Yeah, we'll go for a stroll -- there's nothing there. We'll go first thing in the morning, alright?"

"_He is just the devil in disgui-i-i-i-i-i-i-ise…"_

"We're going now."

"Okay, let me go tell Claire so she doesn't get the wrong idea. Wait here –"

"Tell her on your way," Eko said.

"_He's evil, he's evil, he's evil!"_

Eko's glare silenced me, and I followed them to where Claire was, ready to start bitching at Charlie for having the drugs.

"Hi, Claire. What happened to the statue?" Charlie asked as Claire picked up the pieces of the Virgin Mary statue off the ground. From what I heard, Eko had quite the hissy fit.

"Don't play stupid, Charlie," Claire responded icily. But, we all know Charlie isn't the type to just _play _stupid.

"What?"

Claire pulled the little bags of heroin out of her pocket and threw them at Charlie. I don't know, I always thought that heroin wrapped up in little bags like that was kinda quite. Or… somewhat inviting. But…bad.

"What's this?" Claire demanded. "Because this was in your little statue. And, unless I'm mistaken I seem to remember you saying you're a drug addict."

Yeah, he's always springing that on people. The thing is, none of us really give a damn.

"I thought you lost your memory," I said. "Didn't you forget everything?"

"No, she got it back," Charlie sighed.

"You got it back?" I asked. Claire nodded. "When was this? Why didn't I get the memo? Where was I?"

"Wasn't that the day Scott died?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, I think it was around there," I said. I turned to Claire and said, "Where you go you bring death."

"Someone's waiting for you," Claire snapped at Charlie, and he turned around to see Eko standing by the trees, a confused look on his face. He waved and smiled.

"Yeah, let's do this!" I said. I tried to walk past Eko, but he grabbed my shoulder as I walked by. He shook his head and wagged a large, rather strong looking and threatening finger. I got the message.

"Fine. I guess I'll see what Locke's doing," I said, and walked as far from him as I could get before popping off to see what Locke and Michael were doing.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'M BLEEDING SALAD DRESSING!" I screamed as my hands fluttered around my arms and stomach to remove the retched substance that seemed to have exploded all over me.

"Sorry!" Michael called. He posed with the gun and started to have a discussion with Locke.

"'Sorry'? Did you, did you just shoot a jar of ranch? What the hell is wrong with you?" I screamed back. He ignored me.

"Ah, it's all over! How the hell am I going to get this off? Is that, is that a glass shard?"

"So, who's got the next hatch shift, man?" I heard Michael ask Locke.

"Oh my Gandalf, that is a glass shard!"

"Uh, I think Kate's got one later today," Locke answered calmly.

"SWEET MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK! I HAVE A HUGE PIECE OF GLASS IN MY LEG!"

"Kate? When will that be?"

"Oh, that's fine! Ignore me! I'll just… walk it off!"

"Uh, probably around dusk…"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

5:46 p.m. –LOST

"There you go," Jack said. "Good as new."

"Thanks," I blushed. I had popped back to the camp and collapsed in the grass, screaming my head off and clawing and thrashing in the sand like a fish out of water.

"Nice one, Anakin," Sawyer said, clutching his ear and waiting for his appointment with the doctor. Apparently, my dramatic entrance caused quite an uproar, startling Kate as she cut Sawyer's hair and causing her to clip him. No, I'm not sorry. And frankly I don't know what he was expecting with Kate cutting his hair. I mean, Claire's got herself a little business. But no, he needs to get the convict to do it. Whatever.

"Thanks," I said, trying not to smirk at his horribly unleveled hair. I can only hope that Kate had just started to cut his hair when this happened. That, or she's in her "Picasso" period. "Where's Charlie and Eko?"

"Beats me," Sawyer shrugged. "Hey, Pillsbury!" he called at an approaching Hurley. "Where's the jackass?"

"Right in front of me," Hurley muttered.

"What?"

"Charlie's in the jungle."

"Trekking?" I exclaimed, looking at my bandaged leg in dismay. Dang, I had really wanted to join them. Not that Eko would've approved. As if that was going to stop me. I thought to myself, now, where were they headed? Wherever those stupid statues were. Which was… Okay, I'll admit, I'm not really good with my tracking skills. Nor am I with people skills, as I began to realize that I had been to the plane twice, and Charlie only once, and had I not been too busy singing, what Eko was saying would've registered in my brain and I would've been able to help and probably wouldn't have ended up with ranch shrapnel in my leg. But I don't think very far ahead, in fact, barely at all. Which is exactly why I would've fit in Eko's search party. So I popped over to where Boone had endured the internal injuries that would end up killing him, and sat around on the wreckage. I couldn't help but notice that, although I distinctly remember the hero-Mary statues littered all over the place, I couldn't find a single one. But I sat on the ground and waited. And waited. And waited. But really, what did I expect? For Charlie to successfully find the place where his beloved heroin was? Wait… Yes, that is what I was expecting! What was taking them so long? It was time to investigate. After about half an hour, I stumbled upon Eko and Charlie. Literally, my leg quiver's even when I think about it. Charlie was sitting under a tree and sipping from a water bottle.

"Hey, Tibby. Just taking a little breather," he said. Eko glared at him. "You joining us?"

"I suppose I am."

"Well, we better get going," Charlie said, sighing as he stood up.

"Yes," Eko said.

We had been walking for a good two minutes when Charlie said, "Time to take a break."

Eko gave him an incredulous look (well, as much as he can muster. It was more like him just widening his eyes) and said, "You just had a break."

Ignoring him, Charlie said, "I'm not what you think I am."

"A lazy jackass?" I said. It was Charlie's turn to glare.

"No."

"So sorry… A lazy jackass who can't sing?"

"And what do I think you are?" Eko said.

"It was my brother's fault," Charlie answered.

"Stop randomly changing the subject, Charlie! Tell him what you are and let's get a move on! We don't want to be out here after dark…"

"Sorry?" Eko said. Fine, if they wanted to ignore me, so be it. I leaned against a tree to keep my balance as I listened to Charlie's random rambling about… His incredibly hot brother? I know, I know, I always said I would go for the less attractive guy in a band, but Liam is too damn irresistible! Especially with those glasses! I just hope Charlie never goes through my stuff and finds that picture I have of his brother I cut out that magazine… I probably should get back to the whole jungle thing, where Eko spotted a parachute in the trees, cutting off Charlie's sob story and my daydreaming about Liam. And, alas, what a great transition from heroin addicts to dead priests!

For some reason, Eko ripped open the shirt of the decaying body (hey, if it's his thing) and Charlie asked, "You know that guy?"

"This man saved my life," Eko answered. Okay…

"He saved your life, huh?" Charlie began. "Sure, that makes sense. He takes off in a plane in Nigeria -- we're out in the middle of the South Pacific -- that makes all the sense in the world."

I looked at Charlie and said, "Are you really surprised? Be honest."

Charlie, of course, didn't answer, since he was too distracted by Eko's stick.

"This is scripture written here. You're a priest. You're a priest, right? He's a priest and you're a priest, too, right?" Charlie asked. I hate when he asks so many questions at once. Honestly, sometimes that man shouldn't be allowed to talk. Actually, he should never be allowed to talk. Or sing either. Eko just took his stick from Charlie and started walking. Another twenty minutes passed. Charlie's pace slackened, and he started to look around.

"Uh, I'm lost. It was dark. I was following Sayid. Right afterwards a big bag of rocks fell on my head so I'm sorry if I'm a bit spotty with the geography," he said.

"It's true," I remarked. "Of course, the whole rock thing was his own damn fault. I've still got the blanket that made it happen."

"Climb that tree," Eko said.

"What?" Charlie said.

"Climb that tree and perhaps you will be able to get your bearings or spot the plane," Eko said.

"Make her climb it," Charlie whined.

I pulled up my new pant leg and showed them the bloody rag that was wrapped around my shin.

"Yep, pretty gnarly, isn't it?" I said. "I suppose I can climb it though… Let me just take this off…" I pulled off the rag and held it in Charlie's face. He made a funny squeamish noise and backed off.

"You climb it," he said to Eko. "What if I don't? You going to beat me with your Jesus stick? I find it a little odd that your scripture stick has dried blood on it." I waved my rag again.

"Are you going to climb that tree or not?" Eko asked.

"What kind of priest are you, anyway?" Charlie said as he started to climb the tree with great difficulty.

"You need to get higher," Eko said.

Charlie continued to grumble and attempt to climb higher, even though it was obvious he was where he wanted to be and didn't want to go any higher. All of a sudden, the ground a little ways away… exploded and a swirling black smoky mass came straight for Eko. This was definitely Charlie's motivation for climbing as he struggled and yelped like a sissy girl.

"Run!" he yelled at Eko.

It was a long trail of smoke, and curiosity got the better of me. I shuffled over to where the smoke seemed to end, and there, in the middle of the jungle, was a vacuum cleaner. It wasn't the type that you move around the house easily, this was the type where it was just a hose connected to a box, and the hose, I noticed was in the ground. I peered over the vague settings, simply labeled as "SUCK" and "BLOW" and, trying not to giggle, flipped the switch to SUCK. The pollution in front of Eko flew off and dove into the ground. As I walked back to where Eko and Charlie were, I saw Charlie fall out of the tree and get up rather quickly.

"Did you see it?" Eko asked.

"Yeah, I saw it," Charlie said. "What the bloody hell did you do?"

"I did nothing," Eko responded calmly. Charlie, on the other hand, was positively raving.

"Most people, when they see a creature made of swirling black smoke, they run," he said. Honestly, it was just a bit of smoke. I would think someone like Charlie would be used to it.

"I was not afraid of it," Eko said.

"I can see that. That thing kills people."

"Oh, come on, when has it ever done that?" I said.

"Do you remember our first day? Remember the pilot?"

"That wasn't what took the pilot," I scoffed.

"How can you be so sure?" he said.

"I can be a lot surer that you, you were in the bathroom, getting high!"

"Did you see the plane?" Eko interrupted.

"Yes, I saw your plane," Charlie spat. "It's about a kilometer that way."

So we walked our kilometer, Eko squarely in between us, and we came across the plane. Eko went inside the plane as Charlie and I stood outside. Charlie looked under some rocks and around the bushes as we waited.

"What is he doing in there?" he asked.

"Do you mind?" I said. "He's having a moment."

"Yes, I do mind," Charlie snapped. "I've been dragged all the way out here, I'd like to know for what!"

I grabbed his shoulder.

"He's crying," I said. "And he's drooling."

"He's what? Why is he-?" he moved forward, but I stopped him again. I kept trying to hold him back, and we were kind of pushing off one another for a few minutes until he played a dirty trick and kicked my shin. It was the wrong one, of course, but he's still a bastard. Anyhoo, we ended up burning the plane as Eko said a prayer and Charlie murmured beside him. I stared at the flames and thought that, gee, what a coincidence, Eko and Charlie were both religious, and all three of us had brothers, and Eko and I had lost brothers… I wonder if this means anything. When we finally got back to camp Claire was taking all of Charlie's stuff out of her tent and throwing them on the beach. Yep, she had kicked him out. Then again, I don't really remember the moving in process. Maybe Charlie just put all his stuff there and assumed he was welcome. If so, Claire, you go, girl!

I just hope Charlie doesn't do anything drastic over this. Yeah… We all know he will.

A/N: So, the monster was… pollution? Once again, sorry for this being so late.


	12. The Hunting Party

**Robo t's… Place of Rage.  
**Did anything happen in this episode? Anything at all? I don't really recall anything that got me really… expressing any emotion at all. It was just, Well, here's another LOST episode (snore). I did notice the Alex thing. But all I saw was an arm. And for some reason, whenever I hear the name Alex, I always think of Alex Kapranos, the lead singer of Franz Ferdinand. You know, the weird looking tall guy with the deep droning voice? Don't know him? Don't matter, I just wanted to mention Franz Ferdinand in one of my fanfics somewhere. I'm not exactly sure if the LOST Alex is a girl or boy. Maybe it's a chick with a deep droning voice. Or an arm. Oh, and another thing, the DAMN DAYS. I'll never get the number right, and if you're paying attention to my track of days you're paying too close attention, there's nothing really significant there. I try my best to keep up with the show, but I always end up ahead. Pfft, I'm not changing anything.

the LOST diaries: pt 11

DAY FIFTY-ONE:  
2:23 p.m. -LOST

Had such a pleasant slumber. So pleasant, in fact, that I didn't hear the loud commotion between Jack and Michael, with the resolution being Jack and Locke locked (huh) up in the gun vault and Michael running off to look for Walt. I'm a little glad he's finally off that damn computer. Every time I saw him there it was like experiencing deja vu. And everyone knows deja vu is a glitch in the Matrix.

"I'm sorry," I told Jack for the fifth time. His muffled yells had woken me up, and when I opened the vault, I somehow managed to lock myself up in the room as well. We heard Locke groan.

"What happened?" he asked groggily.

"Michael knocked you out," Jack said, immediately performing his doctor duties and checking Locke's eye sight and what not.

"Why would he-?"

"He went after Walt. You feeling nauseated, sick?"

"No, I'm okay."

"Good," Jack said, standing up and looking at the ceiling. "Give me a boost."

"It's no use. I bolted it shut from the inside."

"You what?"

"No point in changing the combination if you can get in through the air vent."

"Hey, if we're in a room full of guns, why can't we just blast it open?" I asked.

"And be killed by the ricocheting bullets? Nice thinking, Tibby," Jack snapped.

"Hey, it was just a thought."

"How long was I out?" Locke interrupted.

"Twenty minutes," Jack answered. "Of course, we could've gotten out of here ten minutes ago if it wasn't for Ms. 'Let's Blast It Open'."

"That's not even funny," I said crossly.

"Hey, I'm laughing."

"Well, not for long," Locke said. "We're on shift for the next 4 hours; there's nobody coming down here."

"Yeah, well, better hope Sawyer shows up to get his band-aid changed," Jack answered.

Fortunately, we heard the clanking of the hatch door opening and Sawyer's sarcastic criticism could be felt immediately. He got us out, and Jack immediately set into action. Whilegathering some weapons he said that he was going after Walt. Sawyer and Locke joined him, but once Kate said she was coming too, he rudely told her she wasn't allowed. By this time we were all in the jungle, and I stuck my tongue at her brooding figure. Walking through the jungle a little while after, Sawyer asked what had Kate done to Jack, and why was he not letting her go with them?

"She didn't do anything," Jack answered.

"Right," Sawyer said. "You yelling at her cuz she wanted to help get Mike back makes a lot of sense."

"Why don't you go back and see if I hurt her feelings?" Jack said. I laughed. Jack's sense of humor and sarcasm was the weirdest I've yet seen. He was either laughing like a maniac when no one else thought something was funny or was dead serious.

"Just saying."

"Yeah, I know," Jack muttered. "You love her."

"What you say?"

Okay… WTF? Locke asked Sawyer if he recognized where we were. He, like me, doesn't pay any attention to his surroundings, and was asked what side of the island was the ocean on when he was coming back to camp. He took a while before answering and, to me, at least, pointed to a random direction and hoped Locke would approve. Locke fell for it, and said that wherever Michael was headed it wasn't where he had been before. We walked some more and I thought to myself, What the hell am I doing? My leg still hurt, I was still tired, and I was walking around? I'm not in the mood or state of body to be walking around aimlessly. I'm going back to the hatch.

7: 09 p.m. –LOST

That bitch. That stupid, stupid bitch. I went back to the hatch and discovered that Kate wasn't in the computer room. I found her in the gun vault, crouched over something.

"Kate? What're you-?"

She stood up and hit me with the shotgun. In the face. She had missed her mark, instead of hitting me in a spot where I could've easily been knocked out, she hit me square in the mouth and caused some teeth to fall out, others to chip.

"Oh… Sugar!" was the last thing I remember hearing, as Kate swung again and stars flew in front of my eyes.

10: 21 p.m. –LOST

I woke up face first in the ground inside the gun vault. For some reason I couldn't feel my mouth, and everything from my nose to my collarbone was completely numb.

"Morning, sunshine," a familiar voice said behind me. "Or, evening, for that matter."

I turned around to see Bean sitting on a crate full of ammo.

"My, my, you look terrible," she said. She took a water bottle out of her back pack and handed it to me. I tried to take a sip, but most of the water spilled over my mouth.

"Yeah, I thought that would happen," Bean said. "I gave you something to numb the pain… and, your whole face too."

"Ow'd you get in ere?" I asked.

"From there," she said, pointing to the now open vent. She pulled what looked like a cherry bomb out of her pocket. "Blasted it open."

I needed to get out of the hatch. I needed to find Kate and kill her. I picked up a machine gun from the wall.

"What are you doing?" Bean asked. "Where are you going?"

"To find Kate and kill her."

A few minutes later I was walking in the jungle toward a bunch of lighted torches in a circle. I was too far away to see who was there, but I had the feeling that this was where all the action was happening. Bean walked toward me.

"How'd you get here so fast?" I asked. My strenuous stretching of the mouth was making me talk normally again.

"I've got my methods, you've got yours," she said. "Tell me, is this 'Magical Genie Power' thing you've got Apparition?"

"What?"

"You know, when you go from one place to another and defy the laws of time and space. Is it Apparition?"

"Why does that ring a bell?"

"It's from Harry Potter."

"No, I recall that requiring a loud popping noise, it's not that."

"So it's like 'I Love Genie'? That would probably make the most sense; after all, it is Magical GENIE powers…"

"It could be, but I always thought it was more like something else…"

"What?"

"Well… Nightcrawler?"

Bean laughed.

"You're no Nightcrawler," she said.

"Well, don't instantly shoot my dream down. I can be, you never know."

"Well, for starters you're not blue, you're not a mutant, and there's no smoke or flash of light when you…do that thing you do."

"Hey, you know what? I think that smokey monster thing just might be a giant trail of Nightcrawlers!" I said.

Bean checked her watch and made a weird squeak.

"Geez, I have to go! Bye!" She turned around and I noticed something fell out of her bag. I bent to pick it up and when I looked up she was gone. It looked a little bit like a remote, but it was round and had only two buttons on it. Now that I think of it, it looked nothing like a remote. But it did look familiar… Anyway, it occurred to me that I had been walking this whole time when I could have easily used my MGP/Nightcrawler/Apparition powers to get to the bonfire. But when I got there no one was around.

"Damn it!" I cried as I kicked the ground. All the torches were out. I heard some voices and leaves moving, and the figure of a man stood before me.

"Hello, Tabitha," the man said, a little awkwardly and confused. "Um… Where did you come from?"

"Who are you?" I asked. Kate wasn't here, and I was really in the mood to kick some ass. If I couldn't worm my way out of this one quickly, there'd be hell to pay for the first person I saw. And this guy was already starting to get on my nerves.

"Well, I never got the chance to formally introduce myself to your pals-" I sniffed disapprovingly, "-but I'm known around these parts as _Mr. Friendly_!"

When he said the last part, all the torches lit up again.

"Where are they?" I asked. "My 'pals'? And what've you done to Walt? And… are you wearing make-up?"

"Oh, Walt's fine, just fine. You know, he speaks very highly of you. Walt's a special boy. And you're a special girl."

An orchestra plucked their violins in the background. That was never good.

"How do you mean?" I asked.

"You'll find out," Mr. Friendly grinned. "You see, you're going to have to come with me."

I stepped back a few paces. I pulled the trigger on the machine gun. There was a loud click noise. Mr. Friendly laughed. I dropped the gun and it lay between us, useless.

"Yeah, the next time you bring a gun with you out in the jungle, make sure it's loaded," he said. "But really, Tibby. Come on, now. Don't make us use force."

And that's when it hit me. I pulled out the unidentified remote thing discreetly from my pocket. I pushed the red button, and there was a flash of pink light as I held it in front of me. I heard a finger in the bushes pull a trigger, and was one step ahead of the bullet and whisked it away with my saber. Yes, that's right. I had a PINK light saber. Bitches. Friendly just stared.

"Leave!" he barked at the trees. The sound of a dozen people walking away followed as Mr. Friendly pulled out a remote of his own. His saber flashed green.

"Nice, make me look like the bad guy," I said.

He pushed another button. His saber turned red.

"Better?" he asked.

"Well, I'm not particularly fond of our duel looking like something on a Valentine card," I said.

"Tis the season," Friendly said. We charged at each other. I'll admit, the battle was intense. I fell quite a lot, especially when I felt the urge to do jump Jedi-style up a tree, and it kind of backfired. I ended up singing Friendly's beard, which wasn't a bad trade off. We approached one of the bushes that his people were in and I was kind of startled when my saber missed it's mark and it hit someone's flesh in the bush. An arm fell on the ground.

"Damn it, Alex!" Friendly bellowed. "I told you to leave!"

"Sorry!" a droning voice said from the bush.

"Damn, now we're going to have to sow it back on like last time!"

I was still staring at the arm on the ground and was momentarily stunned. Friendly realized and took the opportunity. I only reacted just in time. We stood there, with both our sabers crossed and determined to make it slice the other before this battle was over. Then something in the forest caught my eye. It was the Nightcrawler cloud. It came closer and closer, and Friendly turned to look at it just as it engulfed us both.

DAY FIFTY-TWO:  
9:47 a.m. –LOST

I woke up on the couch in the living room of the hatch. Someone had put the record player on.

"_Well, I got a brand new pair of roller skates, you got a brand new key…"_

I looked around and noticed someone was sitting in the computer room. It was Locke.

"_I think that we should get together, and try them out to see…"_

"You're up," he said. "Morning."

"What happened?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Last night… How'd I get back here?"

"What?"

"I was looking for you and Kate and…"

"I don't understand… Oh, of course. Yes, that was quite a fall."

"What?"

"You were trying to open the vent in the gun vault. Yup, fell right through. Ouch, falling right on your face… Jack said these were for you."

He tossed a bottle of painkillers my way. I stared at them for a moment as I tried to register what happened. Was it all… just a dream? I walked over to the kitchen and leaned against the counter, and felt something in my back pocket. I pulled out the saber thing. I stared at it for a while. This meant that it wasn't a dream, that it had all been real.

That I still had a score to settle with Kate.

-Tibby T

A/N: …Yep. I really should try to get a job as a writer for LOST. Honestly, if J.J. is actually airing the crock-pot ideas his writers are coming up with, I should be able to get a job there easily. I mean, I think pink light sabers are just what the show needs. Oh, and listen to Melanie's "Brand New Key" if any of you get the chance. It's AWESOME. I was listening to my crappy radio-pod and that song came on, and it's been in my head for days. Well, bye.


	13. Fire & Water

**Robo t's… Place of Rage.  
**Did anyone else get the feeling that the LOST writers had taken dangerous amounts of crack when they were writing this episode? I mean, WTF! Joining me in my **Place of Rage** this week will be my half-ass of an editor, Indie, and those two fan girls from _This Is Drive Shaft. _  
Indie: You know, seeing this episode reminded me of how much I hate life.  
Robo: I know, it was nothing but random flashbacks and dream sequences. To think, we were looking so forward to this. For a friggin change.  
Braceface: I thought it was awesome!  
Fan Girl #2: OMG LIAM IS SOOO HAWT!  
Indie: Hello, fan girls.  
Robo: I have to agree about the Liam thing. Just seeing the pair I've been writing about for months was just great to see. I mean, you got to see the whole band! We saw Patrick!  
Indie: Yeah, in _diapers_. WTF was that about?  
Robo: Probably a connection with Charlie's unhealthy obsession with babies. In case you haven't realized, that was the theme of the show. Hey, did you notice the polar bear thing?  
Indie: No, but that's why I have you. And, you know, Charlie's flashbacks made as much sense as Tibby's… Wait… Did YOU write this episode?  
Robo: No, because if I did, I would've put something in here that I absolutely cannot believe they left out.  
(Both Fan Girls are chiseling Liam's name into their arms. Yes, I said chiseling.)  
Indie: And what's that?  
Robo: Only a scene from one of the most influential movies about heroin addicts of all time!  
Braceface: LIAM I LOVE YOU!

the LOST diaries: pt 12

DAY FIFTY-TWO:  
10:23 p.m. –LET'S ALL FORGET ABOUT MICHAEL, SHALL WE?

"Okay, so maybe I overreacted. I didn't mean to hit you like that. It was an accident, really."

"You hit me twice."

It was Kate's hatch shift, and there was plenty an awkward silence between us. In part, it could be blamed on the fact that I was propped up on the same bed Sawyer was on, was making quite a bit of dying grunts and groans, and had found a bin of talcum powder and had put it all over my face. Because I was "dying" and I wanted this little performance to be "convincing." By "convincing", I mean enough to show how much of a stupid bitch Kate is and have her do everything I say. And everyone knows dying people are pale. …Right?

"Well, the first time it was an accident," Kate said, flustered.

"And what do you call the second one?" I asked.

"…I panicked." Note, the only thing that kept me from not punching her face in was that a) she'd probably do a freaky deeky Matrix move that would result in me in much more pain than I presently was and b) the mental image of her with a light saber sticking out of her eye socket.

Jack came in. Kate turned to look at him. I put some more powder on my face.

"Hi, Kate. Tibby, what… What are you doing?"

I coughed, and a giant puff came off my face.

"Nothing," I said, and Kate grinned at my coughing attack. Jack did that little silent laugh he does and left. As soon as he was out of sight and earshot, Kate grabbed a pillow and socked me across the face with it. I think it was supposed to be playful, but damn, did it hurt.

"You're not dying!" she said.

It took me awhile to respond, for I couldn't see anything except for the cloud of dust.

"I never said I was," I said. "But, let's be honest, you nearly broke my jaw last night. And… I don't think I can really forgive you."

"Well, I'm not really pining for your forgiveness," Kate responded.

"Well… What are you pining for?"

She got a really dreamy look on her face.

"Kate? …Kate? Kate! Ground control to Major Kate!"

She shook out of her obviously Sawyer goggling daydream and muttered, "Nothing, I don't want anything."

"Well… Damn it, I want something!"

"What?"

"Well, you owe me."

"What do I owe you?"

"I… don't know. But let's have an agreement, right here, right now, to have a truce, for one, and that if I ever ask you for a favor in the near future, you'll have to oblige."

Kate thought about this for about five seconds.

"Okay," she said, extending her hand. We shook. It was agreed.

11:33 p.m. -LOST

I've been bored out of my mind the entire morning. I couldn't think of anything Kate could do for me. Well, I thought of a lot of things, but I don't want to waste it on asking Kate to get me a water bottle or something stupid. And I need to refrain from asking her things like that in case I make a mistake. I was walking to my Spot, which is the beach a little farther down from our camp, the one with the little clearing right by the shore where I normally write these entries or just think, when I spotted Charlie by the water. He seemed to be… squatting and doing something with his hands in the air. It looked like he was playing air piano or something. Then he stopped suddenly and started to pull at this nonexistent piano and talk to it and then hit it. Then he was distracted by something (so Charlie) and turned and looked at the place where the piano just was in shock. Then he… ran away from the piano. Guess he didn't care about it much. Then he charged for the camp and demanded where Aaron was. But then he stopped as soon as he saw Locke hanging around with Claire. And then he left again. Gandalf, he needs to get a life. Well, if I'm following his every movement I guess so do I.

DAY FIFTY-THREE:  
1: 30 p.m. –LOST

We really should consider putting a leash on Charlie or something. Last night he took Aaron from the camp and we found him holding the baby by the shore. I wasn't as worried as everyone else, but I'll tell you, Claire was PISSED. Anyhoo, yesterday I decided to go to Charlie's stash of hero-Marys. I was THAT bored. I broke one of the statues and stared at one of those stupid little baggies. I mean, it's hard to take those things seriously. They're so cute looking! Come on, I doubt they can really kill. So I pocketed a baggie and walked over to the hatch, where I found Libby and Hurley in the laundry room. Ugh. How dare he bring HER down here? Can't anyone tell she's EVIL? What, with her shifty looking eyes and her snapping of people's legs! I went over to the bedroom and took out one of the bags. Now, I knew all the steps to injecting the heroin, from the putting the spoon over a flame to the flicking of the needle and all that stuff, but there wasn't a needle I could find. Well, yes, they were all over the place, but surely I could find a method less crude and painful. What did Charlie always do? Well, if memory served me right, he would…put some on his finger and rub it on his gums? These heavy drugs were never really my thing; alcohol's always been my weakness. But I did take acid once and then watched the Wizard of Oz. Ooh, I shudder just at the thought. Flying monkeys scratching my eyes. Well, surely the results to this wouldn't be that bad, right?

2: 10 p.m. –LOST

Well, I tried it. And… it wasn't as bad as the flying monkeys. But I dropped out cold and when I woke up everything seemed to be squished into this tiny little room, and there was a song that was blaring in my head that I have no idea what the hell it was.

"_Push th' little daises and make 'em come up!"_

"Oh, what the hell is that song?" I said, slapping my swimming head. It was a really annoying and appropriate song, considering the circumstances.

"_Push th' little daises and make 'em come up!"_

"Shut up!" I yelled. I heard a weird sound coming from the ceiling. I looked up and there was Aaron, crawling on the ceiling. He stopped right over me, and his head slowly began to turn.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Hurley came in and asked me what was wrong. I was still staring at the ceiling and I was still screaming my head off. The baby was gone, but I couldn't stop screaming.

"What's wrong with her?" Libby asked.

"I don't know!" Hurley yelled over my voice.

Libby grabbed a lamp from the table.

"Can I help?" she asked, an evil grin on her face, I stopped immediately and ran out of there. I just charged through the jungle and didn't even realize where I was until I ran right into Charlie, playing his guitar on the beach. The guitar went flying, I went flying, there was sand everywhere. I was still a little under the influence, so everything seemed to be closer and in slow motion.

"Tibby! What the bloody hell are you doing?" he yelled.

"Sorry."

"Why were you in such a big hurry?" he asked.

"Oh, nothing." Charlie looked skeptical. "I just… had a weird dream, is all." Charlie nodded, like he knew what I was talking about. Well, of course he knew what I was talking about. He plays pianos with babies in them. He strummed his guitar absentmindedly as he stared into space. I didn't want him to go into flashback/daydreaming mode, so I hit his guitar so that it would hit him right in the face. That snapped him right out of it.

"AH! What!"

"Oh, I was just wondering what you thought of Libby," I said.

"Who?" Charlie said, rubbing his head and examining his guitar. "Oh," he grinned. "You think she's trying to replace you."

"Actually, I was thinking what you thought about her and Hurley being together, but I'm so reassured that you've confirmed that the thought of her replacing me has occurred to you."

"She and Hurley are together?" Charlie exclaimed incredulously.

"Well, of course not, they haven't even been here for a week, but Hurley does like her."

Charlie got a very sour look on his face. He began to shake his guitar, and we heard a rattling inside.

"Charlie, I'm sure Claire will come to her senses," I said. "But the thing is, you have to get yours back in place too."

"What?" Charlie asked, still searching for that stupid pick.

"That you're kind of being a psycho stalker guy," I said. "It's creeping Claire out. I think you should give her some space."

The pick fell out, but now it had fallen in the sand, and Charlie was making a big deal of finding it.

"I know you don't want to listen to me, but hear me out. You're making a big mistake-"

"Didn't you used to like me?" Charlie said, examining the grey guitar pick that had DS on it.

…He was up to something. "…Yes. But I was naïve and young. Besides, you are SO too weeks ago."

He laughed. "Am I?" He glanced in the direction of the camp, and then threw himself at me. His face was inches from mine when I stopped him.

"What are you doing?" I shrieked.

"Oh, it should be obvious," he grinned. "Why, you've never-?"

"I know what you're doing!" I snapped, crawling out from under him. "You're trying to get back at Claire! You're trying to make her jealous!"

"…Well, yes, in a way that's true. But…I am lonely."

That was true, and who knew what he would do on his own. I sat down, but a good few feet away.

"So?" I scoffed.

"I haven't seen you in a while," he said, slowly but surely inching towards me.

"You see me every day."

"Well, I know, but we haven't just talked like this in a while."

I wasn't sure if we ever did. I mean, I'm sure there was an incident that just isn't standing out inmy memory. Well, at least an incident where I wasn't insulting him. Yes. I'm sure…

"And?"

"You know, Tibby, no one will ever replace you…"

Oh, he definitely has ways with the ladies. I won't go into full detail, but when we started kissing he was sitting on one side of me and by the time we were done he was on the other side, his hair quite messy.

"We'll never speak of this again," Charlie said.

"No we won't."

"I'm… going to go see what Eko's doing," Charlie said.

"Can I come?"

He took a while to respond. "…Fine."

We found Eko marking trees by the camp, which I guess is a great way to…waste time. When asked why he was marking the trees, he simply responded, "Because these are the ones I like." Funny, you don't see me doing that when I go to the shoe store. That's another thing to put on my Things To Do list. But Charlie can only stand idle chit chat not about him for so long, so he went on a long rant about Locke knowing something and him losing his mind and his baby obsession, blah, blah, blah. Eko considered this for a moment.

"Have you ever considered that these dreams mean something?"

Ooh, suicide! I forget that Eko's new around here. He fits in so well. But everyone here knows not to make Charlie think, otherwise evil and horrible things happen. But Eko's the new guy and hasn't gotten to the extensive Charlie Do's and Don'ts chapter in the LOST manual, so he wouldn't have known that he stepped into the danger zone. And of course he ignored the horrible grimace on my face.

"Like what?" Charlie asked.

"What if you do need to save the baby?" Eko said.

"NO! NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO!" I was yelling this as I followed Charlie charge over to Claire's tent, where I guess she was feeling a wee under the weather, or busy making Charlie voodoo dolls. Kate psychically stopped him, and I backed off, in case her letting me see Claire would be considered part of the deal. Charlie blurted out that the baby needed to be baptized. You know, had he figured this out sooner and had casually introduced it to Claire, I'm sure she would've considered it and probably obliged. But, this is Charlie we're talking about, so that means awkward yelling out suggestions after stealing your baby in the middle of the night.

10: 17 p.m. –LOST

You see what I mean? DO YOU SEE IT? Once you get Charlie thinking, he goes out and does something SO stupid… Works every time, it's a damn guarantee. I found Charlie in the jungle, bent over a little bushel of dead leaves and sticks. Okay, I didn't just stumble upon him, I was following him. He pulled out a lighter and I blurted out, "What are you doing?"

"Go away, Tibby."

"Are you trying to start a fire?"

"…Yes."

"Are you burning the rest of your stash?"

"No, Locke took all of them a few hours ago."

"Then what are you doing?"

"Go away."

I ran over to him and tried to take the lighter from him. A few sparks got him in the chest, and as he writhed around on the ground, I lectured about the dangers of forest fires.

"I mean, haven't you heard of Smokey the Bear? 'Don't start forest fires, kids'. No, wait, you're English… Isn't your thing Snoggy the Frog or something like that?"

"What?"

"No, it's not Snoggy, what am I saying? I know it starts with an 'S'. Let's see, Snippy…Snappy…Scritchy…Saab…-"

Charlie tried to grab the lighter, but I held on to it just in time and we played tug-o-war for a while until it slipped…and the bush caught on fire.

"See ya, Snoopy!" I said and ran off. Charlie tried to casually walk after me, but let's just say that didn't work out that well. Sayid noticed it immediately, and I couldn't help but notice how deformed those flames were… I realized that the fire was actually a diversion so Charlie could get the baby, and of course he wasn't very discreet about that, either. Aaron started to whine and Claire noticed immediately.

"Charlie, what are you doing!" she cried.

"I'm doing what I have to do," Charlie said.

"He's got my baby! Stop it!"

"No, Claire, it's alright. It's not –"

"Charlie, stop! Help! Somebody help! He's got my baby!"

The Powerhouse, a.k.a Locke came over.

"Help! Come on, Charlie, please. Stop it," Claire whined.

"I just wanted to save him."

"Charlie! Give me the baby," Locke said.

I guess the fire was put out, which was pretty damn quick. Everyone gathered round to watch.

"Eko, tell them," Charlie said when he spotted Eko. "Tell them, Eko. Tell them what you told me -- that the baby has to be baptized."

"This is not the way," Eko responded all noble-like. Like he finally realized that he shouldn't have even suggested the mere thought to Charlie, and that he definitely didn't want to be dragged into this now.

"Charlie, come on, give him to me," Locke said.

"Who the hell are you, John? Aaron's not your responsibility. Where were you when he was born? Where were you when he was taken? You're not his father. You're not his family."

"Neither are you, Charlie," Locke said. Charlie looked momentarily like, Wait, I AM a psychopath. But he got over this quickly.

"I have to do this. I need to. I'm not going to hurt him."

"You're hurting me, Charlie," Claire said, all teary-eyed.

Locke took Aaron from the teary-eyed Charlie, who was now telling Claire, "Claire. I'm sorry, Claire." But then suddenly Powerhouse punched Charlie in the face three times and knocked him into the tide, to the enjoyment of everyone watching, who all silently cheered and pumped their fists.

DAY FIFTY-FOUR:  
1: 47 p.m. –LOST

Jack ended up giving Charlie stitches and Charlie promised him he'd never set the forest on fire again. But that certainly doesn't stop him from, let's say, setting the camp on fire? We all know he's going to do something stupid, we just never know where or when. And, in a hilarious twist of irony, Claire and Aaron ended up getting baptized. What…no one else finds this funny but me?

A/N: I'll just hit my head on something and count the days till I have to do another of these pointless diary things.


	14. The Long Con

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Was I the only one that already knew Charlie was the one that kidnapped Sun? I don't know if this is on purpose, it's probably not, but one can forget a lot when there's an old episode shown. For instance, remember when Charlie was kidnapping Aaron about, oh let's say every five minutes? In the island time that was, what, a day ago? Maybe two? Why did no one suspect Charlie of kidnapping? Did they not think he had the balls to do it? I mean, when they said that Sun had been kidnapped, and more importantly, it FAILED, the first thought that popped into my head was, "Damn it, Charlie, stop kidnapping people! Can't you do anything right?" Anyhoo, those were my thoughts of rage.

the LOST diaries: pt 13

DAY FIFTY-FIVE:  
1:30 p.m. –LOST

This morning Sawyer was taking a swim, all shirtless and sexy, and Charlie was making a job at putting up his new tent, all sad and short.

"Well, look who had to relocate to the suburbs," Sawyer joked. I sniggered, and Charlie remained silent. Of course, Sawyer went on, saying how typical it was, Charlie getting thrown out of the house and forced to get an apartment, something like that. And how getting beaten by Locke was like Gandhi beating his kids. Which I wouldn't agree with, but I couldn't help but laughing at the memory.

Charlie looked smug, but then smirked and said, "Shouldn't you be more worried about Jack ransacking your tent right now?" Ooh, _ransacking_.

"What?" Sawyer said, noticing Jack looking through his tent. Sawyer stomped to his tent to stop him, and Charlie continued to smirk, as if he was thinking, _"Uh-burn!"_ But honestly, Charlie. Jack was RIGHT THERE. Sawyer would've seen him the second he turned his head. Sawyer and Jack got into a slight confrontation, Sawyer having threatened Jack by the time it was over. Sawyer was still fuming as he put his things back after Jack's _ransacking_. Kate came over.

"I like what you've done with the place," she said.

"Maid's day off," Sawyer grumbled.

"I heard Jack took your pain killers." Whoa, this was like, ten minutes ago. I'm telling you, gossip spreads pretty damn fast.

"Well, I guess me and the Doc are on the outs. One less Christmas card I'll have to send this year." Now, the only reason I chose to share this pointless conversation is because of all the lame jokes. What are we on, three? Three thousand? Kate threw down a magical magazine that appeared out of thin air.

"Maybe that'll cheer you up. It's from the hatch. I know you're hard up for new reading material." It was a woman's magazine, with a headline reading: BEFORE YOU CURL, STORIES TO MAKE YOU HURL! TOP TEN PERM HORROR STORIES! Now, why on earth would this particular magazine be in the hatch? THAT would explain Desmond's hair…

Sawyer said that he had lost his damn glasses on the damn raft, and asked Kate if she could read the damn magazine to him. At first she had the weirdest expression on her face, but eventually picked up the magazine and started to flip though it.

"Alright, 10 Ways To Tell If He's A Sensitive Man," she said.

Locke passed by, and Sawyer remarked that the old brute was a sensitive guy.

"Claire asked him to sleep down here," Kate said. …Because there's a connection there with Locke being sensitive? I don't see it. Or maybe she's just trying to change the subject with something I find slightly creepy. I left and followed Hurley to where Sayid was hitting coconuts with a stick. Rather, hitting a stick with some coconuts. Now, I'm no coconut expert, but I could've sworn coconuts grew in the Caribbean or something. But, really, what do I know? Maybe a bird brought it. Some sort of swallow.

"Hey man," Hurley said. "You gonna put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both up?" I laughed. I'll take Hurley's lame ass jokes over Sawyer's any day.

"What do you want, Hurley?" Sayid snapped. Hurley went on to say that Bernard had given him the radio the Misplaced team had been using, and that maybe Sayid could fix it so they could use it, but our pessimistic Sayid shot this idea right down, saying that the radio worked as a walkie-talkie, and that if he did fix it, all they would get would be the French chick's message.

"Come on, man," Hurley said. "It's worth-"

"It's worth nothing. It's a waste of time." Yeah, and hitting a stick with some coconuts SO isn't. I'd rather be marking trees.

"Just trying to cheer you up, dude."

"I don't need cheering up." But if he did need some cheering up, I bet Hurley doing a little dance would be funny. Yes… Dance, puppet, dance. Speaking of brainless puppets, I heard a familiar grunt and spotted a familiar pair of jeans swaying as Charlie failed to walk discreetly through the jungle with a piece of cloth in his hands. I was going to follow him, but suddenly it started pouring rain. This did nothing but dampen my spirits. Am I the only one that realizes that, when it rains, nothing good comes from it? I heard someone screaming, and I ran toward the direction. But I realize that I can't follow my sense of hearing for anything, so I walked in circles for a few minutes until Vincent came out and started to bark. I followed him and found Sun on the ground, Kate and Sawyer already leaning over her. Sawyer ordered Kate to get Jack, and when he came back to camp carrying Sun in his arms, everyone was running around and panicking. I'll never understand Kate's methods. She must've ran to camp screaming we were all going to die or something. But, as always in cases like these, there were people not very far off completely oblivious as to what was going on.

"Was she conscious at all?" Jack said as he ran over. "Did she say anything?"

"Nothing. Not a word," Sawyer responded in what I thought was a pretty shady voice. Jin ran over and started yammering in Korean. Jack failed to reassure him.

"Where'd you find her?" he asked Sawyer, completely ignoring the very concerned Jin. Jack's always looking for a fight. And if he kept it up, it looked like he was going to get just that from Jin.

"I heard her scream. Found her out in the jungle about a half a click from here," Sawyer said. WTF is a click? Is this some new measurement I don't know about? Or is it just Sawyer language?

Kate, all concerned and not yelling about our imminent doom, said, "She was out cold and her hands were tied."

"What do you mean, her hands were tied?" Jack asked incredulously. Does he spreckon ze English? Well, if he understands what click means and I don't, I guess it's pretty fair game. Wait… Wouldn't Sun's hands still have been tied? I mean, Jack would've been able to see for himself, right? And if he was so confused about the hands thing, they wouldn't of been tied, and that would've meant that someone would have had to untied them from when Sawyer and Kate found her to when she was brought into a tent, and since I didn't see Sawyer untie her… AH! BRAIN HURTS!

In a very appropriate Poltergeist-ish voice, Ana Lucia replied, "They're back."

5:24 p.m. –LOST

Five minutes later, all the important people were standing around in a circle. You could just tell they were important, they were standing away from everyone, would advert their glances from the rest of us, and you couldn't help but get the feeling that they were talking about you, and it felt just like high school again. But, all my unpleasant adolescent memories aside, they were really talking about what happened to Sun. Apparently, Jack was crestfallen that these "Others" had betrayed them. Darn those Others! They proved so trustworthy! Sawyer and Kate went to investigate the scene of the crime, and I of course followed. Sawyer was saying it was weird that Sun got away, she didn't really seem to be able to pack much of a punch. He found a hood hanging on one of the branches.

"It's a hood, just like the one they put over my head," Kate said.

"No it's not. This one's black, different weave. It's all in the details -- and they're wrong," Sawyer said. And I'm a little confused. Was Sawyer seriously comparing the craftsmanship of this hood to one of the Others? And when did he have time to look at the Others' hoods anyway? And why the hell would he do that in the first place? "It's all in the details", my ass.

"Well, if it wasn't them, then who?" Kate asked, because of course she was absorbing everything Sawyer was saying. Oddly enough, Sawyer could study this hood so well and so closely when less than an hour ago Kate had to read a magazine to him because he couldn't read it himself. That stupid bitch. "What are you saying, one of us did it? Who the hell would want to go after Sun?"

"Not much upside to scaring the crap out of 46 people -- unless you're trying to con them into joining an army," Sawyer said darkly. Honestly, did everyone take stupid pills this morning? Why has Sun almost getting kidnapped gotten everyone riled up? Stuff like this happens EVERY DAY. I don't know how these people put up with it.

9:37 p.m. –LOST

I'll spare all the boring, complicated details. Apparently, everyone's been incredibly dumb lately. For starters, as I said before, Kate. Sawyer tricked her into thinking Ana Lucia was the evil mastermind. Which just makes me laugh, not because there's no way Ana would do…well, anything without her trusty sidekick, Gunny, but because he never actually said Ana Lucia's name. This proves just how good Sawyer is, and also that Kate might be a wee bit jealous. Now, THAT'S a fight I'd be willing to see. And then Sun came to, and Jack was already to whop some ass and get some guns. Now, I'm not exactly sure about the logic on this island, but miraculously Jack was delayed, and that gave Sawyer just enough time to easily con Locke to get rid of all the guns in what must've been five minutes. You have to admit, the man's got a gift. Locke took all the guns and put them somewhere in the woods. Now, I'm not sure what he did, but I can't help but wonder if he buried them. Of course he didn't, I know that, but it just would've been funny if Locke had buried all the guns. It just strikes me as something he'd do. Jack went to get the guns and found the gun vault empty, and he when Sawyersaid Locke hid them, he went to kick some Locke ass. And their conversation went a little like this:

"John, where are they? You moved the guns. Where are they? We had an agreement," Jack said. I just love how his sentences ramble a bit. I was watching strictly for entertainment and to look back at this and laugh.

"An agreement that you were about to violate, Jack. Yes, I moved the guns," Locke replied.

"Where? Where? Where, John?"

"Are you going to start handing them out? How many? Who gets them? How much time before there's an accident? Another accident. I made a mistake teaching Michael how to shoot and now he's -- he could be dead for all I know -- and that, that was my fault. I take responsibility for that and so, yes, I'm taking responsibility for the guns, too."

"I want two guns, John." Ding! Order up!

"I'm sorry, Jack. That's the way it's going to be, Jack." Is it just me, or is everyone getting repetitive too?

"Two guns. Now tell me where they are, right now!" Jack whined. Suddenly we heard shots fired. We all turned to see Sawyer strutting out of the jungle holding a rifle and wearing a big grin on his face. He went on to this long speech about… Getting revenge? This LOST logic still has me confused. The point was, he was "the new sheriff in town". I had had enough of his stupid jokes, and wondered what Hurley was doing. Apparently, on another part of camp where people were completely oblivious to what had been going on all day, I found him and Sayid listening to some tunes on the radio. I heard rustling behind me, and I saw a familiar hooded figure get back up and dust off his pants. I don't know why that man keeps falling. Maybe he's shrinking even more and his britches are getting too big for him. Anyway, I walked a little ahead of Charlie and found Sawyer.

"And what exactly are you doin here, Dickens?" Sawyer asked.

"You know, I was wondering how long you'd last," I said. "I knew you'd want to make your entrance official. Come back with a bang."

"What do you mean?" Sawyer said.

"It figures. You leave, and Charlie takes your place as the person everyone loves to hate. Good work, by the way, getting Charlie to be your bitch. Because if there's one person on this island no one will think would attempt to kidnap a grown woman, it's the heroin freak with the baby fetish."

"Are you talking about me?" Charlie said, trying to match Sawyer's evil look by putting his hood up. Needless to say, it didn't work.

"He never saw you, huh?" Sawyer asked Charlie.

"No, he was more worried about his sodding guns than being followed," Charlie answered. I'm sorry, but I just can't take his tough guy act seriously. And I'll assume they were talking about Locke.

"Figured you'd want your friends back," Sawyer said, handing Charlie a hero-Mary.

"If I wanted them I would have taken them before I told you where they were." Wait… What? "That's not why I did it," Charlie said.

"It's not, huh?"

"I wanted him to look like a fool -- to feel like a fool."

"Well, well, it looks like Johnny Locke's got himself a nemesis."

"Shut up, Sawyer," I said.

Charlie said, "Sun can never find out what I did to her. Never." And we ALL know she will.

"Don't sweat it," Sawyer replied. "I've got bigger things to worry about now." This pretty much translates to Sawyer won't care at all when everyone finds out Charlie kidnapped Sun.

"Sawyer, this idea -- all of this -- what we did -- what made you -- How does someone think of something like that?" The right question would be Why, but okay.

Sawyer took about five minutes to respond.

"I'm not a good person, Charlie. Never did a good thing in my life." Even though that didn't answer Charlie's question at all, they both started walking into the dark depths of the jungle. And I won't tell you the glee I felt of walking between my two main squeezes. Suddenly I shuddered pretty violently.

"What's wrong?" Charlie asked.

"Nothing. Just got chills," I said. We continued walking. "You guys- You guys are okay with walking around at night like this?" I asked as I slowed to a stop.

"You're with me, sweet cheeks," Sawyer said. "There's nothing to be afraid of."

"Yeah, now that you mention it…" Charlie said, observing the canopy, "it is a little weird."

"Oh, knock it off, it's just trees," Sawyer said. "And be careful with that ass-grabbing, Obi. Try keeping your hands to yourself."

I was a few feet behind Sawyer.

"Are you talking to me?" I asked. Sawyer looked at me, stunned. Then he turned and looked at his backside. A muddy arm was sticking out of a low bush and was pinching his rear. Sawyer's eyes widened as he yelped and fled. Charlie laughed but stopped short when another muddy arm slapped his hindquarters. He shrieked and bolted.

Once Charlie was out of sight, I muttered, "Thanks, Kate." I held out two rags and she took one and started to wipe off her arm.

"That was fun! We should do that more often," she said, laughing.

"Why did I get Charlie?" Steve moaned.

"Shut up, Steve. You have successfullycompleted your first mission in the Oceanic Army. You should be celebrating."

"I can't wait till everyone hears about a Butt-Grabbing monster in the woods," Kate said.

"Stop touching me, Steve," I said.

"I'm not."

We started walking back to camp.

"_Stop touching me, Steve!"_

A/N: Oh, I can't resist the old Ass-Grab McSpankSpanks prank. Yep. I just can't.


	15. One Of Them

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**I didn't like this episode. The only thing that was intriguing was that, as most of you saw, when the timer reached the limit there were these weird red hieroglyphic things that just screamed: GET READY, FOLKS, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! But, this is LOST; killing everyone off at once like that is out of the question. Or is it? But I'm getting sick of this whole outline the LOST writers have got going. We're all familiar with it. You have a main "theme" and plot of what's going on in the episode, mainly following a particular character. Then you have the pointless flashbacks of that character, just slightly going with this "theme". And, of course, you have the absolutely stupid subplot that has nothing to do with anything. That subplot this week? A frog. So I've got it. Next Tibby flashback, the theme will be: Tibby just can't take it anymore, and decides to kill herself, but fails at each attempt. Why the LOST writers haven't pulled this out of their sleeves is beyond me. I bet they already have, they're just waiting to introduce a new character who they can kill off after a few episodes. Anyhoo, the flashbacks will be: Tibby off the island trying to kill herself, and failing at each attempt. The subplot: Eko befriends a mouse. Let's do this.

the LOST diaries: pt 14

DAY FIFTY-SIX:  
2: 38 p.m. –LOST

This morning I was walking back from my bathroom break when I heard a noise. I was expecting it to be Charlie, either trying to get back at me from last night or trying to find his hero-Mary statue. Little did he know I took it. I'm not addicted; I just…think I might need a little kicker now and again. So I followed the noise, hoping to scare him, when I ran into someone only too familiar.

I gave a yelp (actually it was more like an "Eek!" Like the purple cat) and completely gave away my position. Not that I could hide from Danielle. She had her rifle pointed right at me when I walked up, my hands in the air and my mouth making inaudible noises that I guess could be described as a semi-playful/terrified "You got me!" sort of sound. She lowered her gun and gave the slightest trace of a smirk. "Get Sayid," she said. I walked backwards away from her and ran off, clueless as to where Sayid was and ran into Ana. I asked her if she knew where Sayid was, and she sneered and said no. But then she heard rustling behind me and we could both see a person (Danielle) walking around through the trees, not clearly enough to really identify her, but closely enough to know she wasn't one of us. I tried to distract Ana, since I didn't want Ana to go commando, after all she was a newbie. A murderous newbie. I asked if we should get someone, and she ran off to get Sayid. So she did know where he was. Bitch. So she brought Sayid around and pointed at Danielle and said, "There. See?"

"Go back, I'll deal with this," Sayid said. He wasn't really surprised or anything. But I think Danielle's appearance around these parts are about as much of an omen as rain.

"What?" Ana said in disbelief.

"Go back, Ana-Lucia. And don't tell anyone what you saw."

And the thing I can't fully understand is that she did just that. Didn't question it any farther, didn't argue or anything. She just left. Maybe it's because she doesn't want to get Sayid started so he could use the whole "You killed the only sweet piece of ass I was getting on this island, bizzatch" line. So I guess it's understandable. But unbelievable. So we approached Danielle and Sayid asked Danielle what she was doing. She said she was looking for him. So far, I'm hooked onto this conversation, but am still apprehensive of Danielle. Ana Lucia is just a mean gun toting bitch. Danielle, on the other hand, is just CRAAAAAZY! With that thought in both me and Sayid's minds, we followed her anyway.

"Where are we going? You said you were looking for me -- what was your plan -- to hide in the woods hoping I would pass you by?" Sayid asked.

"I was going to wait until dark and find you at your tent," she replied. Once again, on edge was I. Wasn't it a little too early to start waiting for dark? Sayid stopped and said he wouldn't move until he found out where we were going. Danielle told him to trust her. And I think everyone can agree that when you're looking for a straight answer and the person responds with "trust me", it's NOT GOOD.

Luckily, Sayid already knew this and sneered, "The last time we met you arrived to warn us the Others were coming which they weren't. In fact, it was a diversion to kidnap Claire's baby. So pardon me for not trusting you."

Danielle pretended she didn't hear this, and said, "This place I'm taking you to -- there's something that will help you -- something important." Then she offered him her rifle and said he could use it if she was lying. Pfft. Like Danielle really has anything in her life to value. …Okay, that was a little mean.

"How much further?" Sayid asked.

"Not far," she answered. An hour an a half later my legs were starting to cramp and Danielle showed no signs of slowing. So I grumbled my discontent and said I'd see them later, and then popped back to the beach. I was just checking in, look over to make sure no one was getting kidnapped or anything when I heard a noise. It sounded like: _GREHEROW! EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH! _Yes, I remembered the sound in it's entirety. What, that's weird? I dismissed it, since I have the tendency to ignore noises completely, but when I saw Sawyer stomp out of his tent searching for the source I wondered what he was to mad about. I mean, surely after stealing all the guns and causing that ruckus yesterday he would be contempt? Which, for some reason everyone seemed to have forgotten about. He asked me if I wanted to help him find it.

"Find what?" I asked.

"The thing making that noise… that frog!"

"Frog?" I can actually laugh at myself for this. When you've grown up mainly in a urban city area, you kind of group these sounds together as FOREST NOISES, and leave it at that. "You want me to help you look for a frog?"

"Yeah!" Sawyer's eyes were nearly popping out of his head he was so frustrated. Dude, it's just a frog. "Come on, I bet it's in there!" he said, pointing at the trees.

"So, let me get this straight," I said, five minutes later as we walked through the jungle. "We're looking for a tree frog, right? In a forest? Where there's bound to be many trees and therefore many frogs? Or is it just one? A Highlander frog?"

Sawyer looked at me, confused.

"Oh, come on, _Highlander_? _'There can be only one'_? You know, the movie? Don't tell me you haven't seen _Highlander_."

"Can't say I have, Shakes," Sawyer said, spotting Hurley and grinning. I stopped short, stunned. "What do you mean, you haven't seen _Highlander_?" I called after him. "Where have you been the last twenty years?" He ignored my scandalized yells and approached Hurley.

"What do you got there, Rerun?" Sawyer asked. Is Sawyer physically capable of calling people by their actual names? I don't know why I stopped calling him Red Neck. I should do that more.

"Nothing," Hurley said, trying to cover the food but doing a really bad job at it.

"Yeah, well, you've got a spot of nothing on your chin there," Red Neck said, spotting the large jar Hurley was just eating. "Dharma Initiative ranch dressing? You know you're supposed to refrigerate that after you open it." Wait, are you trying to tell me Hurley was eating this ALONE? The sick bastard! So Sawyer found the rest of the food Hurley had lying around him in plain sight, and Hurley begged him not to tell anyone.

"_GREHEROW! EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH EH!"_

"Son of a bitch," Sawyer grumbled, and reached for his gun. He actually REACHED FOR HIS GUN. TO SHOOT A TREE FROG. Silly human. Doesn't he know the Highlander frog is immortal?

"Dude, it's just a tree frog," Hurley said, licking his finger clean. Ew.

"Have you seen it?" Sawyer asked.

"Yeah," Hurley said. This might be another city thing. There are frogs in this jungle? Why did I never notice? Why did we notice the polar bears before the frogs? And why is there one lone frog in the entire jungle? Poor thing.

"Tell you what -- you help me find that thing, you can keep right on ranch dipping. We got a deal?" Sawyer asked Hurley. Hurley seemed apprehensive, but agreed.

"Good luck," I said and walked off. Boys. I popped back to where Sayid and Danielle were, and they were STILL walking.

"How much further?" Sayid asked. "Danielle?"

"We're here," Danielle answered.

"And where exactly is here?" he asked. Does it matter? We're in the jungle, we'll always be in the jungle. We're on an island, we'll always be on an island. Danielle took a giant crossbow (it looked like she made it herself. Aww!) out of a bush and Sayid asked her what it was for. In excellent timing, we heard a voice in the distance calling for help. Sayid and I ran toward it and came across a man in a net. Danielle argued that he was an "Other". The man in the net introduced himself as Henry Gale From Minnesota. Wait…what? Oh, I've just been informed that his name is Henry Gale and that he's from Minnesota. Because when a French female psychopath traps you in a net, those are just the words she wants to hear. Sayid and Danielle argued some more, and when Henry spotted the arrow he took off running. Which caused Danielle to shoot him in the back with an arrow. Which caused me to panic and pop over to the hatch in quite a hurry. The crazy bee-yotch! I had a weird anxiety attack in the bathroom, and when I got out Henry was sprawled on the kitchen floor. Which is just what I want to see after I hyperventilate in the bathroom. Oh, and kudos to Sayid for putting a man with an arrow through his back on the kitchen floor. Location, location, location! Sayid woke Locke up and showed him Henry. Henry told us he had crashed on the island in a hot air balloon. They talked in riddles for a while and then Jack came in.

"What the hell's going onhere?" he said, his eyes already starting to bulge. I've been watching the progress of Jack's eyes. Because, as you can imagine, I have plenty of time to do so. It's interesting how his eyes can go from "squinting so bad that his eyes are barely open" to "open so much that his eyes appear to want to jump from the depths of their sockets".

"Rousseau trapped him in the jungle. She believes he's an Other," Sayid said. I really wish we could decide on one name for Crazy French Lady. Hell, I submit that one. From now on, Danielle is CFL.

"An other what?" Henry wailed, and I laughed. Okay, I know this guy just got shish-kabobbed, but that voice is hysterical.

"You shot him with an arrow?" Jack said, a little more annoyed than surprised. Like, Darn it, Sayid, did you get hold of a weapon again?

"Do I have a bow?" Sayid answered, also with that annoyed tone. "I was trying to get honest answers while he was able to give them. And his wound is far from life threatening." Really, Sayid? When was he trying to get HONEST answers? After the man was shot with an arrow? And I certainly wouldn't want to be one of Sayid's patients.

"We should let Jack treat him first, then we'll get our answers," Locke said.

"Jack, do not untie him," Sayid said.

I'm surprised Locke hasn't given a speech about how we're no better than the Others for shooting this poor bloke, and that blah, blah, blah, we get the gist. I really am disappointed. I thought I could trust him in a time like this. Well, we all know it's coming sooner or later. Anyhoo, Jack was doing his doctorly duties on Henry and Sayid and Locke were discussing what to do with him. Personally, I don't think this guy's an Other. He's just an idiot. Remember Ethan? All weird and mysterious? So was Goodwin. This guy? Let's be serious. If he was an Other, he wouldn't have let himself get shot with an arrow. If anything, he would've stopped that arrow. With his piercing stare.

"I think he's pretty convincing," Locke said.

"Yes, he is," Sayid said. Have you ever been so angry with someone that you didn't want to show the signs, but in your head you just wanted to bite off their face? Yeah, I couldn't believe that Sayid believed this CFL so easily. Maybe this guy owed her money or something, and she just wanted Sayid to finish him off or something.

"The real problem is there's no way we can be sure he's telling the truth," Locke said.

"That is not necessarily true," Sayid said, and I couldn't help but think how ironic that Sayid's flashbacks went along with this whole torturing thing and getting information that way. But maybe this won't be resolved in such a gruesome way. I mean, I last remember a girl named Nadia that he so dearly loved, but he dropped her pretty quick when Shannon came in the picture. Just maybe…

3:51 p.m. –LOST

Well, I was horribly mistaken. But it happens to the worst of us, I'm sure. Being locked in a vault and being beaten with a pair of pliers? Eh, not so much. Jack, Sayid, Locke and I carried Henry into the empty gun vault, because, as Locke and Sayid agreed, if people saw him lying in plain sight it would create a panic. Well, no shit. But I don't remember the hatch turning into an open bar, so what people are we talking about? The ones that encounter this type of stuff everyday as it is? So we carried him in the vault, and Jack left to get a cot, and Locke went after him. Sayid shut the door and Locke locked it quickly, but there was one small thing everyone forgot. Me. Yes, it seemed that I would get the best seats for the Sayid Jarrah Torture Show. I tried to get out, but Jack instantly started to pound on the door once it was locked, so if I got out Sayid wouldn't have been able to brutally interrogate Henry, and he couldn't have that. So there I was. You know, the thing that really got me was that Henry was still convinced he was pretty safe. I'm not exactly sure what delusion world he was living in, considering that if he noticed, Sayid's eyes would bulge and his nostrils would flare every time Henry said something he thought was suspicious or annoying. Like when he kept asking Sayid who he was. Yes, surely knew the proper torturing etiquette? You introduce yourself first. I made a little list of all the things that really set Sayid off.

1. Living in a cave.

2. Living on the beach for four months. We've been here for two, but I'm sure we'll all move to the mountains, since living in a cave is suspicious.

3. Coming here on a balloon. This was the big suspicious factor. If anyone is stupid enough to do that, there's no way they're going to last on an island for four months.

4. Seeming to know a whole lot more about his stupid balloon then his own wife.

5. Using past tense.

6. Having people want to talk to him at cocktail parties.

7. Not knowing how deep in the ground his wife was buried. Now, I could be completely wrong, but I think that Henry Gale probably knew Jennifer Murphy for longer than Sayid Jarrah knew Shannon Rutherford. Now, if this woman was willing to go with this man across the Pacific Ocean in a hot air balloon, she must have really loved him. I don't care what anyone says, THAT is love. There is NO way I would go across an ocean with anybody, let alone my spouse. Can you imagine how annoying that would be? It's not like he would see her every once in a while after he went on long journeys around an island and then decided to see her for some sweet lovin', like SOMEONE we know.

And, of course, Sayid snapped. "You would remember! You would remember how deep. You would remember every shovelful, every moment. You would remember what it felt like to place her body inside. You would remember if you buried the woman you loved. You would remember -- if it were true!"

And I will never understand why Henry said this, "Did you -- did you lose someone? Did you lose someone here on the island? Did you lose someone, too? What happened to her?"

Yes, because Sayid really wants to talk about this now!

"It was an accident. It was an accident. The woman responsible thought she was someone else -- someone coming to hurt her -- someone like you!"

"This is all a mistake. Slow down here, okay. Hurting me isn't going to bring her back," Henry said, because I think now the consequences were starting to dawn on him. And then Sayid started to punch him. I didn't know whether I should try to stop him or not. I couldn't stand hearing Henry's high-pitched yells, and I knew he was staring right at me. So I jumped on Sayid. This didn't work very well, since I just made him fall, but he got right back up and started to beat Henry with his bare hands. Then I noticed the pliers on the ground. I snatched them and was just about to swing when the door opened and Jack tackled Sayid. He had to literally drag Sayid out of there, leaving me with the pliers in my hands standing in the vault. I dropped them and left, and when Jack shut the door on Henry he gave us a weird look. It was probably because his face was just pummeled by Sayid, but it was still creepy.

"He is one of them," Sayid barked.

"Yeah? Did he tell you that?" Jack asked, wheezing as his eyes bulged more.

"No," Sayid said.

"Then how do you know?"

"Because I know. He is one of them."

"I think that Rousseau thought that about you once, Sayid. If I'm not mistaken she strapped you down, she shocked you, all because she thought you were one of them," Jack said. I think… I think he just said the smartest thing I've heard in days!

Locke emerged from the darkness all mysterious-like and said, "He is."

"What?" Jack asked.

"He is one of them. To Rousseau, we're all Others. I guess it's all relative, huh?" Yeah. GREAT TIMING, LOCKE.

6: 16 p.m. –LOST

I was sitting in my spot, watching the sun go down when Charlie sat down next to me. Then Sayid came and sat next to him.

"There is a man down in the hatch," Sayid said. "A stranger captured by Rousseau. I beat him. I beat him badly."

"Hell yes," I muttered. Charlie was confused.

"Why are you telling me this, Sayid?" he asked. Like, Dude, I was just sitting here.

"Jack asked me how I knew -- knew for sure that this man was lying. How I knew for sure that he was one of them -- one of the Others. I know because I feel no guilt for what I did to him. But there is no way I can ever explain that to Jack, or even Locke, because both of them have forgotten."

"Forgotten? What?" Charlie asked.

"That you were strung up by your neck and left for dead. That Claire was taken and kept for days during which god only know what happened to her. That these people -- these Others -- are merciless, and can take any one of us whenever they choose. So tell me, Charlie, have you forgotten?"

And by the look on Charlie's face, you could tell he was thinking: _That happened?...Oh yeah!_ The thing is, no one remembered that. Stuff like that happens to Charlie so much we lose count. And the funny thing is, I think Sayid has forgotten, too. That the very thing that created this little bond between him and Charlie was when they were looking for Aaron. You know, when Sayid had to blow off half of Charlie's face and gave him that scar we were looking at now? That the same person that caused Sayid to have to do that was the same one that found Henry Gale From Minnesota. That even though she tortured Sayid, everything was fine and dandy. But give Sayid a supposed "Other", and he'll kill him, or at least attempt to do so. What Charlie needs to do is kill Danielle. That's the only way everything on this island will be resolved.

-Tibby T

A/N: The network people are starting to play a new episode, a rerun, a new episode, a rerun. It's driving me nuts. I think they're trying to trick people into watching the old good episodes to cancel out episodes like these. So I'm already not starting to hold this next one in high esteem. …I really need to get a new hobby.


	16. Maternity Leave

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**I'll be honest, I liked this episode. Even though I could've cared less where Claire was when she was missing, it was interesting and I give it a thumbs up. Yay! You know what made this episode good? Ethan. It's science, Ethan just makes everything better. Well, rather, more appealing. I'm just waiting for the LOST writers to run out of old flashbacks and start going back to when they first crashed on the island. Because I think that'd be funny, the whole show going in circles. But that will probably be when the apocalypse starts on the island.

the LOST diaries: pt 15

DAY FIFTY-SEVEN:  
10: 04 p.m. –LOST

Last night Aaron was crying and Claire noticed he had a fever and a rash. Locke went to get Jack, because if Claire went down there and found out there was a guy in the armory she would…be surprised? So Locke went to get Jack and when he was gone CFL showed up and Claire quickly picked up Aaron and backed away, which, as we all know, is quite reasonable.

"What are you doing here? You stay away from us," Claire said, forming a cross with her fingers.

"He's infected, isn't he?" CFL asked. Well, it never actually sounds like she's asking. More like stating things without emotion.

"What?"

"Your child, he's sick."

"Get away. You get away from us!"

"You don't remember, do you?" CFL stated, and Claire got this blank look on her face and stared into space. The drool was starting to come out of her mouth and her grip on the baby was slacking. If Kate hadn't decided to run in at that moment and intervene, Claire probably wouldn't have come back to earth and would've dropped Big Aaron. Kate threw me off a bit, partly because of her sudden crisp authority, but mainly due to her mass of hair surrounding her face. Really, it can throw you of if you're not expecting it.

"Hey, get back! Get away from her! What do you think you're doing here? What are you doing here! Just get out of our camp," Kate barked. Danielle walked away, drifting away much like a ghost.

Claire still had that blank look on her face when Kate asked what was wrong. Then Jack turned up and looked over Aaron. Now, Claire kept insisting that something was wrong was Big Aaron, but Jack, a medical professional, kept saying he just had a normal fever that would go away in a few days. But, is Jack a certified pediatrist? Claire didn't THINK so. That man is strictly a surgeon. Claire suggested it was some kind of infection, and Kate mentioned that CFL had stopped by earlier.

Jack sighed and explained, "Claire, there is no infection. We've been on this island two months and no one's gotten sick. Rousseau's crazy. We're going to let the fever just run its course. It's going to be fine, okay, trust me. I'm going to get back to the hatch. I'll come back in a couple of hours and check on him again, okay?"

Claire muttered and Jack left. Kate reassured her that Jack knew what he was doing. Earlier this morning Claire went to Libby instead. Hmm. Surgeon that gets too close to his patients or a psychiatrist that snaps people's legs off? I think I'll take Jack any day, but for some reason Claire went to Libby to see why she was having these weird flashback things. …Isn't everybody? How is this new? But I guess she was freaked by it, so there you go. She was walking down the beach, explaining her predicament to Libby and holding Aaron. I was flipping through one of the books I had found in the hatch and this scene just happened to catch my eye. Not because of what Claire was saying, but because of how she was holding Aaron. I mean, I know he's a big baby, but he was just kind of dangling in Claire's arms. His big turnip head (more like grape fruit head. He's trying to sell me sandwiches!) didn't have much support, and his fat little legs were just hanging. I couldn't stand watching this anymore, so I stopped by the hatch. Of course, when I walked in, both Jack and Locke flung themselves at the armory, or as I call it, "Shawshank", but when they realized it was just me they sighed in relief. Since they were there, Jack asked Henry if he had to go to the bathroom. You do kinda half to feel sorry for this guy. All he wanted to do was ride a balloon across the ocean, and look what he's gotten himself into. Locke tossed him a book.

"I thought you might like something to read," he said.

"Dostoyevsky. You don't have any Stephen King?" Henry asked. Yeah, it's that kind of attitude that has kept me from freeing this prick. You know, he IS being kept prisoner. And he's lucky he's being kept in a prison where they give you books and not…something unpleasant.

"The library's a little outdated."

"Right. Well, thanks."

When Locke came out of Shawshank, Jack immediately started to nag him about the book, like he was afraid Henry would find a way to escape with the power of Dostoyevsky. Or that he had a tiny pick axe that he would use to dig a hole out of there and hide it in the book. Which is stupid, if he really wanted to escape I don't know why he wouldn't go through the vent. Well, it is on the ceiling, so I imagine it would be hard to get up there. But I guess you can never be too careful.

"Did you know that Hemingway was jealous of Dostoyevsky?" Locke asked.

Jack gave that little chuckle he does and said he didn't know that.

"He wanted to be the world's greatest writer, but convinced himself that he could never get out from under Dostoyevsky's shadow. Kind of sad, really." Yeah, I'm crying, John. "What are we doing, Jack?"

"What are we doing?" Jack asked, confused.

"We can't hide him down here forever. Changing shifts around is going to get people asking questions. I just want to know what the long term plan is," Locke said. It's so weird to watch them speaking so intently to each other and not being involved in it at all.

"Well, John, let me ask you this: we don't have a long term plan for the button but we keep pushing it, don't we? Look, until we know who he is -- whether or not he's telling the truth -- we have to keep doing what we're doing. If you've got a better idea let's hear it."

As if in response, Gale said faintly from Shawshank, "Why don't you let me go?"

I didn't bother leaving the hatch to see what Claire was up to. I didn't really care about where she was during the weeks she was gone and preferred life without here. Besides, if I'm ever curious about the hell she might (but most likely didn't) hadgone through, I'm sure I could just ask Henry. But I wasn't allowed to, since Jack warned me he was "curious", a phrase that always gets me laughing, so I was sitting in the hatch taking books out off the shelf that Locke had so neatly organized and read the first and last page of everyone. Surprisingly, most of them had similar plot lines. How boring must that be? _An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge, The Third Policeman, _among others, like _Pincher Martin,_ all ended exactly the same. All like that one movie, _Jacob's Ladder_, and a bunch of other movies and stories I've seen and read over the years had the same thing going for them. Why would someone purposely put all these here? I was pondering over this when Eko came in, looking for someone. He came upon Locke changing a light bulb.

"Howdy," Locke grinned, like he was the man for changing the stupid light bulb or something. Eko asked Locke if he was alone and asked if he could borrow a saw. And I had a weird déjà vu/ironic feeling going on, but I couldn't understand why. Something to do with Henry, I think. Or light bulbs. Locke gladly showed him to the saws, and I was curious as to where they were too. We have saws? Sweet. We passed the open Shawshank cell, and Eko gave it a curious glance before moving on. He couldn't possibly think that… Well, unless Charlie's been blabbering about, which I wouldn't put past him. I went back to camp to find Kate getting guns from Sawyer, because it's always nice to give the Others more guns.

"I need a gun. And you don't get to ask why," Kate said.

"Well, Thelma, seeing as I got all the guns, I do get to ask why."

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do-"

I could tell this would go on for a few minutes probably followed by a disgusting make out session, so I left to see a very bossy Claire handing Aaron to Sun. Why is Sun always left watching the kids? Even when she wasn't speaking English we insisted on giving her our offspring. People, please. Leave the woman alone.

"I don't think this is a good idea. Maybe you should listen to Jack," Sun said.

"What if Jack's wrong, okay?" Does that "okay" even fit in that sentence? At least she's not saying "sodding" every five seconds. "Jack said the fever would break and it hasn't. He's getting worse."

"Just because it hasn't broken yet..."

"Well, how long am I supposed to wait, Sun?" Claire barked.

"A mother should not leave her child," Sun said.

"I'm sorry, are you a mother?" Claire barked defensively.

"No, I'm not." This is just a guess, but FORESHADOWING. "Claire, are you sure you want to do this?"

"What did you say?"

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Then Claire got the distant look in her eye and didn't respond to Sun's and my yells for five minutes. She finally came back to earth when Kate arrived, said her goodbyes to Sun and Aaron and left, still a little shaky. We walked in the jungle for a while, and I had come up with a little game whenever CFL was mentioned.

"You're sure this is her trail?" Claire asked.

"We started at the exact spot where we chased her off the beach," Kate said.

"So, what do you know about Rousseau?" Claire asked. When she said "Rousseau" I made a loud horse whinny noise, wondering if anyone would get the reference. Kate rolled her eyes.

"Not much."

"You spent all that time with her when you went out to the Black Rock. You must have talked about something."

"Just about her ship crashing here -- her and her research team getting stranded."

"What happened to them?"

"They died."

"How?"

Kate looked uncomfortable and looked for something to distract Claire. "Tracks are gone -- trail ends here."

"Kate, how did they die?"

"She killed them."

"What? Why, why would..."

All of a sudden, CFL showed up and there was a loud whinny, but I didn't do anything. There was also a flash of lightning and a clap of thunder. Yeah, that was odd. "Because they were infected. You believe me now, don't you?"

"I want you to take me back there," Claire ordered. Danielle gave her a perplexed look and Claire blathered on about remembering a room, some girl, blah blah… To shut her up, Danielle said the location wasn't far from there. It definitely wasn't, since we had just walked for about two minutes, went around a few bushes and groves and… ta da! We were there. Easiest quest I've been on yet. Unfortunately, I was mistaken.

"Why are we stopping here?" Claire asked. Is NOTHING on this island easy? Do we all have to lose a friggin limb to get anything?

"This is where you scratched me."

"But there's nothing here," Claire said.

"Where do we go next?" CFL asked.

"Why are you asking me that? You need to tell me where to go."

They argued, guns were drawn, zombie Claire walked off and found the hatch. That's all it in a nutshell, really. We walked inside the obviously deserted hatch and started to explore. Well, everyone else did. I stayed in the hallway with the flickering fluorescent lights and spotted a Jiffy peanut butter jar on the ground. It wasn't on its side or anything, just propped up, as if leaning against the shiny wall and saying, "Yeah, I'm peanut butter, What about it, bitch?" …Because in my mind, all Jiffy jar's have got very foul mouths. I just hoped there wouldn't be a guy in the examination room with an ice pick in his eye. ...Right. Kate, Claire, and CFL went in the examination room and I explored the other rooms. I found a rope tied to a basket. I, of course, took it. You never know when you'll need a rope tied to a basket. When I came back Claire had finally come to the conclusion that CFL had NOT taken her, but had helped her escape. So we started coming back to camp, everyone pretty much empty handed. Well, I had my basket and Claire had a little purple bootie. Danielle was disappointed though. As we walked, Claire asked if Danielle's baby was a girl. Danielle confirmed that she was.

"What was her name?" Claire asked.

"Alex, Alexandra," CFL said.

"I remember a girl -- a girl with blue eyes. She helped me. She saved me, just like you did. She wasn't like the others. She was good," Claire said.

CFL gave a very small trace of emotion, but got a hold of herself. Then she said, "I'm sorry that you didn't find what you were looking for. I hope you're baby's not infected. But if it is, I hope you know what must be done." Then she left. Nice way to ruin the moment, Danielle. I suddenly got an idea. I went back to the hatch and went to the food pantry, where there was that open vent. I grabbed a bottle of something and went up with my rope basket. After crawlin' for a bruisin' for a while, I finally came to the open vent with the stupid plank across it. Yeah, tight security, guys. I shoved the basket with the item in it through the space (which was pretty big, actually) and lowered it down with the rope. I cleared my throat and put on my best sadistic deep voice.

"It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told," I said.

"Hey, you're that girl, right? Timmy or something?" Henry said, putting the book he was dully flipping through down. Well, so much for incognito. "What are you doing?"

"It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!"

"The lotion? This is pancake syrup."

"It's waffle syrup! Put it on your skin!"

"What're you…"

We heard voices outside.

"It puts the lotion in the basket," I said, even though Henry didn't touch it, and started bringing it up. It had just slipped back into the vent when Eko came in. I started to crawl back to the pantry but got a little lost. And a little stuck. I heard Eko talking to Henry, and by the time I had gotten around on the right track to the pantry Locke had just come in. They were still talking about that Dostoyevsky guy.

"Are you the genius, or are you the guy who always feels like he's living in the shadow of a genius?" Henry asked Locke.

"I was never very much into literary analysis," Locke said. Really, John? Who the hell are you kidding?

"I just don't understand why you let the doctor call the shots."

I could tell in his voice that Locke was a little moved by this comment. "No one calls the shots. Jack and I make decisions together."

"Right, okay. My mistake."

And when I fell out of the vent and landed on the syrup on the pantry floor, I knew immediately what Henry was up to. I mean, it's obvious what he's trying to do. He's trying to get into Locke's head, trying to make him go against Jack so that he'll be freed. Of course, we all know eventually he'll be freed or escape from both those idiots, but at least it's giving him something to do. But Locke's a rock, no one can penetrate that mind of his. I went out to the kitchen, and Locke, not noticing I was there, swiped all the dishes off the counter and they smashed on the ground. Locke looked up and saw me.

"This doesn't leave the hatch," he whispered. He sighed and whipped his head on a rag. "Now, clean this mess up."

Touché, Henry Gale. Touché.

A/N: It occurred to me that no sane person would ever be able to get all of the references I include in all my stories. I mean, I'm a pop culture junkie. Only those sick of mind would be able to get all of them. If anyone is able to get the peanut butter-ice pick in the eye thing, I will give you a virtual cookie and praise your being! But not in a "I thought Tim Robbins was cute wearing those glasses in Jacob's Ladder but that doesn't mean I like him all the time, I mean, the man's married and has kids and just because I have a thing for tall men I'll never be able to get doesn't mean I'm a sick person for liking the movie Jacob's Ladder!" You see? I don't even know what the hell I'm saying anymore!


	17. The Whole Truth

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**This week was a Sun episode, meaning subtitles galore. I heart subtitles! GO, SUBTITLES!

the LOST diaries: PT 16

DAY FIFTY-EIGHT:  
1: 23 p.m. –LOST

This morning Sun was working on her garden, Jin came along, and they argued. Well, at least I assume they argued. Sun didn't look very happy, especially when Jin ripped all her plants out of the ground. People have got to stop DOING that. Sun works really hard for really no reason, is always willing to help others, and people still insist on ripping out the plants in her garden she works so hard on. You know, she's growing that stuff for us. Ungrateful pricks. Anyhoo, I went back to the beach where I saw Ana Lucia running along the shore like a crazy person, her arms flailing and dirt being kicked up so fast it looked like she was running on a cloud of sand. I saw Locke eating a banana by her camp, and, insulted that I didn't have one, went to bug him. Fortunately he had an extra one, and we watched as Ana came closer and closer. I threw my banana peel on the ground, but unfortunately she passed it right up.

"You were running like the devil's chasing you," Locke said. It certainly looked like it. Ana said that perhaps he was, but I don't think Ana would run away from the devil. She strikes me as the type that could have an extensive conversation with the devil. Or dropkick him in the face. Yeah, it's either one or the other.

"Good for you, keeping in shape," Locke observed. THAT'S keeping in shape? She was running around like a jazz darlick.

"What do you want, Locke?" Ana snapped. Locke tried to play dumb, but Ana wasn't buying it. "I've been here over a week -- you've never said two words to me. And now you're sitting outside my tent?

"We've got a man locked up down in the hatch. There's a possibility he's one of them -- the Others." …Well, so much for mysterious, Locke. Ana asked some questions, Locke answered them. Behind Ana, Steve walked over the banana peel and fell right on his back.

"Does Jack know you're coming to me with this?" Ana asked.

"We've got a serious problem, Ana-Lucia -- all of us. I'm taking the necessary steps to solve it. I don't need Jack's permission to talk with you because right now there's a man sitting in a room in my hatch and I want him out," Locke said in a very intimidating way as he placed his banana peel on a nearby stump. He showed Ana to the hatch and put her in Shawshank with Henry. Then he went to shave while Jack was still in the shower. He said it "opened his pores". Right. I was sitting on the ground working on a crossword puzzle and realized I suck at crossword puzzles. Jack came out of the shower and was a little annoyed that we were there, but otherwise not very much upset. He didn't even have a towel on.

"You couldn't wait 'til I was done in here?" he said.

"BIG!" I exclaimed, writing the answer down. Jack and Locke looked at me. "'1988 film with giant piano'?" Jack hastily reached for a towel. Locke said it'd be a good time to discuss their problem.

"Our problem?" Jack asked.

"Our Henry problem. We've had him locked up for 3 days now, and I can't help but get the sense that he's just not motivated to cooperate with us."

"And how are we going to motivate him?"

"I don't think there's anything we can do. I think we need to bring in some new blood."

"Obviously, you have someone in mind."

"What do you think about Ana-Lucia?"

"Why her?"

"She's the one you went to to start an army to fight these people," CHECK AND MATE, BITCH! "-- why not her? Unless you're worried about what she'll do to him."

Locke failed to mention that he had already told Ana Lucia everything and Jack was a little cheesed that she was already in there talking to Henry. As much as I looked forward to Jack and Locke bitching at each other and Ana possibly killing Henry with that Dostoyevsky book, I went back to camp, where I found Sawyer reading a very…odd book.

" 'Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret'?" I said, looking at the book cover he so shamelessly flaunted. I remember reading that at an embarrassing young age. So young I had to ask my brother what a period was. I remember his reaction distinctly to this day. He just had this baffled look on his face and kept saying "Well… You see… I don't…" until I eventually lost interest.

"I'm sure I can find 'Go Ask Alice' somewhere, since they never increase their bust in that one, Sawyer," I sniggered. Sun came by, acting all casual in a not very convincing sort of way. Fortunately Sawyer was too engrossed in his book to notice. She asked how Sawyer's book was, and he sighed, complaining that there wasn't nearly enough sex. Sun nodded politely as if to say, "Yeah, I know what you mean." But that wasn't the case, since Sun, after a tormenting struggle with Sawyer asking if she could go through his medical supplies, finally choked that she needed to get a pregnancy test. So he gave her one with no questions (like you need to ask questions), but of course immediately found Kate afterward and told her.

6: 42 p.m. –LOST

Sayid and Charlie were on the beach busy making what looked like… a stage? Good Gandalf, I cringe at the thought of karaoke night on the LOST beach. Ana walked over to them and asked Sayid if they could talk. Alone. For some reason, Sayid said, "Whatever you need to say you can say it here." Who is he kidding?

"It's about the hatch," Ana said through clenched teeth.

"You mean the guy locked in the closet there?" Charlie said, trying to act all cool by jumping down but lost his footing on a banana that SOMEONE had left on their stage. He gathered his bearings and huffed, "What about him?"

Ana gave him a disgusted look and handed a piece of paper to Sayid. It was the title page from the Dostoyevsky book with a crude drawing on the back. On the bottom was written "HERE" and from there a squiggly line snaked past a few drawings of trees and mountains and ended with a little forest with a little circle with a smiley face on it, titled "BALLOON IN SMALL CLEARING". Ana explained it was a map Henry drew to the balloon. The manclearlylearned his map drawing skills from Tolkien.

"How did you get him to do this?" Sayid asked.

"I asked nicely," Ana scoffed.

Sayid stared at her in disbelief for a few seconds before saying, "Do Jack and Locke know about this?"

"Jack and Locke are a little too busy worrying about Locke and Jack." We all did our own little smirks to this comment and she continued, "All I want to know is if this guy's telling the truth."

"Why come to me?" Sayid asked.

"Judging from what you did to his face that's what you want, too."

"This is at least a day's walk."

"Then we should get going."

And fifteen minutes later, we were walking in the jungle. Yep. Charlie, Sayid, and Ana Lucia. A.K.A The Tripocalypse from Hell. This balloon won't know what's coming. Charlie kept staggering around and we came up to a cliff. Sayid said that it was on the map, but that it didn't mean Henry was leading us to the balloon.

"Maybe not, but at least we're on the right island," Ana said. Sayid walked off. Charlie finally caught up with us.

"Humor's not his strong suit," he explained to Ana. She gave him that look again. "And I'm saying this to you," Charlie said, a little baffled. …Was that supposed to be funny? Humor isn't your strong suit either, Chuck. Quit while you're ahead and keep doing… whatever it is you might be good at. We continued walking and, for once, Charlie was a little ahead of us. He turned around and saw Ana staring at him.

"You looking at my bum?" he asked. She was probably trying not to crack up at that ridiculous walk he's got going, but I couldn't help myself.

"No, I'm looking at your gun," Ana said. Insert penis joke here, please.

"My what?"

"Maybe you should give the gun to somebody who knows how to use it," Ana said, staring at the gun hungrily.

"Maybe I will," Charlie said, obviously pleased at the opportunity to be a dick (once again). "As I recall, the last time you had a gun you murdered someone." Uh… So did you?

"That's enough," Sayid said. Charlie took the gun out of his pants and held it in front of Ana, but instead gave it to Sayid, sporting his best baby pout as he did so. Here, Ana Lucia would've had my whole permission to punch Charlie in his dumb British face. At least she had the look that said that she wished her acid spit could go as far as where Charlie was standing. …If she had acid spit. "We'll go as far as the base of the cliff and we'll camp there," Sayid said.

I went to the outskirts of camp, where I found Kate and Sun waiting for the results for the pregnancy test. Uh, maybe it's just me, but I'm not very keen on touching or even looking at other people's pregnancy tests, but I understood why Sun needed someone to be with her.

"I'm sorry -- I'm just..."

"I know. Where did Sawyer find one of these anyway? I mean, who flies with a pregnancy test, right?" Kate asked jokingly. Flight attendants?

"Have you ever taken one?" Sun asked. Kate took her sweet time before saying that she did.

"Thank you for waiting with me and not asking why you're here and not Jin," Sun said.

"You're welcome. It's time."

Sun looked at the test and saw two pink lines. I'm glad she didn't have one that actually had the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant' on it. I took one of those once and it said I was "not gnant".

"You're pregnant," Kate said happily. Her smile fell immediately when she saw the look on Sun's face. Since I'm ordinarily negative, I immediately think of all the not good things about this.

"Is it 100 percent sure?" Sun asked.

"There's only one way to find out," Kate said. So they went to Jack and he said the test was accurate. This whole time Sun is fighting her inner demons on whether she should tell Jin, and I guess I'm the only one that's thinking that this whole being pregnant/having babies on island is not good. Go ask Claire how much fun she's having. Not only that, but this is Sun. The woman who will help anyone, no questions asked, and who will go out of her way to assist someone. Now, this woman is pregnant. And people will STILL ask for her to baby sit someone and ruin her garden.

DAY FIFTY-NINE:  
12: 08 p.m. –LOST

Slept in the nice comfort of the hatch and popped over to Sayid's camp in the early hours of the morning, where Charlie had some nice papayas waiting for me. Never said this job didn't have its perks. Sayid and Ana walked a ways ahead of Charlie and I as we ate our papayas and soon we came across a large clearing, which was what I assumed was "BALLOON IN SMALL CLEARING" land. But there was no little circle with a smiley face on it nor a squiggly line leading to it. I felt betrayed.

"This balloon would be rather large, right?" Charlie said, scoping the area.

"Why am I not surprised?" Sayid said.

"We need to look some more," Ana said.

"This is where he said it would be."

"If I'm going to back your play on this, Sayid, we need to be sure," Ana said, and by "play" I think she meant "beat Henry to death with a chair".

"I'll divide the area into 3 grids, so search as thoroughly as you please," Sayid said sadistically. Since when did Sayid and Ana switch roles? It's so annoying. I went back to the hatch, where Jack was checking up on Henry in Shawshank. He was reading.

"How is it?" Jack asked.

Henry recited from the book: "Men reject their prophets and slay them, but they love their martyrs and honor those whom they have slain." He asked, "So what's the difference between a martyr and a prophet?"

"Either way, it sounds like you end up dead," Jack said.

"That's the spirit," Henry said, and I chuckled because it sounded like something I would've said. So out of place but so well said. Apparently Henry preferred the straight answers rather than the intellectual mumbo jumbo Locke's always ranting and raving about.

"In the mood for some breakfast?" Jack asked.

Locke was in the kitchen eating some DHARMA-O's when Henry came out, in awe and staring at everything around him.

"What's the computer for?" Henry asked.

"Nothing," Jack answered quickly. Porn, Henry, what else?

"Cereal? Wow, where'd you guys get cereal?" Henry said gleefully. Well, as gleefully as a guy who's smiley face balloon crashed on a deserted island and whose wife died and then after days alone on the island was captured by a crazy French woman who shot you in the back with an arrow and who's torturer buddy dragged you to some closet, beat you bloody, and then left you there for three horrible days with a Dostoyevsky book and the Odd Couple. So you can imagine how happy he was to see those DHARMA-O's.

"It was down here all along. The pantry's full of food," Locke said.

"How old is it?" Henry asked. Yet he still complains. "You guys don't know much, huh? I mean, I'd be asking all kinds of questions about all this stuff down here. You guys don't even seem that curious." And WHO would we ask, Gale? Yeah. Don't question our shit.

"Do you want the cereal or don't you?" Jack snapped.

"This must be my reward for good behavior, huh? I guess I earned myself some good will for finally drawing that map for Ana."

"What map?" Locke asked.

"To my balloon."

"Did you..." Jack began to ask Locke, but Locke cut him off with a genuinely surprised "no".

Henry nibbled on the DHARMA-O's and said, "Wow, you guys have some real trust issues, don't you? Guess it makes sense she didn't tell you. I mean, with the two of you fighting all the time. Of course, if I was one of them -- these people that you seem to think are your enemies -- what would I do? Well, there'd be no balloon, so I'd draw a map to a real secluded place like a cave or some underbrush -- good place for a trap -- an ambush. And when your friends got there a bunch of my people would be waiting for them. Then they'd use them to trade for me. I guess it's a good thing I'm not one of them, huh? You guys got any milk?"

And that's why I don't think this guy's an Other, because if he was an Other, he wouldn't be telling us this. And if he was an Other, those Other friends of his would not be by the balloon place, because by this attitude he's sporting, I doubt the Others would've liked this guy very much. They probably kicked him out. The Others are likeable, secretive people. This guy is the biggest prick I've seen. Locke and Jack exchanged looks. But really, if the Others were planning an ambush on Sayid, Charlie, and Ana Lucia, what have we lost? A gun, that's what.

-Tibby T

A/N: Uh…. Yeah, that was the Lost Diary. …How's your mum?


	18. Lockdown

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Well, let's face it, this week's ep was crap, but how boot that ending, huh? I don't believe for a second that next week's ep is going to start out on as much of a suspenseful level as this one left off, in fact I'm betting two papayas we're going to see a close-up of Hurley's eye and never really get back to this until after the whole Alias thing. I just laughed at the little classic tricks the LOST writers used in this ep. Like Locke getting "locked" in the hatch (the children like our little puns) and having that metal thing in his leg, and going back to Jack- "Yeah, I'm sure Locke will be fine. I'm just going to spend the rest of the day playing cards with Sawyer." Cut back to Locke, screaming in pain. Cut back to Jack, winning his stupid card game. Yes, I laugh at the whole ironic package rather than the retardulous jokes the writers are trying to throw in. Oh, and Katey Sagal rules.

the LOST diaries: PT 17

DAY FIFTY-NINE:  
2: 15 p.m. –LOST

So Henry was acting the fool again and went on this whole speech about what he would do to Ana Lucia, Sayid, and Charlie if he was an Other, right? If he didn't think Jack and Locke weren't going to kick his arse no matter what he was, well, he's just an idiot. What's up with this guy? We capture him, we beat him, we keep him in a cell and give him DHARMA-O's and THIS is how he repays us? Old Crazy Eyes Jack slid a paper over to Henry and demanded he draw a map to the balloon. Yes, so we can admire his wonderful map making skills again.

"I was joking. I was making a joke. There's nothing out there besides my balloon. I was just frustrated. It was a stupid thing to say. I'm sorry," Henry said. Joking, ay? Well, WE'RE NOT LAUGHING, MAN. Locke sighed and said it was too late anyway, and Jack was crestfallen. He then ordered that Locke put him back in the armory, even though he took Henry out in the first place, but Locke was only too happy to oblige. Or too angry. He scares me when he's angry. Never meddle in the affairs of dragons and Locke. Left the hatch, because it looked like Locke was ready to smash something, and went off to see if the Tripocalypse had found the balloon yet. It was raining (not good!), and Ana Lucia and Sayid were arguing when Charlie yelled that he had found something, and it turned out to be a grave. Well, if you consider a big rock pile a grave. It had a cross sticking out of it, which everyone knows is a crude marking for a grave. We were all staring at the grave when Ana noted that it wasn't raining there, even though five feet away from us it was pouring. We looked up and sure enough, a giant smiley face was looking down on us. Yeah, that's still terrifying.

8: 16 p.m. –LOST

I went back to the hatch and found Locke peddling on his little exercise music and listening to some crazy cool jazz music. Freestyle scat time! All of a sudden we heard this weird static and heard a woman's voice. Locke stopped peddling and shut off the music and looked at the computer, but everything seemed to be fine. Locke approached the loudspeaker that I had never noticed but was in a very obvious spot and attempted to fix it. This only caused the noise to grow louder, and now Henry was yelling questions from Shawshank.

"What was that? John, what's the matter?" he yelled through the door.

I was staring at the loudspeaker as the woman's voice said in broken bits, "Please proceed... protocol... please proceed..."

"John? Hey, you out there? What's that noise? John? What's going on? Talk to me," Henry called.

Locke had a weird spasm and his eye twitched and he yelled in this weird voice, "Will you be quiet!"

"Tell me what's happening, what the hell is..."

"Will you shut up!"

"9, 8, 7, 6, 5..." the woman counted.

"Maybe you should get Jack?"

"I said, shut up!"

"4, 3, 2, 1."

"That's not good," I muttered, and heard the thud of metal doors closing behind me. I turned around and saw this metal door coming down and saw Locke running with a crow bar. He slid on the ground and managed to slide part of the bar under the door. I stared at the DHARMA logo on the door. There I was, alone with just a psycho computer, and Locke and Henry were stuck on the other side with no way out. But hey, I had the exit. I left Locke, slightly convinced that he would eventually find a way out, and headed over to the beach.

"No, I don't know how to play Crack House," I said, looking at the card table Sawyer, Kate, and Hurley were surrounding. "I don't really know anything involving cards. In fact, the last game I played with cards involved a Potty Scotty and an Evil Eddie."

"Well, shoot, Guillotina, I've got plenty of time to teach you," Sawyer said. "Why don't you try one game?"

"I'll pass," I said, grabbing a papaya from the huge pile next to him.

"I bet 4 papayas," Hurley said.

"You can't bet; I just bet. You can either call or raise or lay 'em down, Muttonchops," Sawyer snapped.

"Yeah, like I'm going to want lessons from you, Teach," I snorted. Kate laughed. Hurley looked at her uncertainly.

"Don't look at me," she shrugged.

Jack showed up and instructed, "Lay 'em down, Hurley. He's got you beat."

"Dude, I got a killer hand here," Hurley said.

"No, you don't," all of us said at the same time.

"But you don't even know-"

"You've gota baby straight. He's got the flush," Jack said. Who does this guy think he is, me?

"What about me?" Kate asked earnestly. "What do I got?"

"Hard to say, but you're just playing for the fun of it."

"Well, fun's not bad. You should try it sometime."

Jack completely ignored her and left, saying, "Don't call him, Hurley."

"Hey, Amarillo Slim -- you think because you watch poker on TV you can tussle with the big boys?" Sawyer called after him. Jack said something about having to go back to the hatch. I remembered about the "Locke" down and nodded earnestly.

"Hatch ain't going nowhere, Doc. How about you put your mangos where your mouth is?" OOH, CHALLENGE!

"I guess I could play a hand or two," Jack said. Uh oh, Jack had made up his mind. He couldn't back out now. And I'm sure the whole metal door imprisonment thing was just a phase the hatch was going through. …Yeah. I knew I had to go back to the hatch, so I found myself staring at the DHARMA logo. Then I heard Locke's voice, and realized I could actually get some entertainment out of this. Sadly, there was no microwave or popcorn to help me enjoy it. I pounded my fist on the wall, a pretty dumb idea, but something strange happened. My hand went right through the wall. I did it again to make sure I wasn't seeing things or anything. I wasn't. I could actually go through this wall. Sure, for some weird reason there was a noise that sounded a lot like water dripping every time I attempted it, but still, this was awesome! I ran headfirst as fast as I could run, which was an incredibly stupid idea, since I ran right into a toolbox and toppled over it.

"You made it," Locke said. He glanced me up and down and frowned. He raised his voice and called, "We're locked in."

"What?" Henry called.

"These blast doors came down. The whole living area is sealed off. I can't get out," Locke said.

"Did you try to pry…" Henry said, but maybe he didn't hear when Locke said "blast doors". That means huge steel doors, Henry. This isn't Lumber Jack we're talking about here, it's Lex Locke. I scowled. I knew what he was up to.

"Yeah, but I couldn't," Locke said. "Maybe… Maybe if the two of us…"

"You want me to help you?" Henry asked incredulously. Yeah, this was awkward, but if you really thought about it, Locke would eventually run out of food and who would take care of dear old Henry?

"Yeah."

"And if I do help you get these doors up then you're just going to lock me back in here, aren't you?"

"That's right," Locke said. Well, at least this Henry guy catches on quickly.

"Then I'm going to need your word, John. I'm going to need your word that you won't let your people do anything to me." I don't know how this isn't a red flag…

"Well, if you're who you say you are then what are you worried about?"

"Things have happened to them -- things that I have nothing to do with. But they've got no one to blame except for me. So I'm going to need your word that you'll protect me, no matter what."

I didn't like this at all. Locke let Henry out of Shawshank and asked him who he was. I don't know why he asked, maybe Locke's old noggin is starting to slip. Well, not STARTING… Henry introduced himself again and Locke nodded, saying, "Alright, you have my word." Yeah, let's DO this. I figured that now that Locke had a partner, I could swing by the poker tournament and see how Jack was doing/maybe convince him to come back to hatch. By the time I got there Hurley and Kate had folded, and now Jack and Sawyer were trying to do Jedi mind tricks on each other.

"Think you're in my head, Doc?" Sawyer asked. They went on and on with their poker terms and mind tricks. Jack was winning and Sawyer was pissed.

"Sawyer, you're busted. I got it all. It wouldn't really be fair for you to go pick more mangos," he said, grinning, his eyes back to their normal squinty selves.

"Oh, I've got a hell of lot more than mangos," Sawyer snapped. Note, they're not talking fruit anymore. "You want to play real stakes, name 'em."

"It's a pile of fruit, man," Jack laughed. Jack had Sawyer's mangos clenched in an iron fist.

"And I want it back."

Kate, who had been watching this conversation with much interest, piped up, "Should I go and get a ruler?" To this, Hurley and I both did exaggerated sighs, rolling of the eyes, flaying around in annoyance. Gandalf, will the three of them just. Shut. Up.

"Fun time's over, Mongo. Why don't you go hit the buffet?" Sawyer said to Hurley, and for a second I thought he was going to take Kate's challenge on, and that he didn't want anyone watching when Jack's banana would probably outdo his. …And, ladies and gentlemen, I think I've just sunk to a new low. Hurley protested that he wanted to say, but Kate said some funny joke, I didn't quite catch it because everything she says is stupid, and they got up to leave. I thought it would be funny to commentate but I realized I had no idea what was going on, so I sat there with the Judy Blume book in front of me but really peeking to see if I could catch on exactly how to play this game. I got nothing.

Sawyer was shuffling the cards and asked casually, "So, where'd you learn to play cards, Doc?"

"Phuket," Jack replied.

"What the hell were you doing in Thailand?" Sawyer asked. Jack didn't answer. What the hell was he talking about? No, Phuket Medical University, South Dakota, dude. "What, you don't think I know where Phuket is? Just because I dropped out in 9th grade don't make me an idiot. Far East, huh? I wouldn't have taken you for a world traveler. That where you got the art on your shoulder?"

"How about you deal again?" Jack asked.

"What?"

"This time from the top of the deck."

"I had to try," Sawyer smirked. …I am NEVER going to be a good card player. Or a card player at all, really. Hmm…What game am I good at? Tetris? Yes, I'm going to make a giant Tetris game on the beach. No, I'm good at Clue! Yes…If only we had a Clue game in the hatch… Or we could just kill somebody. With someone already in mind, I went to the hatch to check up on Locke and Henry. Turns out that in the short time I was gone, SOMEONE tried prying the door open with a crowbar, somehow managed to open it with the help of Mr. Gale, tried holding the door open with a toolbox I could've bent in half, and figured there was enough space for him to slide under. When the toolbox couldn't support the weight anymore (big surprise there), one of the metal pegs on the bottom pinned Locke right in the leg. Well, it isn't a complete loss. I can now call him "Peg Leg" Locke. Anyhoo, when I showed up Locke was explaining the alarm to Henry, and that he was supposed to climb through the vent to get to the computer room (or as I call it, the Hive). Why Locke didn't try this himself before is beyond me, but hey, who am I to judge? I am the Clue Ma5t3r!

"Maybe we should wait," Henry said.

"We can't wait; it's going to go off any minute. I trusted you, Henry, now you've got to trust me. That button has to be pushed," Locke said.

"Okay, what do I do?" Henry said.

"Once you're inside, you'll hear the alarm beeping, and you just have to enter the numbers: 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42, and then you press execute. It has to be exactly those numbers in exactly that order. Now do you..."

"4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. I got it," Henry said, walking off to the pantry.

"Can you reach it?" Locke asked. I snorted. NO.

"I think so," Henry said. He had to climb the shelves on the wall to get up there. …Don't we have a foot ladder or something we could give this guy? I started looking for something as Locke warned to be careful. Right on cue, Henry fell off one of the shelves and was knocked out. I don't know if he hit his head on something, it didn't look like it, but I figured this guy was just a weak pansy. The timer started to beep and Locke was yelling at Henry to wake up and I was kicking him and yelling insults. Nothing seemed to work.

"Henry, get up, damn it. Henry!" Locke yelled. Henry woke up, and Locke asked if he was okay.

"What happened?" Gale asked, and I took this opportunity to slap him across the face and yell, "Listen to the man!"

"Listen to me, you have to get up into the vents and enter the numbers into the computer."

"How long was I-" Henry began, but when he saw me raise my hand again he flinched horribly and stood up.

"Please, you have to go right now; we're running out of time," Locke pleaded. I pulled a chair up and helped the weakling get in the vent. He disappeared, and the one-minute alarm started beep, along with the orchestra plucking dramatically at their violins. Locke kept calling for Henry but got no response. We heard a weird sound and all of a sudden the lights went out and were replaced with nifty black lights. What was even niftier was that this weird map of all the hatches showed up on the door, all connected to form an octagon with a big question mark in the middle. There was also a bunch of scribbled notes all over the door. Actually, the whole thing resembled something I would've drawn in any of my notebooks in school, only more colorful and less satanic looking. Yep, all it needed was a note that said: JUDAS PRIEST RAWKS! or CHRISTIAN B-N-ME 4EVA! (Was it Christian Bale in grade school I had a crush on? Who knows, back then I went through crushes like cigarette cartons)The lights shut off and the doors went up, causing Locke much pain as the peg was ripped from his leg. He crawled into the Hive and called for Henry. I offered to help his stand up but he insisted on waiting for Henry to show up and help him stagger over to the couch. I left them to their little moment and went out in the jungle, where as I headed to the beach I found Jack approaching with his torch and his poker face still on. Kate showed up and asked if she could take a shower, and judging by her hair, boy did she need one. Jack made up some excuse that the plumbing was busted, and the two of them made flirtatious small talk while I felt familiarly awkward, not that any of them acknowledged that I was there. The two of them were about to walk back to the beach when Kate noticed a light in the distance. The three of us walked toward it and found a parachute with crates of food attached to it. I immediately pondered as to how we didn't see this, I mean it was in a spot we've passed before and it had that stupid light that would've definitely caught our attention. Did this happen during the daytime, when everyone could've seen a parachute full of food drop out of the sky? Or did it happen during the night, when someone still would have noticed if a plane or something dropped a parachute with a big strobe light attached to it? I was still pondering when we heard rustling and the three of us got into our fighting poses, but it was just the Tripocalypse, and they were even more shocked to see the parachute there.

"What the bloody hell is that?" Charlie asked.

"You know, you ruin moments," I said.

"What'd you find?" Jack asked Sayid seriously. Sayid, Jack, Ana, and Kate had a frantic whispered conversations while Charlie and I split a box of DHARMA Animal Crackers. Rather, Polar Bear crackers. Who the hell only makes Polar Bear crackers? Anyhoo, then we all ran over to the hatch, and Crazy Eyes Jack looked like he would've kicked a door down if there was one there. If he was Chuck Norris, I bet he could've made a door to kick.

"Get away from him," Jack snapped.

"Wait, you don't..." Henry said, but shut up immediately when Sayid pulled out his gun and ordered him to step back. Locke tried to explain that everything was alright but Jack grabbed Henry and flung him against the wall. Locke blathered an explanation and Henry asked, "Couldn't you find my balloon?"

Ana shuffled her feet awkwardly and said, "Yeah we found it."

Then Sayid, with the grace and pronunciation of a magician, explained, "We did find your balloon, Henry Gale, exactly how you described it. We also found the grave you described -- your wife's grave. The grave you said you dug with your own bare hands. It was all there. Your whole story -- your alibi -- it was true. But still I did not believe it to be true. So I dug up that grave and found that there was not a woman inside. There was a man." He pulled out a driver's license of some geeky black guy giving a thumbs up. "A man named Henry Gale."

Wait… If Henry really isn't who he says he is and the guy in the grave was Henry…than who was the idiot that crashed on this island in a giant smiley face balloon?

A/N: Sorry this is so late. And I actually have an excuse. My cat had kitties! I've been too distracted by their furry cuteness! She had four hobbit kitties, so does anyone have any ideas as for names?


	19. Dave

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Ah, had a mini brain aneurism while watching this week's episode of LOST. Is it all a dream? It is not a dream? Have they all died and are going through some Jacob's Ladder kind of thing? What was Hurley REALLY doing to Sawyer under the tent? Who the hell knows? Who the hell cares? I've concluded that they're in the Matrix, because that's the only theory that will keep me sane. I try not to question things past a certain extent, because the last time I did that- Well, I found myself writing a parody fanfic for LOST called the LOST Diaries. Never been the same ever since.

the LOST diaries: PT 18

DAY SIXTY:  
11:42 a.m. –LOST

Have you ever seen something that caught you so off guard that you had to look twice for it to fully sink in? That happened this morning when I saw Libby and Hurley jogging down the beach. The last two people one would expect to go out jogging on the sandy shores, not because of their appearance or anything, but you would just think the reality would hit them easier than everyone else. I mean, why would anyone go out and exercise on this island at all? When are we NOT running from something, or walking for hours for no apparent reason at all? Why would you add on to that? I mean, I haven't gone out and purposely exercised…well, ever, and now that I'm on this island eating a couple of graham crackers a day and trekking for miles and miles, any more exercise could kill me. But I saw Hurley jogging and couldn't help myself as I followed and sang "Eye of the Tiger". Well, sang between wheezes. Libby was very happy with her workout, and let's just say Hurley and I weren't as thrilled.

"Isn't this nice?" Libby asked as she slowed down.

"I kind of prefer breathing," Hurley replied. Libby laughed and said some crap about exercise being addictive, and Hurley said he could see why. Who couldn't? Hurley stopped to take a break and Libby took a sip from her water bottle. _Why did Libby get a water bottle? _I thought as I had mini-convulsions on the ground. Hurley mentioned that he needed to drop a few pounds.

"Hurley, don't be so hard on yourself," Libby said. "It's not going to happen over night. Some people's metabolisms are just a little slower."

"It's not my metabolism. I'm sick." Libby asked what was wrong, but Hurley just muttered never mind and started to leave. It was as if he was taunting her to interrogate more.

"Hurley, you can trust me," Libby said.

"Okay, but it's bad," Hurley replied.

2: 04 p.m. –LOST

"You son of a bitch," I said disbelievingly. Hurley looked ashamed. Libby rolled her eyes.

"Why did we even bring you?" she asked as I took a peanut butter from this food stash Hurley had in the jungle. It was kind of ironic that here we've been, hanging around with a heroin addict for over two months, but if anyone found out Hurley was a food addict they'd gang up and stone him to death.

"Because she'll tell the truth," Hurley muttered. "And the truth hurts."

For the next few minutes all I could keep saying was "You son of a bitch" as I pulled more and more delicious items out of this very neat little storage space that somehow miraculously hadn't been attacked by a wild animal.

"When we first crashed here, I was like, this isn't all bad -- it's, like, the all mango diet. I wasn't turning any heads or nothing but I did drop a couple belt sizes. Then we found this hatch and it was full of food -- tons of food. I tried giving it all away, but I guess I kind of kept some of it for myself. I wish I could just get rid of it," Hurley said.

"Then get rid of it," Libby said, grabbing the jar of ranch dressing. "You want to change? Change."

And so, this is so painful to recall, Hurley destroyed all of the food that was in his stash, either by smashing jars on rocks or opening bags of food and dumping it all over the place. I watched with gritted teeth, thinking that when we all starved to death, we'll know who to blame, won't we? Mr. "Blowing Up The Hatch Is The Only Way"! What's wrong with these people? And of course, on this island at least, fate's got its way of biting people in the arse, since less than five minutes after the food massacre Sun and Jin run by, talking about that parachute with all the food in it. We followed them and Hurley just got this priceless look on his face when he saw the food. Libby asked Charlie where the food came from. I mean, I know he was there when we discovered it, but still. Like he'd know.

"Locke said some kind of blast doors trapped him in the hatch. Maybe it was because of this -- so no one would see who dropped it." Ooh, nice thinking, Charlie! "Any of you guys see a plane last night?"

"Yeah, I saw it, Tattoo. I just decided not to tell," Sawyer snapped. A lot of people had come to the parachute, and Steve and some other guy were arguing.

"Hold on, take it easy. You guys are like locusts. How about a little order here?" Sawyer said.

"Shouldn't we let someone a little more trustworthy take care of this?" Charlie asked.

"Like you, babynapper?" Sawyer said. Please, Sawyer. That was SO four days ago, "sheriff". You know, Sawyer should keep his big mouth shut, because a certain person knows where all the guns are, and he'll be sure to tell a crazy doctor their whereabouts, and then Sawyer will say that this person was the one that tried to kidnap Sun (because certain person doesn't think ahead very well), and they'll both get their butts kicked. I can't wait.

Charlie was slightly fazed by this comment and continued, "No, like Hurley. Why not Hurley? He's done it before, he can do it again." This caused Hurley to snap and scream "No" over and over again. Fortunately, everyone was too distracted by the giant boxes of Mac-n-cheese to notice.

"Okay, hey, hey, how about no one's in charge, okay? I'm sure everyone can manage to just take what they need," Libby said, and this caused everyone to crack up. I mean, _honestly! _Who did she think we were? The cast of Gilligan's Island? Sawyer made some sarcastic remark and called her "Moonbeam" and she looked fit to bite his face off. I glanced at Hurley and saw that he was staring intently at something in the jungle. I followed his gaze and saw that he was staring at some guy. This guy was bald and wearing a smarmy smirk on his face, along with a bathrobe and slippers. So I can automatically assume that this guy's a nut job, because if Hollywood stereotypes have taught me anything, it's that people that walk around in bathrobes for no apparent reason are craaaaazy! Ugh, I HATE Hollywood. And worst of all he's bald, so you know this guy is like, Misery locking people in basement crazy. Hurley ran after him, and I kept my distance. I went back to the beach with Charlie and he came up with the idea of giving the stage he and Sayid were working on before to Eko. I didn't see why he had to do this, but Charlie likes to do things so he'll feel special.

He dragged it over to Eko's workshop and said, "Hey, I noticed you were building something. I thought maybe you could use this -- for whatever it is."

"That's very thoughtful of you, Charlie," Eko said, tossing the platform aside without a second glance. "Why don't you help me?" And of course, Charlie had to ruin the moment by going Henry Gale and asking constant questions, and he even went further with product placing Starbucks, but one cold stare from Eko shut him right up. They were working for a few minutes when Hurley ran out of the jungle, all out of breath. Charlie asked if he was alright.

"Did either of you see a guy run through here -- in a bathrobe, with a coconut?" Hurley asked. You mean a crazy guy with a coconut?

"No, I saw a polar bear on roller blades with a mango," Charlie "joked". ENOUGH WITH THE MANGOS AND THE DAMN POLAR BEARS! Why is my existence on this island so damn repetitive? What next, a roller rink with skates made of seashells?

"I did not see anything, Hurley," Eko said, his pecs twitching in the sun. Hurley tried his best to NOT act bathrobe crazyand muttered that he didn't see anything either. I followed him to the beach and saw that he was headed to Sawyer's, so naturally I tagged along. Sawyer was sitting in front of his tent with a packet of DHARMA INITIATIVE CHOCOLATE CREAM COOKIES. Or, as I say, Bullshit, those are Oreos. I guess his childhood must've sucked more than I thought, since he had no idea how to break apart the Oreos.

"You've got to twist it to get the frosting. Pulling it will only break the cookie," Hurley said knowingly.

"Well, that's what I get for not going to the expert in the first place. What can I do you for, Deepdish?" Sawyer said.

"I'm kind of looking for something."

"Forget it; I'm done trading. I got enough food now to open a chain of mini-marts. Hey, you think Sayid needs a job?"

I couldn't resist, that was a good one. Wrong, but good. "Cold, man," I giggled.

"Well, actually, I was sort of hoping you'd do me a favor. Remember when I helped you out with that tree frog -- that you killed?" Hurley asked.

"Yeah, I remember." Of course, Highlander Frog's legacy will live forever.

"I sort of -- need some medicine," Hurley said.

"What do you need?"

"It's called Clonazepam."

"Clonaza -- what? What the hell's that?"

"So you can calm down. Or, for when you're seeing things that aren't supposed to be there." I don't know if Hurley was trying to act casual or not, but it certainly didn't look like it.

"What stuff you seeing?"

"I don't know, maybe like a bald guy in a bathrobe." Well, that was oddly specific.

"You mean like that crazy guy over there?" Sawyer said and pointed over Hurley's shoulder. Hurley looked and, of course, no crazy person was there. Sawyer laughed, and I couldn't help but notice that something was weird about Hurley when he turned around. His eyes were green, and his hair was starting to turn green and… It dawned on me what was going to happen and I literally dove out of the way as Hurley tackled a totally unsuspecting Sawyer into his tent.

"HURLEY, SMASH!"

The tent fell on top of them and all you could see was the tent flap rustling and… Oh, Gandalf, it was horrible. It was intense. It was brilliant. I had the best seat, so I just sat there and ate the Oreos. Eventually, Sawyer's repetitive yells caught everyone else's attention and everyone came out and stood around and watched. At one point Sawyer managed to crawl away and got a weak hold of my knee before he was sucked back into the tent abyss by the Hurley monster. No one bothered to help Sawyer with the Hurley rape. I mean, this was too good to miss. The guy didn't know how to separate Oreos. He was ASKING for it. After a few minutes Jin got bored of watching and tried to separate them.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" Sawyer screamed. "You're crazy!"

"I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy," Hurley foamed at the mouth and ran off. Sawyer acted all achy and bruised and leaned against me.

"I feel so used," he gasped into my shoulder. I had to sit with him as he whined and complained that his ribs were broken, but the minute he saw Kate coming he puffed out his chest and stood up, acting all tough. He cringed something terrible and propped himself up against me. I left them to their lame flirty fit and walked in the jungle. It's so BORING here. I wish a Polar Bear on roller blades would just come over and maul me to death. I heard a rustling behind me and turned around, hoping something interesting was waiting for me, but saw Bean. Well, yeah, I guess she's interesting, but it wasn't what I hoped.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi," she said, walking over to me. "Hey, you haven't seen a bald guy wearing a bathrobe and a coconut around, have you?"

I stared at her for a second before responding, "As a matter of fact, I have."

She sighed. "Thank goodness, thought I'd lost him for good."

"Who is he?"

"No idea," she said. "All I know is that he came around last night and stole my bathrobe."

"Really? So he's not a nutcase?"

"I don't know, but he's definitely a dick, that's for sure." We walked a bit, and I told her about the Hurley-Hulk rape thing, and she stopped suddenly and stared into the distance.

"What?" I asked.

"There he is!" she whispered and I looked and, sure enough, the guy was sitting on a rock and acted like he was waiting for something. He didn't notice us, and Bean slowly started to creep toward him and I followed suit. Then we heard a loud rustling noise and we peered through the bushes and saw Hurley trudging through the jungle with a giant backpack. Suddenly the bag ripped and a peanut butter jar fell out. That's another repetitive thing. I hate peanut butter now. Granted, I was never a big fan of it in the first place, but now I just hate it.

"What is he doing?" Bean asked as we watched Hurley.

"He's… Yeah, he's eating the peanut butter off the rock with a leaf. Yeah, that's Hurley," I said.

"Ugh. Let it go, man," she said. Crazy man, or "Dave" as he's called in Hurley's flashbacks, approached.

"You're not here. You were in the hospital. You can't be here," Hurley said.

"Sorry, dude. I am here," Dave said. And then they just remained still for a while.

"What are they doing?" Bean asked.

"Oh, Hurley's having a flashback," I replied, smacking the side of my head so I wouldn't have to see it too.

"Does he always do that?"

"Everyone does," I said.

"Well that guy's got my robe," she said and slung the bag she had off her shoulders. She pulled out something.

"Is that a gun?" I asked, even though it obviously was.

"Yep," she said, taking a few valves of something I took as tranquilizers and loading them in.

"A tranquilizer gun?" She took more parts out of her bag and attached that to the gun. "Oh, you're not done yet… What are you doing, making a tranc missile?"

Hurley came back to reality and started talking to Dave. Bean continued working on the missile, and I tried to ignore Dave, but his voice kept coming in my head.

"Okay, look, I know you're freaking out right now, and I'm, I'm sorry. But it's going to get a little worse before it gets better," he said. Okay, I was intrigued. What'd he mean by "worse"? Was Hurley going to explode or something, and then a sphinx arise from his ashes? …I know I'm confusing that with something else…

"Worse?" Hurley asked.

"Yeah, kind of. You ready, dude? You remember that night you closed that window on me? You remember what you did after that night?"

"Yeah, I realized you were imaginary. And that was a breakthrough. And a little while later Brooks let me out, and I went home to live with my mom, and I got my job at Mr. Clucks back. And I got better."

"Okay, good, great, yeah -- except see, here's the thing -- none of that ever happened."

"What?"

"You're still at Santa Rosa, man. You never left the hospital."

Wait…what? Dave went on like this for a few minutes, explaining that this whole island and everyone on it was all just a dream, and I said, not loudly for Hurley to hear, "Well, screw that."

"What?" Bean asked absentmindedly as she kept adding parts to the missile.

"That Dave guy is saying that this is all a dream in Hurley's head."

"What is?"

"Everything, I guess. Me, you, the island."

"I'm flattered," Bean said. Dave and Hurley started to leave. I nudged Bean and we followed them.

"So this is all just in my brain?" Hurley asked. They were walking toward the cliff, and the only spot we could hide without being seen was a bush a few yards away. Bean gun's wasn't done adjusting, so we sat there and continued to watch them. I really should've been listening, but I was too busy complaining to Bean.

"I mean, we can't possibly be products of Hurley's imagination. I mean, US? HURLEY? I mean, I could understand if this was all in the mind of an autistic child in a coma in, I dunno, Arkansas, but Hurley? And, besides, Hurley even admitted that he doesn't know half the stuff that's going on here. I mean, could his little dream have gotten away from him? If that kid from Arkansas' dream got away from him and resulted in this, that would be awesome. Wait, what am I saying?" I noticed Bean was staring at me with a bored expression on her face.

"Are you done yet?" she asked.

"Sorry, I mean, this is so exhilarating!"

"Tell me about it." We leaned in to listen.

"So, if I -- all this will be gone? I'll just wake up?" Hurley asked.

"That's right. And when you do wake up, come find me. I'm sure I'll miss you. See you in another life, Hurley," Dave said, and by the time Bean had gotten a firm hold on the cannon he had flung himself off the cliff. Dude must've been crazy, since he laughed all the way down.

"Dave!" Hurley cried.

"Robey!" Bean gasped.

5: 08 p.m. –LOST

All this Hurley business had me bored. What does he think, this island revolves around him or something? Heh, just thought of a horrible joke. I forgot that last night we had all ambushed thatparachute and realized that Henry Gale was an Other, and from when Sayid showed us the driver's license it all gets foggy till the jogging incident this morning. Weird transition, ay? So I stopped by the hatch to see if I could settle on an ironic and witty nickname for Henry, since I was kind of crestfallen that I couldn't think of anything. He betrayed me. I mean, the name "Henry" fit. Then I had an epiphany in the Hatch. It was brilliant. At first I was thinking that since he was in Shawshank, I should name him Tim Robbins, but I immediately rejected that idea because a) it's so stupid, and 2) it's insulting. So I was rummaging through other prison movies or anything when it hit me. Oz! It fit so well I don't know why I didn't think of it before! I mean, his name was "Henry Gale", and here I was, supposedly already informed that that's a name from the Wizard of Oz! And Oz is the name of a graphic prison program! Yay! Ana was doing watch duty on Shawshank and chuckled when I ran past her yelling, "Oz!" over and over again. Since I was bored and had a nickname prepared for Henry, I decided to crawl through the vent and see what Oz was doing. But by the time I got there Locke had already shuffled in on his crutches.

"What's your name -- your real name?" Locke asked. I could tell he looked fit to beat Oz senseless with one of those crutches. Oz didn't look that good either.

"Why don't you just keep calling me Henry? I've gotten used to it," Oz said. I don't see how he could've gotten used to it so fast, especially after all the circumstances that happened to him. Wonder if he thinks if he called himself "Rick" instead we wouldn't have treated him like this.

"Did you get caught on purpose? You and your people have been here for God knows how long, and you got caught in a net..." Locke began, but Oz cut him off.

"God doesn't know," he said in that extremely creepy voice he has. "God doesn't know how long we've been here, John. He can't see this island any better than the rest of the world can. May I ask you a question? What possible reason could I have for putting myself through all this?"

"Maybe your people were looking for this place."

And then they went on and on about button pressing and blah, blah, blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. When is something interesting going to happen? When is this island going to explode? I wish Walt would show up with fiery bat wings in the middle of the night and fly over the island. That would be cool. This button pressing-Hurley hallucinations-any other absolute crap isn't any fun. And now that Hurley's getting some Libby action I feel left out again. I mean, who do I have now? The bloody sodding wanker that is Charlie? The dick that is Sawyer? The big spiritual guy that can snap me in half, Mr. Eko? Who's going to be in my outcast posse? Bernard?

A/N: I would say my thoughts about LOST, but someone already has. I've got a link on my profile of some guy from BWE talking about LOST, and basically everything he says is something I already have. Well, everything but beard glue. If you've got the time, try watching it. I'm going to sob now. Not tears of sadness. Tears of pathetic...ness.


	20. SOS

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Ah, I KNEW this episode was going to suck. Well, Bernard and Rose are finally flashback-worthy, so go them. But what mysterious ailment did Rose have before? It was most likely cancer, butIndie thinks it could've been AIDS, and for all we know it might've been, since it still remains nameless, but the LOST writers might've not wanted to point this out because it might represent racism or some other sensitive subject, and we all know LOST isn't racist, politically incorrect, or stereotypical. …HAHAHAHAHA! Sorry, I couldn't contain myself with that one. So we've concluded that Rose had CAIDS.

the LOST diaries: PT 19

DAY SIXTY-ONE:  
9: 15 p.m. –LOST

This morning we opened the island grocery store, and Bernard and Rose where in charge of putting everything in stock. It still hasn't been verified whether we can take the food whenever we like or if we have to buy it. I think we should have a little bar or something. All customers welcome. Well, except for Sawyer. Better yet, stuff all the food in some big trench coat and have some guy stand in the woods, and we'll be able to trade stuff with him. He'll sound like a pirate and we'll call him "Merchant". Yes… Anyhoo, Bernard and Rose were arguing and Bernard was saying that everyone has become too comfortable with the island. And he does have a point. I mean, I knew pretty much after the first week no one was really trying to get away from this place. I mean, I know that one guy…Michael, I think his name was, tried building a raft. But the thing exploded and everyone has just decided that us leaving the island just wasn't meant to be. Which makes this vacation spot even more inviting, I guess. Knowing we're going to die here and that some of us already have. Yay! Bernard left, still rambling and I helped Rose stack everything else, laughing at the ridiculous names for some of these products. Dharmalars? Vegetable Oil? Corn? Good times, good times. Hurley came round (in his Kool Aid shirt) and Rose offered him the Dharmalars, which I'm assuming are chocolate bars, but I bet aren't near as good as DHARMA INITIATIVE CHOCOLATE CRÈME COOKIES. Now fully hydrogenated! Mmm, hydrogenated. Bernard came round with that eager gleam still in his eyes and asked what Hurley was doing. This confused Hurley a bit and he slowly said, "Talking to your wife."

"Good. Can you get Libby and meet me at the edge of the tree line in 5 minutes? Oh, and if you can get Jin and Sun, Jenkins and that Frogurt guy -- the guy who used to make frozen yogurt," Bernard said.

"Neill?" Hurley asked. Crap, his name is Neill? And this whole time I've been yelling "FROGURT LIVES" every time I see him walking around camp.

"Yeah, and Craig -- anybody else you can get."

"Bernard? What are you up to?" Rose asked.

"I got an idea," Bernard replied before running off again. Fifteen minutes later we found ourselves in a big group on the beach and as I looked around I laughed at the recruits he had gotten. We were the outcasts, alright. But Bernard was trying to motivate us with his little "Let's get saved" speech.

"Okay, two months we've been on this island -- two months. And already we have a water trough, and we've got a food pantry. And people are taking showers in your hatch." …People are taking showers? "Have you forgotten that we all crashed on this island? It's like none of you want to go home again," Bernard said.

Claire, who I'm sure would be very essential in Bernard's "plan" said, "How can you say that? Of course we want to go home."

"Well, then why aren't we doing anything about it?"

"Dude, we, like, built a raft. But it got blown up," Hurley said.

"Okay, so what are we doing now? That pallet of food had a parachute which means a plane dropped it here which means there are other planes that fly over the island. So, we are going to build a sign -- a massive sign along the beach. So that way if a plane flies over or a satellite takes pictures from up there -- we want to make damn sure that they know we're here -- that they know about us."

"Maybe we should speak to Jack about this first," Rose said. WHAT? That's it, me, Merchant, and Jumbahlyah are totally starting an anarchy. Besides, I'm sure Jack would be really pissed if we all got saved without him knowing.

"Well, do we have to run everything by Jack? I mean, he's not the president. He's a doctor," Bernard said. I think we unofficially nominated him as the leader because he is helpful, nice, serious about certain things, a little nuts, and, of course, hot stuff. Bernard, on the other hand…

"You're a dentist," Rose said. Wow, she's really putting him down today, eh? But really, what makes the doctor so special? Is Jack better just because he's, as I recall, a surgeon? What does that make the embalmer? Bernard and Rose had another mini argument and then Bernard started giving people their tasks in our sign. It would be a giant S.O.S sign on the beach, and I got a little pang of sadness when I recalled myself trying to make an S.O.S sign on the beach and Boone showed up and, being retarded, thought it said "Sauce". This made me feel distraught, and I thought I should go to the hatch and… Wait, Locke's in the hatch, Locke killed Boone, maybe not so good of an idea… I saw Jack and Kate walking down the beach, and it looked as if they were having one of their "moments", so I of course followed them quietly so I could spook them later. They were too distracted by each other's good looks to hear my loud rustling in the bushes behind them.

"I'm flattered," Kate said as they trekked.

"Yeah, why is that?" Jack said.

"Because you chose me to go with you instead of Sawyer." Why on Middle Earth would he ask Sawyer to go with him in the first place?

Jack chuckled that little chuckle of his, as if he was still surprised at how stupid Kate could really be. "I asked Sayid first but he turned me down. And I only asked you because they don't want you. They grabbed you -- had you at gunpoint. They could have kept you but they didn't. Then again, they didn't really want me, either."

"Damaged goods, both of us," Kate replied. Whatever THAT means. Jack continued walking, but Kate, being Kate, was distracted by something on the ground. It was a doll. Something to add to her collection of pointless toys, I'm sure. She started reaching for it and Jack saw her and ran toward her, yelling not to touch it, but of course Kate couldn't resist. The net went up and they were both trapped.

"Sorry," Kate giggled. I'm pretty sure Jack was REALLY regretting his decision now. Jack asked if she was okay, and when she said she was, Jack replied, "Oh, good, so you can hear me?" Nice one. "This isn't one of theirs."

"No, it's not sophisticated enough," Kate replied, as if she had gone to the school of nets and knew all about their origin just by smelling them or something. "It must be one of Rousseau's-" thunder clap "-traps, so hopefully she's not far from here." Yes, Rousseau will save us!

"You should've told her not to touch anything, Jack," I said, deciding that now was a good time to make my appearance. "You really have to lay some ground rules or something with this one."

"Oh, Tibby, thank God," Jack said, causing Kate to frown and give me a dirty look. "Listen, can you cut us loose?"

"With what?"

"Oh, Kate, give her your knife," Jack said.

"I don't have a knife," Kate snapped.

Jack did that exasperated chuckle again. "You don't have a knife?"

"No-"

"We go out into the jungle where there's the Others, and Rousseau-"

"And smoke monsters," I added.

"And smoke monsters," Jack repeated. "And you're not going to bring a knife or anything?"

"Okay, first of all, how is a knife going to help me against a smoke monster?" Kate demanded.

"Well, it would really help to have one right now!" Jack yelled. He squirmed around a bit. Kate asked him what he was doing.

"I'm trying to get the gun. I can't get my arm around."

Then there was this really awkward moment where Kate was trying to get the gun from Jack's waistband and she was pressed against him and it kind of reminded me of doing stupid workshops in school, you know, where you're supposed to work as a team and it's really awkward because you're working with a bunch of kids you don't know or normally wouldn't like and you have to climb over each other to get across a log or something. Or get a gun from your partner's arse to free yourself from a trap which is your fault in the first place because you can't resist dolls. …We should make a school on this island.

"Okay, now give me the gun," Jack said.

"Why, what for?" Kate asked. Well, he was going to use it eventually, Kate. I mean, as much as it looked, this whole thing wasn't just an excuse to have both of you pressed together in sexual tension and whatnot.

"I'm going to try to shoot the rope," Jack said, which caused me to start laughing hysterically. Kate started to aim and Jack asked her what she was doing.

"I'm a better shot than you are," she said.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, I told you. I grew up hunting with my dad." This doesn't really make her a good shot. I used to shoot BB guns all the time with my brothers and I could never get my damn aim straight. Well, one time I did shoot something. Let's just say Jake was never able to see in his left… or right, but that wasn't my fault, eye again. And that's when he started to befriend the birds… Anyhoo, Kate shot the rope and missed. "Damn!"

"Well, at least they know where we are," Jack said,and Kate scowled at him."Okay, now give me the gun.".

"Are you going to waste another bullet?" You kind of already did, Kate, so shut up.

"Come on, hot shot, give him the gun," I said. "You know, I'd shoot it for you, but I'd probably blind one of you. Come on, this is fun!"

"Why don't you just get a sharp rock or something?" Kate snapped.

"We'll still have 13 more to shoot each other with. Come on," Jack said.

"Fine. You have a better angle than mine anyway."

"Oh, that's going to be your excuse when I make the shot?"

"When you make the shot."

To add on to the growing list of new things we're discovering Jack can do, I'll have to add: A DAMN GOOD SHOT, TEX, next to PHUKET POKER and MAGICAL BEARD STUBBLE. Kate's list still remains to be: SEWING THE DRAPES IN HER APARTMENT. Jack shot the rope and they fell to the ground.

"Nice shot," Kate said. So the three of us continued walking, because, as someone once said, "exercise is addictive", and Kate and Jack would occasionally say something to each other and I would hum little tunes or sing.

"_But if you were an egg, you'd be sunny-side up," _I sang, causing a loud thunder clap and rain to start pouring down on us instantly. Damn it all. Jack and Kate ignored the sign of imminent doom and continued with their casual conversation.

"What did you mean back there?" Jack yelled.

"What?"

"In the net -- you said they were sophisticated, the Others."

"Uh, last week when the baby got sick, Claire and I went into the jungle and, uh, found another hatch," Kate explained.

"What?"

"It's a medical station. There's nothing you can use; it was all cleared out, but I found some lockers. They had clothes inside -- all worn and dirty. And they were on hangers like costumes, you know. And there was a make-up kit, and a fake beard."

"And beard glue," I added.

"When were you going to tell me this?" Jack asked. It's still weird to realize that not everyone knows everything that's going on on this island. Especially with crazy eyes magical stubble Jack. I mean, I don't know EVERYTHING that happens on this island, but I know a lot.

"When you decided to let me back in the club," Kate answered. Jack started to walk away, because Kate wasn't the first and probably wouldn't be the last one to bring out that Jack's keeping secrets, blah, blah. Loop, man, loop. Jack stopped at a clearing.

"We're here," he said. Kate asked him if he was sure.

Jack pointed at random spots and said, "That's where they took a shot at Sawyer. Right over there was where they pushed you out of the jungle with the bag on your head. And right there is where I laid my guns down." That last bit was said with so much emotion it sounded as if he was going to cry. He must've loved those guns. Then suddenly Jack started to the Others, "Hey, hey I'm back! You say you're watching us -- you hear me? We've got your man! If you want him back you're going to have to come out here! Come on out!"

Kate tried to shut him up, I mean, he was embarrassing us, but Jack continued to be ignorant and boisterous. I was thinking how awesome it would be if a bullet zoomed right into Jack's forehead as he was yelling. Okay, maybe the action itself wouldn't be that great. but it would look pretty cool, because then he'd just abruptly stop yelling and then fall with a look on his face… Can you picture it?

"I'll be right here 'til you talk to me! I'll be right here!" Jack finally yelled.

And so we just sat there. And waited. And waited. I think I fell asleep at some point. I was too bored to even check up what was going on over at the beach. Nothing interesting, I expected. And the hatch was just depressing. It was nice to be out here. I was getting hungry, though. I walked around in the dark, and hoped I could find a stray mango or something when I noticed a weird light in the distance. It was a fire, but for some reason it was blue. I walked over to it and looked through the bushes and was shocked to find a little shack. It was made from bamboo sticks and logs, with big leaves as a roof and had little torches with blue flames surrounding it. There was a sign on the roof that said HADES.

"No way," I couldn't help saying as I stepped out of the bushes. There were people sitting at the bar and also some people sitting at little tables, each next to a large blue torch. This place was awesome! I recognized the guy at the table to be that one horse trainer for that horse Kate saw. I think his name is Chad or something. He waved. Sitting at another table was the Burger King guy and that one troll that lived under the Wobbly Bridge. I walked over to the bar and saw Jack's dad sitting next to a large transistor radio. A catchy Paul Simon song was playing. Behind the bar was a man in a large blue trench coat.

"What're you buyin?" he asked.

"Um…"

"She'll have a DHARMA, and uh, give me a gin and tonic," Bean said, placing two pearls on the bar.

"Bean? What is this place?" I asked as the Merchant placed two glasses on the bar.

"This is Hades. It's where all the locals hang out." A tree frog jumped into my glass. "Hey, get your own." Bean picked it out and threw it.

"What? I… What?"

Bean took a sip and grimaced. "Mmm, warm. Next time on the rocks, would you please? Anyhoo, what brings you over here?"

"Um, I was with Jack and Kate."

"What, on a camping trip?"

"You know, I'm not exactly sure why. I think we're trading something, I still don't really know." She nodded and munched on some crackers from a bowl. "Yeah, I'm going to check up on Jack and Kate, but it was nice seeing you guys."

Everyone waved and said goodbye and the Merchant even said, "Come back anytime."

"I will, thanks," I said as I walked away. That place was too creepy even for me. Subtly inviting, but it would take some getting used to. I walked back to where Jack and Kate were sitting by the fire, and both of them looked like they hadn't realized I'd left. And my great timing landed me right in an awkward moment in whatever they were talking about.

"I'm sorry I kissed you," Kate said.

To this a cocky Jack replied, "I'm not." Then we heard this weird noise. Someone was running in the jungle and whoever it was was making ridiculous gasp/panting noises as he ran. The person came closer and the three of us made our Charlie's Angels poses but relaxed when the person came into view and collapsed immediately at our feet. Yeah, we can do that to people. The man had landed right on his face so we had to turn him over and, unfortunately, the man making elephant noises as he ran was not Desmond, it was Michael. Great timing, man.

-Tibby T

A/N: THIS EPISODE SUCKED. I didn't think so until I started writing this thing and it hit me, Oh my Gandalf, I have absolutely nothing to work with. Damn you Leonard Dick & Steven Maeda. Where's Damon Lindelof? Who left these noobs in charge of writing a damn episode! I secretly think that Fanfiction and J.J. Abrams have teamed up and are trying to bring me down. Who wants to join my revolution!


	21. Flashback: The Sequel

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Well, here's to another Tib flashback. Was in the bookstore today and found some LOST books. I wasn't really into reading these books, you know, since I can just WATCH the show. I'm very lazy when it comes to reading. Go figure. But I glanced at the first page of each book and noticed that the first sentence in each one had to do with eyes or looking. That close eye shot seems to be a big thing with LOST. Not as much as the annoying numbers, but it's up there on the list.

the LOST diaries: flashback pt 2

_(LOST)_

So I was in the hatch this morning and decided to listen to some tunes, because by listening to all the stuff Locke keeps putting on, realizedthis hatch has got a pretty sweet soundtrack. I mean, there's no Billy Joel here, which is weird because Desmond just strikes me as a BJ fan, but, compared to the books at least, we've got a nice setup here. So I found a record that I thought would annoy Ana, who was reading on the couch and supposedly on Shawshank duty. I placed the needle on the record and backed away.

"_In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight…"_

_(Flashback)_

Tibby cringed at the drunk, high pitched voice of the man singing karaoke as she sat at the bar. The bartender walked by, and Tibby grabbed his arm.

"There isn't any way we can…make him stop, now is there?" she asked pleadingly. The bartender glanced at the man singing.

"Fraid not," he replied. "That guy comes here every night." Tibby stared at him. "He's a nice fella. He buys a drink for everyone at the bar just before he leaves."

"I'm flattered," she said. "But, just wondering, when will that be?" The bartender didn't say anything, but just smiled and walked away. Tibby rolled her eyes and took a sip from her beer but choked as Karaoke Man started singing "I'd Do Anything For Love". Tibby stared at the man as he finished that song and he was juststarting a Neil Diamond tune when a man walked through the entrance next to the small stage.

He smiled and said, "Nice one, Sam, starting the party without me," and some other friendly things one would say to someone he knew. He walked over to the bar and hopped in the seat next to Tibby with such force that it spun around a few times, and his legs his Tibby's shins every time.

"The usual, Gabe?" the bartender asked.

"Yeah," Gabe answered, as he grabbed the bar to stop himself from spinning. He looked Tibby up and down. "Sorry about that," he said. Tibby thought he was an odd one, but he was cute, so she wouldn't retort that she'd probably wake up the next morning with bruised legs.

"So how was work today?" the bartender asked. Tibby was used to regulars. She traveled a lot, so she didn't really have a bar she could call "home", but she had met many Regulars, and she had always wished she could have a spot like this. But no, she had to get used to interacting with people. And she hated that.

"Typical, if it's not the airline that pisses you off it's those damn flight attendants."

For the next couple of minutes Gabe went on a story how two flight attendants had gotten in a fight that morning on a flight from Phuket and that someone was bound to sue the airline. Again. And how he shouldn't be putting up with stuff like this with being with the airline for four years now and still being paid so little. He was finishing his second beer when he asked Tom the bartender to put on the news.

"You can always trust the news to show someone that's got it worse than you," he said.

"And in other news, a man from Los Angeles has won the Mega Lotto Jackpot, all 114 million dollars worth!"

Gabe slammed his knuckles on the bar. Tibby giggled. He looked at her and there was a faint trace of a smirk on his face.

"Sorry," she said. "Couldn't help overhearing."

"In an unrelated story, hundreds of Mini Troopers are being recalled because many are self combusting. Yes, it seems that there has been problems in the engines of most of the Mini Troopers made in the last year have been reported to explode at random times. Here's Zeke Griffin with more on that story…"

"I have a Mini Trooper," Tibby said as she listened to the story. Gabe looked at her and started laughing.

_(LOST)_

"So how's life in Hades?" I asked Chad as I sat across from him. This was a really nice place to just get away from the stress of being on a deserted island. Even though all the liquor was DHARMA brand and very warm, the place was cool, and I still had people that I could really talk to.

"No, dude, think about it. Eating? It's just weird. Like, it's so simple. You put food in mouth. Swallow. You stay alive. No wonder so many people are like, alive, man."

Chad looked at me with an incredulous look. He grabbed a fan and started shaking it in front of one of the blue torches.

"Maybe you shouldn't be sitting so close to the smoke…"

"No, I'm fine, really," I said, and, not entirely convinced, he pulled his chair closer. But since the chairs here were made of rock it was tough to move them, and in his attempt he accidentally kicked me right in the shin. "Ow!"

"I'm so sorry!" Chad squealed and knocked the table over when he got up. I laughed. "Calm down, dude."

_(Flashback)_

Tibby sat in her motel room and looked at a newspaper in dismay. There was a story on the disastrous death of a family of four after they had bought their new Mini Trooper. She looked out the window and saw her black Mini, sitting in the parking lot where she left it and in one piece. Not entirely convinced, she went in the bathroom and splashed some water on her face. Not that this would help, she just thought this might calm her down. It didn't, and she jumped when the light above flickered. She looked up and saw some religious picture propped over the light above the mirror. That was pretty much all she could gather from the picture, and she got that feeling of guilt for never learning anything pertaining to her Catholic religion, other than Christmas was… What was Christmas for again? The Man's way of spending the hard-earned money of the civilians and telling us to buy His products? Tibby was thinking if God and The Man were working together or were one and the same when she heard a loud crack. She immediately snapped out of her thinking trance and ran outside, because a loud crack would surely mean her car had exploded and by all means she should run to it. But when she got out, her car was perfectly fine. She stared at the compact vehicle and realized she hated cars, the damn gas guzzling machines. She wished she didn't have to rely on them to get places. But still, what was that noise? She decided to ignore it and walked over to the vending machine next to her room. She noticed that the little screen that normally blared the prices of the drinks kept buzzing the number 16. Just over and over again. 16…16…16…

"What?" Tibby pushed all the buttons. There was no one around, she could question this vending machine's motives all she wanted. She pushed a button repeatedly and asked, "Why do you keep saying sixteen?" She looked to see if there was something wrong with the plug or something but everything was fine. Glum that she was defeated by a machine, she was just about to go back in her room when it hit her. She looked at the room number. 15. She took a few steps back so she could see past the machine and the door next to it. That room number was 16. 16…

"Fix the vending machine!" Tibby yelled a minute later as she banged her fist against the door. Ow. "I'm thirsty!" No one was answering the door. Tibby needed to get in there. She rammed her shoulder against the door, which turned out to be unlocked, andwas flunginto the room. "Oof," she grunted into the green carpet. Her arms were spread out and she landed right on her chest. Her fingers felt something wet. Soda? She looked up to see the carpet was soaked in blood.

_(LOST)_

"So this is it?"

Eko and Charlie were working on that church…they were working on. Let me think if that makes any grammatical sense. Forget it.

"Hello, Tibby," Eko said.

Charlie of course had to give me a weird look and ask, "Is that a martini?"

I looked down at the martini glass I was shamelessly showing off. "As a matter of fact, yes it is."

"Where'd you get a martini?" he asked.

"Found it. Want some?"

Charlie tentatively took a sip, even though I can't fathom why. He strikes me as the guy that gets buzzed off wine coolers. He grimaced.

"That tastes really bad."

"Yes it does."

I looked at their structure. There were logs all over the place, but what I supposed was the actual church was just two logs sticking out of the ground with another log placed across. This was going to be some crappy church.

"You guys should talk to Sayid," I said. "He built that sweet tent for Shannon. And I think it'd be good for him to build something."

Charlie and Eko didn't answer, but continued to randomly move logs.

"What about you, Tibby?" Charlie asked. "Will you be going to the church?"

"And sit where?" I wondered aloud.

Charlie looked at the small patch of ground that the church would be over. He pointed at an ant hill.

"I think I'll pass," I said.

_(Flashback)_

"Where are you taking me? Are you taking me to a hospital? I don't want to die in a hospital," the whiny Scottish voice of Gabe said as he sat in the passenger seat while clutching his leg. Tibby was nervously driving behind the wheel.

"I'm not taking you to a hospital," Tibby said and looked at the rearview mirror.

"What?" Gabe cried. "Take me to a hospital!"

"What are you going to tell them? That you… That you shot yourself in the leg in an attempt at suicide? What the hell is wrong with you? Your head is there," she barked and pointed at Gabe's head.

"I told you, it was an accident. I didn't mean to…" He went on, but Tibby was distracted by a rosary bead bracelet thing that was dangling from her rearview mirror. It wasn't there just a second ago. The cross swayed and Tibby felt warmth on her cheek. She looked over at Gabe and saw a white light coming from the window behind him. The light was getting closer…

"_**BEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"**_

Tibby was able to swerve out of the other car's path just in time. Of course, Gabe had to yell at her the whole time and Tibby couldn't help thinking that this guy was ungrateful. I mean, she could've left him in his room to bleed to death, but he was pretty conscious when she found him, so she was stuck in giving him a ride.

"Watch where you're going!" he cried. "Be careful, would you please? We're already in a death trap on wheels." A song was playing on the radio. "Hit Me With Your Best Shot."

"Oh, turn that off," Gabe complained and grabbed his leg again. Tibby glanced distastefully at the blood staining her explosive car's seat.

"Hey, you wanna walk?" Tibby snapped. This was ridiculous. She turned onto a dirt road that no one would've spotted if they hadn't been down it before. "We're here," she said.

"Where's 'here'?" Gabe asked nervously.

_(LOST)_

"You're back," the Merchant growled.

"You bet I am."

_(Flashback)_

"Hey buddy. Just relax."

Gabe looked up at the shaggy face of Wiley and the uncertain face of Tibby. He tried to move, but found himself strapped to an island in the middle of someone's kitchen.

"Where am I?" he asked.

"This is my friend, Wiley," Tibby said. Wiley waved. "And he's going to take that bullet out of you."

"…What? Where am I?"

"You're at my place, mate," Wiley said as he went through some cabinets in his all white kitchen. He took a few medicine bottles out and dumped a few pills on a tray. He grabbed a water bottle and walked over to Gabe. "Now, I'm just going to ask you to take these."

Gabe sported a disbelieving look. "What are they?"

"Well, this blue one is going to calm you down, and this red one is a pain reducer. This yellow one is going to knock you out… No, the white one is going to do that. Okay, the yellow's the pain reducer, the blue one's going to...yeah, that one's still the downie, and I'm pretty sure I don't need this…" Wiley put the red pill back on the counter. "Okay, I think we're good," he said and held the tray by Gabe's face.Gabe looked back nervously and turned his head nervously to see Tibby sniffing an unlabeled bottle in the fridge.

"Where did you take me?" he asked hoarsely.

"Don't worry, you're in safe hands," Tibby said. "Wiley works with me. He knows what he's doing." Wiley dropped something and it made a loud metal crash as it hit the floor. "He's going to fix your leg, I'll take you back, and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened. Or I can give you one of those red pills over there and dump you on the side of the road. It's your choice."

"Right, so are we ready?" Wiley asked as he snapped his gloves and held up a rather large scalpel.

"Give me those pills," Gabe snapped.

_(LOST)_

"You know, it's funny how you can only be disappointed in life. I mean, I don't know if you were planning on being a bartender merchant on a weird deserted island when you were a kid, but it's just ironic how things never turn out the way you expect."

Merchant just nodded at my speech. This was the only place I was welcome. The hatch was depressing, Charlie and Eko weren't very pleased with my presence, and everyone else was doing something aimless and boring. I'm not saying that it was any better here in Hades, but I was with people like me. Well, to be honest,they were nothing like me. But they were nothing like the people on the beach, so there was a start.

"And people are just not what they seem anymore. Everyone's got secrets. I mean, look at all the weirdos on this island. No offense, but really. I mean, people are people. So why should it be you and I get along so awfully?"

"You know, you've got a point," the Merchant growled. "I don't think what you said just now had anything to do with anything, but I see where you're going."

_(Flashback)_

Tibby helped Gabe out of the car. They were back in the motel parking lot, and Gabe was leaning slightly against Tibby as he limped over to his room.

"You know, I wanted to thank you for what you did. It was a little extreme, but you helped me, and I guess the thought counts," he grimaced.

"Yeah," Tibby said. "Well, you're alive, and that's important."

"I guess it is," he chuckled. They were at the vending machine.

"Hey, are you going to be alright?" Tibby asked. "Spending the night alone?"

"I'll be fine," he said. Tibby stared at him uncertainly. "Really." He broke into a little grin, as if this would cool her worry engines. But she was staring to think, just how clean was the equipment Wiley had used? She realized she was just standing there, blocking the entrance to Gabe's room and looked up to see him either trying to move her out of the way or kiss her. She hoped it was the latter option and went along with it. They were so close when a loud explosion was heard from across the parking lot and their heads collided in the shock of seeing Tibby's Trooper blow up.

"Great," Tibby snapped.

A/N: This thing was supposed to have some point, but I kind of lost it somewhere. But I needed a second flashback before the season ended, so here it is. Editor wants to know what the hell a Mini Trooper is, and I realize there's a Mini Cooper, but I wanted to make my own version. So a Mini Trooper is as much a Mini Cooper as an Esuvee is like an SUV. For those of you who don't know what an Esuvee is, it's a big furry SUV that's cute yet very destructive at the same time. That in mind, a Mini Trooper is an adorable yet explosive robot car.


	22. Two For The Road

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**A lot of the things I write in the Diaries normally will pop up when I'm just discussing the show. For instance, Editor and I normally have a little commentary thing we do after a certain episode, where I talk about the episode and he'll just interrupt with some joke. This commentary was actually funny.  
Editor: What was your favorite part of the episode?  
Robo: Probably when Ana Lucia said that thing to Sawyer and he got pissed and said, "Scram!" and stuff.  
(pause)  
Editor: That was your favorite part? Why?  
Robo: Because Sawyer was acting like she was some dog or something. And let me tell you something, Ana Lucia is no dog. She's more like a…  
(simultaneously)  
Robo: Mountain lion.  
Editor: Cobra.  
(pause, then again simultaneously)  
Robo: Mountain cobra…  
Editor: Lion cobra mountain cobra…  
(pause)  
Robo: Ana Lucia's lucky she died, and even though I know she only did Sawyer to get the gun-  
Editor: Excellent messages LOST is sending to the children.  
Robo: -but still, this is SAWYER. The man who practically brags about the burning sensations down below.  
Editor: And we're not talking about Tallahassee.  
(pause)  
Robo: Yes, Ana was lucky to be taken out of the misery of having Sawyer Mountain Cobra Lion Herpes.

the LOST diaries: PT 20

DAY SIXTY-TWO:  
10:04 a.m. –LOST

Instead of being a good sport and helping Jack and Kate drag Michael back to camp, I immediately made an excuse about eating a bad papaya. Jack was too distracted so he said it was fine if I left, just as long as I didn't tell anyone. So I went back to the hatch and decided that, since no one was around, I could try doing what I did back home when I was bored. Axlsizing. It's an exercise routine I made up a long time ago. It's simple, really, yet probably not effective at all. Basically, all you need is a room (preferably with no one in it), a music playing device, and Guns N Roses' _Appetite For Destruction_, or any other compilation that has "Welcome To The Jungle" on it. Then you play the song and basically mimic all of Axl Rose's moves. …Yeah, that's pretty much it. Now, I have a little routine to my Axlsizing, mainly involving leather pants and a flower printed bandana, but since we ARE on a deserted island, I grabbed a few clothespins for the tight pants effect (as long as I didn't turn to reveal a dozen clothespins clipped to the back of my pants) and left the bandana for another day. So I pulled out a tape player I found and started prance-kickassing all over the food pantry. I didn't realize I was being watched into well into the guitar solo.

"Tibby?" I turned around to see Locke staring at me, bewildered. I immediately stopped dancing and decided to go with the "You Ain't Seen Nothing" denial twist routine.

"Yes?" I asked.

"I was just looking for the cereal," he said. "We're out."

The cereal boxes were right next to me. I tossed him a box. He got his crutches ready to go when I said, "John?" He stopped and smirked as if he knew it was coming all along. "This?" I pointed to my pants. "This doesn't leave the hatch."

"Scouts' honor," he nodded and left. I decided my Axlsizing was over and decided that, since I was by the vents anyway, it was a good time to check up on old Oz in Shawshank. Now, since I realized I can use the old Magical Genie Powers to go through solid objects, I've been running through trees and walls a lot lately, so I immediately discarded this thought and decided I might as well go through the wall and scare him. Unfortunately, I was still in the wall when Ana Lucia showed up. Great. The hatch walls are at least two feet of solid concrete. Or maybe magnets. I don't know for sure, but I do know that it was really uncomfortable. Anyhoo, I was trying my best not to pop out of the wall and listened to Ana Lucia busy at her no good deeds of mocking/interrogating-but-mostly-mocking Oz as she brought a bowl of yummy food.

"Hey, Henry, what do you say? How long are you going to keep up this hunger strike, Henry? I ever tell you I was a cop? I've been around a lot of killers in my life. You know what surprises me most about them? How much they love to talk. But you're different, Henry. Hmm? Quiet." Yeah, they're normally smutty betches who can't keep their big mouths shut, eh? Are ex-cops normally this…dick-ish? Oz had similar devious thoughts toward Ana Lucia, and I still laugh at the little "plan" he had come up with. He muttered something, which at first sounded like, "So dark the con of man."

Ana Lucia turned around and asked, "What was that?"

The second time Henry didn't say anything, just moved his lips and made a whiny noise. I mentally filled the blanks for him: _I'm a mime!_ Than I cursed myself for always getting mimes and ventriloquists mixed up. Well, _I'm a ventriloquist_ doesn't have a nice enough ring to it.

Ana Lucia got all up in Henry's face and said, "If you're going to say something; you're going to have to speak up." Oz all of a sudden stood up and started to strangle Ana Lucia. I made no efforts to help, mostly because I was still stuck on what had just happened here. WTF? Did Oz actually use his muttering skills to bait Ana Lucia? And Ana Lucia fell for it? And… there's so many questions! And maybe we could some of them answered once in a while! Unfortunately Locke showed up and hit Henry with his crutch and freed Ana Lucia. Damn.

12: 08 p.m. –LOST

"So Ana, what happened to you?"

"I cut myself shaving." …Was… Was that a joke? Ana's jokes are so caked in sarcasm it's hard to tell. Ana took her venomous glare elsewhere as I pondered the situation. …She wouldn't be shaving her head and that's where the cut was, so… It IS a joke! I saw Hurley wearing his Kool-Aid shirt and thought I'd see what he was up to. He was talking to Sayid about Say Anything and something about radios and Libby… I'll be honest, I think I can understand Jin more than Hurley. The man rambles more than I do. And boy, is that rambling. In fact, it's not even English. He wanted to be all uber romantick like and hold a radio over his head, which is a move all teenage boys in 89 thought would get all the girls to swoon. Yes, John Cusack still has a piece of my heart, but that's not the point. I don't know why Hurley won't hold the radio over his head anyway and sing the song himself. I mean, Hurley's got a singing voice. I've heard him belt a tune. And it's the thought that counts at least. And if he doesn't know the words to "In Your Eyes" he could always sing the Human League. Ah, the Human League. Also holding a piece of my heart since 1989. Sayid thought taking the place he had taken Shannon (just before she was shot to death) would be a very romantic place to take Libby. Well, what she doesn't know won't kill her. ...

5: 15 p.m. –LOST

Walked into an awkward moment in the jungle. I'll try to be subtle… SAWYER AND ANA LUCIA WERE HAVING SEX! …Hey, I could've laid on a disgusting vile term, also equipped with a joke about what a mountain lion and a redneck were doing in the woods… Ha, laid. She was going for the gun, obviously… Not _that_ gun. Great, I can't stop myself. Okay, Ana Lucia was only doing this thing with Sawyer so she could get his…firearms. Something Sawyer was too horny not to realize, I assume. Sawyer's stupid. Ana Lucia is going to get cervical cancer. It's all good. Luckily, they didn't see me and I didn't want to see them, so I ran off to the hatch where Michael had been taken and where he was now regaining consciousness. Locke and Jack asked him where he was, and, from what I gathered, he was just watching the Others' camp for a week. So he was telling Locke, Jack, Kate, Ana Lucia, and I that these "Others" were primitive and that they were mostly women and children, and by what he saw, there were only two guns. He kept saying we could fight back, that we could take them. And, judging by the look on Jack's face, he was eating every word. Okay, so let's say Michael _is_ being truthful and telling us at least what he saw. Still, why would we believe him if we KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE? We KNOW that the Others have more than two guns, we gave them a few! As for primitive, they have disguises! Beard glue! But Jack went Crazy Eyes, taking Locke and Kate with him to go get the guns from Sawyer before I could talk some sense into these people. So the three of them headed out and Ana Lucia stayed to watch Michael and Henry. She was looking for something in the kitchen and I took the time to see if I could try to become the couch, and it worked. I WAS the couch.

"Oh, yeah, I'm a couch."

I saw Ana Lunatic open the door to Shawshank and slide a knife over to Oz. He cut himself loose, and Ana pointed the gun at his head. But she couldn't go through with it. Apparently, her conscience has the worst bloody timing. She shut the armory door and walked back to the other couch, which I'm kinda glad, because I'm not sure how happy I would've been if she was sitting on me. I could getGonorrhea or something. You know, people with Gonorrhea can't pick up towels. I don't want to be one of those people. Anyhoo, Ana was playing with her gun when Michael walked in, asking where everyone was.

"What you said got them worked up. They went to get all the guns back from Sawyer," she answered.

"Sawyer? Sawyer has all the guns?"

"Long story."

"At least he didn't get that one," Michael noted as he stared at the gun hungrily. Maybe Ana was so used to that gun crazy voice that she couldn't pick it up in Michael's.

"Yeah. Too bad I can't use it."

"Use it on what?"

"We caught one of them -- the Others. He's locked up in there."

"How long has he...?"

"Over a week."

"And you're what -- taking care of him?"

"He tried to kill me today, so I wanted him dead. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even kill him. I looked at him and he -- I can't do this anymore." Once again, GREAT GODDAMN TIMING.

"Then let me do it. They're animals. I've seen these people and they are animals. They took my son -- right out of my hands -- they took my son and -- I'll do it. Give me the gun. I'll kill him. Because that's what they do," Michael said in an Oscar worthy speech. Ana handed him the gun. "What's the combination?"

"18 right, 1 left, 31 right."

Michael stared at the gun and looked all creepy. "I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" Ana Lucia asked in that snobbish tone. Last words, bee-yotch. Michael suddenly shot her right in the lungs. Now Michael's Crazy Eyes. Good Gandalf, what has the world come to? He stared at Ana as she gurgled and withered, and when Libby showed up holding blankets over her stomach, Michael shot her too, although more out of surprise than anything. Or maybe it was fear. Maybe he knows something about Libby! Oh, I hope against hope. Then Michael went to Shawshank and opened the door, and I was thinking that Henry still had the knife and how cool it would've been if Michael had opened the door and a knife flew out and stabbed him right in the shoulder. Of course, that didn't happen. Sigh. I bet Ethan would've thrown knives. But Michael opened the door and there was a stare-off between him and Oz, and then he shot himself in the arm.

"…I'm a couch," I sobbed.

A/N: Well, at least Ana's dead. Hopefully Libby is too. I just can't help but wonder how awesome it would've been if the season had ended right there, with Michael firing bullets at people going into the hatch. "Michael, hey, how you do-" BAM! "What's wrong? I heard gunshots-" BAM! "Is someone firing guns?" BAM! And so on and so forth. But no, Michael shoots himself in the arm. A friend of mine thinks he did it so that it'll look like Henry shot everyone. They certainly staged it well. Honestly, this thought never occurred to me till he said it. I have to start thinking more practically rather than thinking Tom Cruise holds the secrets to LOST. But we'll find out soon, right?


	23. Question Mark?

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Okay, first of all, this episode is entitled "?", so we know in advance there's going to be a lot of "Huh?" and "WTF?" and no, let's say, ANSWERS? Okay, I'll admit, there were a few answers. I didn't really… I didn't really catch any of them, but they were there. Sure, Eko and Locke found the 70's version of the Matrix room, but still there are questions that need to be answered. For instance, where do those tubes lead to? And where did Henry go? And where can I get one of those nifty DHARMA Initiative notebooks?

the LOST diaries: PT 21

DAY SIXTY-THREE:  
7: 16 p.m. –LOST

After the whole Michael shooting caps in everyone incident, I ran off. I ran off and found myself over at Eko and Charlie's camp. It was kinda weird to see them both sleeping there, by the church… Both Catholic… Either a weird dream or my not very discreet running woke Eko up. Charlie woke up and said "Whassa matter?" in a groggy childish voice that was cute yet slightly creepy. Eko had a look of action on his face and grabbed an axe, saying he had to find John.

"Do you know where John is?" he asked me in that polite yet scary way.

I opened my mouth but realized I had no idea where Locke was. Eko took my open mouth with no sound coming out as a no, and walked past me. We walked over to the hatch and found a whole party in the jungle. Well, Michael had just been shot, so maybe I should say there was a happenin' club in the jungle. Michael was saying something about Oz grabbing a gun and shooting up the place, and I can't believe how stupid I was not to realize this. Well, I was too busy being a couch. Yeah, that's the ticket. We all went inside and found a clearly dead, whore-ish looking Ana Lucia. I know it's kind of wrong, I mean, she IS dead, but honestly. Keep those legs closed, girlie! Sawyer was crouching over Libby and patted her hair. Sawyer's magic touch woke Libby up, and, much to my entertainment, coughed blood all over Sawyer. And I realized that Libby wasn't as bad as I thought. Sure, she may be a lousy excuse for a… What was it? Something like a doctor but absolutely nothing like it? And she's probably a little nuts, but who isn't on this island? And I felt sad because, here was Libby, all dying and bloody, and nowshe had gotten my sympathy vote. Wait… What am I saying? The woman likes exercise! God clearly does not want her to live.

"How is she?" Michael asked, eyeing Libby with a crazed look in his eye. If Libby lived and told everyone Michael had shot her and Ana Lucia, I can't even imagine the consequences. Chances are they would be light. Jack is weird that way. I mean, no one liked Ana Lucia. If Libby died, then Michael would live with this secret and his plan would go on as…planned. …Oh, now I feel like the island's fate is in my hands or something. Screw that!

"When did this happen? How long ago did he leave?" Crazy Eyes barked as Libby's blood poured all over his hands.

"I don't know. Twenty minutes, maybe a half hour," Michael answered.

"We can pick up the trail, catch up to him," Jack said. Sawyer started saying something logical, but Jack wouldn't hear it. "He shot three of our people! One of them is dead, one of them-"

"Who's going to take care of Libby while you're off playing Daniel Boone?" Sawyer snapped.

"Boone…" I muttered.

"I will go," Eko said. "John, you have tracking experience, yes?" So Eko, Locke, and I went on the Henry-Oz search party. I was wondering if Michael had actually shot Henry while I was gone and stuffed him in one of the vents when Locke asked me where we were.

"Right next to this tree," I said.

He sighed and almost fell on his crutches. What a pain it must beto be walking in the jungle on crutches. Glad I'm not crappled."Are you seeing something I'm not?" he said to Eko. "Hey! I haven't seen a single track or piece of sign since we left the hatch. What the hell are you following?"

"Where is the question mark?" Eko said, and it appeared that he too had been inflicted with Crazy Eyes.

"The what?"

"The question mark, John. Where is it?" Eko asked eagerly. Locke tried to leave, but Eko stopped him. "I know you do not want to show me, but you must."

"No, I don't have to show you anything."

"Then I am sorry," Eko said, and headbutted Locke. What's with all the headbutting? Off this island I never witnessed a headbutt (let me just laugh real quick, but you know what I mean!), but here they're everywhere. It's like some primitive greeting. Eko looked at me. I cringed and shielded my face. He took a matchbox out of his pocket and threw them at me. "Please make a fire," he said. About an hour and a half later we had a fire going, and Locke was waking up. He looked up at me as I roasted a mango.

"Wazzup," I said. He turned to Eko.

"You hit me!" Locke said, aghast. I must say, it's nice to see Locke get a taste of his own medicine. I'm not sure if he's gotten the ironic nostalgia of "The Boone Incident", but he will eventually. "Why did you-?"

"Because you were being difficult," Eko replied.

"Are you insane?" Locke asked. He got a "no" from Eko but a very sadistic laugh from me.

"Ana-Lucia, your friend, was just murdered and you-" What? Want to get some damn answers? Besides, what have we truly lost? A damn good sniper is all. Of course, she would've gotten to eager and…

"Ana wants me to help you, John." I think she'd want someone to kick Michael's arse, but this works too. Eko and Locke played twenty questions trying to see if they should go to the "?" and how to get there.

"We shouldn't even be out here," Locke said. "Ana-Lucia would still be alive if I just told Jack that Henry attacked her."

"Now, she wants us to go here, John, together. She said this in my dream," Eko smiled.

"Of course, a dream," Locke grumbled.

"Tell me, John, haven't you ever followed a dream?" Eko asked. Yes, Mr. Eko, he has. He killed the island idiot that time, but it was because he was MEANT to. So we continued our perilous journey, what with crossing wavy lines and jumping over circles.

"Your map is inexact," Eko said.

"No kidding," Locke answered.

"These landmarks -- is this a river?" Eko asked and held up the map.

"No, it's a wavy line. I didn't draw it, I just transcribed it. I told you, I don't even know if it is a map."

I examined the map as we walked.

"Okay, here's a… I think that's a cross, so maybe there's a graveyard nearby. Legolas knows there's a lot of graves on this island. And that is… That's the Blue Oyster Cult symbol… Um, this is…this repels witches and dinosaurs…"

Locke peered over my shoulder. He took the map out of my hands and turned it over. We came across the site where the "Boone Incident" took place. This clearing used to be so cool, it was an awesome island landmark. But ever since the Misplaced came and messed with it, it just isn't the same. Well, there goes the neighbourhood.

"You are the one that found this plane, yes?" Eko asked. Locke confirmed this and mentioned that the plane was originally on the cliff over the clearing. "And what made it fall?"

"Boone. Boone made it fall. Then he died," Locke sighed, as if remembering how stupid Boone was was almost painful to recount. He also muttered something about it being a "sacrifice that the island demanded". …Okay… Eko said we'd have to camp there and wait for further instructions. Pfft!I went back to the hatch where Sawyer, Jack, Michael, and Kate were sitting around the kitchen looking anxious.

"Where the hell are they?" Crazy Eyes grabbed me when I walked in and shook me by the shoulders.

"Just calm down. Finding his trail in the dark is not going to be easy. They'll be back," Kate said.

"Geez, don't shoot the messenger," I said, rubbing my neck. "Besides, we're, uh, hot on his trail."

"How do you always get back here so quickly?" Sawyer asked.

"Magic," I replied mischievously. You know, I've never hidden my MGP, but these people are idiots. Sawyer gave me a friendly glare (amazing, he can have just the amount of distaste and pleasure at the same time. All I can do islook confused and frightened at once), and Michael asked Jack how Libby was.

"She's still unconscious. The bleeding stopped."

"That's good, right?" Kate asked.

"No, it's not good," Jack said in a tone that sounded like his patience was wearing thin and he was clearly annoyed he wasn't surrounded by nurses or people with medical degrees. I chuckled. Everyone looked at me.

"And there's nothing you can..." Michael began.

"I can make her comfortable," Jack said, and made it extremely obvious that he was referring to Sawyer as he said, "But I don't have what I need."

"Why are you looking at me? I gave you all the damn meds two days ago," Sawyer snapped.

"The heroin, Sawyer." So heroin's going to make Libby feel comfortable? Whatever happened to sweatpants? Sawyer agreed to get it but Jack ordered Kate to go with him.

"What are you talking about? Why would he need me to go with him?" Kate asked.

"Jacko here knows his heroin's in my stash with the guns. So, I can either show you where it's at, or let poor Libby suffer. That pretty much it, Doc?" Sawyer asked. So Sawyer's all smart NOW, eh?

"Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it," Jack answered robotically. Sawyer and Kate left, leaving Jack to glare at me. "What's wrong with you?"

"What?" I asked.

"Well, you wouldn't be here unless there was something wrong with you or you're going to complain, so what's up?"

"Nothing, I'm- I'm fine."

He sighed and rubbed his eyes and asked, "Why are you covered in lint?"

I left the hatch and went back to see if Locke and Eko had found the infamous "?". I walked into the clearing to see Locke looking up at the cliff and looked up to see Eko standing atop and looking down.

"JUMP!" I yelled.

"Eko, what's up there? You see anything?" Locke asked.

"I don't see nothing!" Eko yelled back. He paused as he looked at a spot right behind us.

"How is he going to get down?" I asked Locke. "And why does he have that axe?" When I said this, Eko grabbed his axe and turned his back to us. He stepped backwards off the cliff and dug his axe into the vines and somehow managed to slide down as his axe sliced through the roots. He landed on his feet and ran over to a bare patch of dirt behind us and literally tasted the ground.

"It's salty," he said.

"So it really does taste like salt?" I asked. Eko explained that the earth was salted so no one could grow anything there. …I don't know why anyone would want to grow anything next to a crashed plane, but whatever. Long story short, there was a door to another hatch under the plane. The odds of that plane falling onto that very spot? Go figure. So we moved the plane and Eko smashed the hatch door with his magic axe. We looked down and there was another nostalgic feeling as we looked down the long tunnel.

"I'm not hearing any Mama Cass," I said. "Do you think it's safe?"

"Well, we're going down either way, so let's get to it," Locke said. We climbed downthe ladder into the unknown abyss and found ourselves in a little room with TV screens lining one wall.

"Oh my Gandalf, it's an outdated version of the Architect's room. I knew it! We're in the Matrix!" I squealed. Locke sighed and turned on the TVs. All of them were blank or static except one. It was our hatch, and we could see Jack pacing around the kitchen. Eko found an Orientation videotape and put it in a VCR. Eko and Locke sat in the recliner chairs and we all watched as the same guy from our Orientation film, know known to me as "The Architect", explained that the task for the people in this hatch was to simply observe what was going on in the other Stations, and thatthose Stations believed that the certain task they were doing was the most important, for instance, our button destroying the world thing. As The Architect spoke, some useless clips showed us just what the Hanso Foundation was really up to, like having Peter Jackson observe people doing jumping jacks. Locke became upset at hearing the news that this whole time in the hatch he was just part of an experiment. Which pisses me off, because of all the things we've encountered on this island, THAT'S what gets him upset? It's fine if we're trapped on this island for the rest of our lives, as long as it's not an EXPERIMENT! You know what _I _hate about being LOST? ALL THE STUPID PEOPLE! Eko was trying to tell Locke that we would continue pushing the button, and that we were meant to push the button by some unknown (yet I think we know what he's talking about) force. As he was talking, I kept glancing at the Swan Station monitor and frowned to see Jack repeatedly walking by the camera. I know Libby has really no chance of survival, but still. Shouldn't he be doing something? Oh, he's going to get some complaints. So we left, not before ransacking the Pearl Station. Eko took a bunch of useless papers and I grabbed the leftover notebooks meant for writing down observations. I was disappointed that I couldn't take the recliner with the desktop attached to it. Well, you can't always win.

A/N: I think I might be in the seventh Station on the LOST island. It's called the Robotic Station, and it's where I devout my lack of a personal life to writing fanfictions for a show that for me has lost all appeal. This is my job now, and if I fail the world will implode. I nearly failed last week and my pinky toe was smashed. So I'm trying to submit these bad boys earlier or who knows what? A giant metal door will pin me to the floor? Smoke monsters will suffocate me in my sleep? I'll have to bunk with an eccentric Scottish man who enjoys Mama Cass? How much will I be able to take? OH, THE HORROR! Please review.


	24. Three Minutes

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**The one thing that got me T.O.-ed about this episode was it's title. I never really took much notice about the title of the episodes until just recently, when I realized that the title actually had something to do with the episode itself. So when I saw this ep was called "Three Minutes", I thought something big would happen, like a malfunction in the hatch causes everything to explode in three minutes. No, it was simply the amount of time Michael was granted to see Walt, and even then it was cut short. Couldn't they have named the episode something else? If they're going to name the episode after something so insignificant (OR IS IT?), they might as well have named it "Ping Pong", because that ping pong table was awesome. I mean, I can't even express how ecstatic I was at seeing that table, which has probably been in plain sight the entire season and I just noticed now. And, come on, wouldn't it be great to have a montage of Locke and Eko playing Ping Pong? I think I know how season 3's starting!

the LOST diaries: PT 22

DAY SIXTY-FOUR:  
9:23 a.m. –LOST

This morning Michael, Kate, Sawyer, Jack, and Hurley were all in the hatch discussing their plans to ambush the Others' camp. Michael was insisting that only the five of them go, and Jack was saying that they would be outnumbered, especially if the Others had more guns.

"We take too many people, they'll hear us coming. I'm not taking a damn army across the island, Jack," Michael snapped.

"Michael, you sure you're in the best place to be making decisions for all of us right now?" Jack asked.

"You got a son, Jack?" Michael snarled, playing the always effective "Father" card. And, judging by that answer, no, he shouldn't be making the decisions. But we all know what happened last time we tried to keep Michael in line. Hurley started yelling angrily that Libby and Ana Lucia were dead and that they were still in the hatch. We all turned to look at the two covered bodies lying on the ground.

"Yeah, we should really move them out of here," I said.

10:42 a.m. –LOST

I had been in the mood to go outside and get away from this enclosed and, if I might add, hideously smelling hatch. Hey, you can't just have two people die inside in a place and leave them there for a few hours without them stinking up the joint. I would've gone outside, but I kept coming across puddles of Michael's sick, so I found myself sitting in the food closet staring at the little tape player I had found. _I wonder…_ I focused on it for a while, concentrating. No use. Nothing had changed on the player. I concentrated really hard, with my eyes shut tight, my teeth bared, anything. But still, nothing. I sighed.

"Well, I guess I'm stuck with-OW!" Something hit my forehead. I looked up, which was dumb because I was inside and wasn't sitting under a vent or anything else that something could've fallen from. I looked at the item that fell and was surprised to see a thin white box on the ground. It had an octagon shaped screen and had all the buttons you'd normally see on a music listening device. I turned it over and read "DHARMA INITIATIVE iLAND".

"What the hell is this?" I asked aloud. "I wanted a laptop." I ducked as a large computer fell on the ground and shattered. I dove out of the room before anything else fell, and found a concerned looking Eko watching me.

"What was that noise?" Eko asked.

"Oh, I dropped a graham cracker." Pause. "A few graham crackers." Eko nodded and smiled. I walked outside and went to the beach, where I spotted a midget in a crib I once knew as "Aaron". "Good Gandalf!" I cried when I saw him.

Claire smiled and said, "Yeah, he's getting big, isn't he?"

That was an understatement. What was this kid, a month old? It looked like he would only be able to fit in his crib for another week. "He's HUGE! What are you feeding him? Are you breastfeeding him? Wow, what's in those things?"

The conversation had gotten incredibly awkward. And it certainly didn't get any better when Charlie showed up. He tried to be casual and say that he was building a church, but Claire, already offended by me, demanded what he wanted. Charlie brought a case out of hisbag and explained that there were vaccines in it. I don't know why he gave this to Claire instead of Jack or someone that had real use for it, but maybe he was trying to win her over with a "practical" gift. I would've suggested a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of scotch, since she's going to have a handful with a giant baby walking around, but I guess this works.

"I don't know what we need a vaccine for, but I figured if anyone should have it, you and the baby should," he said. ? "It's alright. It's a pneumatic injector. You just put into your leg," Charlie plunged the injector into his leg and tried to hide his grimace, "and it goes right in. Quite painless, really."

He tried to chat with her and ignore his bleeding leg. I thought it was a bit weird for Claire to seem to be willing to share this injector with a post-heroin addict, or shooting a pneumatic injector into an infant at all, but whatever. The chat was cut off when Michael showed up out of the jungle, and everyone acted as if Christmas had come early or something. Gandalf, you'd think the man had come back from the dead judging how fast people ran across the beach. I walked right back through the jungle. I hated this. Michael getting all the attention. Now, I know what it sounds like, but I wasn't jealous. I was annoyed. Michael's a douche bag. I was stomping through the jungle and walked by Sawyer, who was leaning against a tree and looked pretty zoned out.

"What's your problem, Noodles?" he asked. I stopped. I hoped Sawyer wasn't just busy thinking up nicknames for people. Noodles? I think it's just his pathological fear of calling people by their actual names. "I mean, what's wrong with you, Shortcake?" I glared at him. Better than Noodles. I couldn't think of an excuse, and he squinted at my head. "Whoa, what happened to you?" I wasn't sure what he meant before I touched my forehead and felt a giant bruise coming on.

"Uh, a hammer fell on me." I went with this excuse because I thought it would get the most sympathy. I forgot for that brief second that I was talking to Sawyer. He burst out laughing and I started to walk off.

"Might as well go," he sighed. "Not like no one cares bout me anyway." I stopped but shrugged off his comment and started to leave again, but Sawyer said, _"Turn around. Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round…"_

I turned to face him and we both sang, _"Turn around, bright eyes! Every now and then I fall apart!" _

We got very close and sang, _"And I need you now tonight! And I need you more than EVER! And we'll only be making it right. We'll be holding on FOREVER!"_

We both held our signature poses for a second.

"Well, I ought to get going," I said and walked off.

"Yeah, I've got stuff to do," Sawyer strutted off.

I turned a corner and Bean ran right into me, wearing a top hat and gloves.

"Did I miss it?" she asked breathlessly.

"Miss what?"

"The big musical number!" she cried.

"Uh, yeah, you kinda did."

"What? NO!" she yelled. "I had a whole dance routine going!" She sighed. "Well, now that I'm here, you might like to know that I fixed the time machine."

"That's nice to know," I said. "…Wait, it was broken?"

3: 08 p.m. -LOST

"Come on," Bean said. "Aren't you the least bit interested to find out what Michael was up to the past thirteen days?"

"No, not really," I answered. She was trying to talk me into going with her in THESHIZZ for what I'm pretty sure was a fresh run, so she could see if she did actually "fix" it.

"Don't you want to see what Walt looks like?"

"I've seen him already, he's wet."

She ran in front of me and asked, "Well, don't you want to know things and see things everyone else hasn't seen?"

Damn, she got me. I can't resist the opportunity to be all knowing. Five minutes later we were sitting in THESHIZZ, now pimped very nicely with awesome rims, and Bean was going through a box of tapes.

"The Kinks?" she asked, holding a tape.

"No, I think I've had enough of them from Charlie, thank you very much."

"Well, I guess Drive Shaft's out then," she said and tossed another tape in the backseat. "I've got Spinal Tap."

"I don't think it would really go together well."

"Yeah, you're right. E.L.O?"

"Hmm. Let me look," I said. We were trying to find a song that we could time travel to. It's a very important decision. "No for Yes, no for U2. Talking Heads?"

"Eh, 'Once In A Lifetime", right?"

"Hey, it could be 'Life During Wartime'."

"Well, that's not very positive."

I shuffled through the box again and a certain tape caught my eye. "Got it," I said. We put the tape in and listened to the beginning of "Roll With The Changes" by REO Speedwagon for a second before Bean started the new method of pulling the lever and then backing up the golf cart before we were sucked into the Technicolor Abyss. We were singing to the song as we, once again, found ourselves very high in the air heading straight for a clearing on the island.

"_As soon as you are able, woman, I am willing to make the break that we are on the brink of!"_

We both took our air musical instruments, Bean rocking her air guitar and myself banging on my magic drums. We crashed on the island but were too busy to notice. Bean flipped the INVISHIZZ switch and we continued to sing and play. The song finished, and both of us leaped out of the golf cart and pumped our fists in the air. I kicked and smashed my magic drums and Bean lit her air guitar on fire. We both stood up and looked around. A big rock with a HOLE in it wasn't very far off from us.

"Where are we?" I asked.

Bean looked at the meter in the time machine. "Eleven days ago."

We heard Michael's whiny voice from the other side of the rock and ran over to it and looked out from behind it. Sure enough, there was Michael with his arms tied behind his back and being escorted by the Others. We followed them and hid behind the rock and I gasped at what was in front of us. It was a little village, complete with huts and matched Michael's description.

"It's so…BROWN," I said. Indeed it was. The huts, the ground, the clothes… All brown. You'd think these people would at least have a couple of paint cans lying around. Or at least wallpaper or something. It was terrifying. Not only was everything brown, but they were all different shades of brown. Oh my Gandalf, they're a cult. The Others are a cult! The Brown Oyster Cult! Someone had seated Michael down and was taking his blood.

"This isn't going to work," Bean said. "We need to get closer."

"They'll catch us," I said, surprising even myself that I had just said something rational. Normally I would've walked right through there with a little song and dance.

"You can get through," Bean said and smirked at me.

I stared at her. "…What do you mean?" I asked.

She nodded and said, "You know."

"No, I have no idea what you're talking about."

"You can… You canpossess something. Rather, someone," she said, still a little baffled that I hadn't gotten the gist.

"Someone? I can only do that with inanimate objects."

Bean raised her eyebrows and gave me a "you won't know till you try it" look. I sighed.

"Well, I haven't tried doing it before. How do we know it'll work?"

She looked around. "That guy," she said, pointing to a man approaching the rock.

"Ugh, he's going to the bathroom," I said.

"And this is the bathroom," Bean said. "Come on, now's your chance."

I frowned and muttered, "I guess I'm winging it," since I had no idea how I could possess someone. At least I hoped it was a lot like possessing someone. That would've really sucked if I took over his body and he was screaming that there was some crazy chick was inside him or something. The Others would probably think he was sick and shoot him down. I assumed that in order to possess "Pisset" I would just do what I normally did, run at full speed right into him. I did, and he didn't see me coming because he was, well, distracted. I made contact with his back and heard a weird vacuum noise. I looked around and realized I was higher above the ground then I normally was. I looked down and was a little startled. This was something new. I remembered _There's Something About Mary_ and slowly zipped my zipper and turned to face Bean.

"Did it work?" she asked.

"I'm a dude!" I said.

"And a poet," she commented, sounding very amused. "Okay, you go down there and find out or do whatever you want, as long as you're not suspicious and don't get caught. And- Hey, are you listening?"

I had been marching around and waving my arms about. Now I was testing this new voice. "Yes, yes, yes, NO, yes."

"I'll be over here in THESHIZZ. Come over when you're done, and if they find you out, get back here. I'll have a password to know it's you."

"What's the password?"

"You'll know," she said, and I walked over through Browntown, strutting my stuff and probably making a fool of myself. A few people nodded at me and greeted me by calling me "Pickett", so the nickname I gave this guy wasn't very far off. No one seemed caught off guard by my behavior. Maybe this is just how Pickett rolls. Michael was taken to a hut and it was my job to guard him, along with some guy named Jim. Or Tim. Or Frank. Or Brian. We passed the time by playing Connect Four, and after losing sixteen games, I was starting to get annoyed and went back to Bean. I couldn't see her, since she had made THESHIZZ invisible and herself with it.

"Bean? Hello?"

"Who's that pretty girl in that mirror there?"

I stared at the spot I thought the sound came from. I was a little surprised by the "password", but answered her with, "What mirror where?" THESHIZZ immediately came into view behind me.

"What can I do for you?" Bean asked.

"Could you fast forward to the night Michael left? This place is so boring. And brown," I explained. She told me to hop in and didn't even bother to turn the music on as we were sucked into the island oblivion and were thrust right back into our seats as we came to a very sudden halt. "Ah, my neck."

"Here we are, three days ago," Bean said, putting the headphones that came with my iLAND that I didn't recall letting her borrow. "And could you hurry it up? I'm getting a little sick of Jefferson Airplane's greatest hits."

I laughed and said, "No one can get sick of Jefferson Airplane."

I went back to Michael's hut and was too distracted by making Connect Four strategies to notice Ms. Klugh, a woman that kept going in there to talk to Michael, was standing next to me.

"Pickett," she said. I looked up and was surprised to see Walt standing next to her. I barely recognized him. It looks like SOMEONE hit puberty. He had gotten taller, and in the firelight it looked like he had the beginnings of a beard coming on. Everything on him had doubled in size, right down to those Chiclet teeth I had grown to acknowledge as his trademark. I mean, he wasn't growing as drastically as Aaron, but it looked like he had grown a least two years rather than two weeks. "Watch him," Klugh said and went inside. Walt sat silently on the small haystack square (hay?) across from me.

"Hey, Walt," I said, failing to be friendly and going straight into pedophile. Walt looked down at the black and red pieces and didn't acknowledge me. I was trying to think of a way of telling him who I was without anyone overhearing. Like something only we would know. The only thing I could remember was the moment I realized I had to give Charlie up, when I said he had pretty eyes and he went on and on about how beautiful Claire's were. I sighed and told him he should talk to Claire and when he left, I remember Walt showing up out of nowhere and saying he thought my eyes were pretty. I remember being creeped out by this and telling him to get lost. I wanted to be mysterious, but I don't think "I think you have beautiful eyes" would help me at all in gaining Walt's trust. At least not in this body. If only we had shared Kodak moments. Well, I guess there was one thing I could go back to.

"Glad to see you've finally dried off," I said. He glanced up at me. I winked. He looked scared and confused. "Relax, Chiclet teeth," I said. Still confused. Klugh called my name and I brought Walt inside the hut. There was a lot of emotions running wild, and since my attempts at telling Walt the truth failed, and since Klugh kept looking at me suspiciously, I used my big Pickett hands to hold on to Walt, but let him go at one point to at least hug Michael, causing me to get quite the stink eye from Miss K. I dragged Michael outside and had Alex bring him back wherever he was supposed to go, and ran back to the rock.

"_Dear kindly Sergeant Krupke, you gotta understand, it's just our bringin' up-ke that gets us out of hand,"_ Bean sang.

"_Our mothers are all junkies, our fathers all are drunks. Golly Moses, naturally we're punks!"_ I sang back. I quickly jumped out of Pickett's body and dove into the now visible time machine. We continued to sing "Gee, Officer Krupke" as we went back to present time and she drove me closer to the beach for the funeral.

"_Gee, Officer Krupke, we're very upset; we never had the love that ev'ry child oughta get. We ain't no delinquents, we're misunderstood. Deep down inside us there is good! There is good! There is good, there is good, there is untapped good! Like inside, the worst of us is good!"_

She parked the car and we sang and danced. We eventually got tired of swinging our legs around and we each went our separate ways. I walked over to the beach and walked past Locke, who was now walking without his splint, and headed over to the burial service. I took my time to get to the funeral, since I was in no hurry to bury two dead guys I didn't really like or know, and I looked over to the water and spotted a boat. I stopped walking and stared at it. I knew that boat… I turned around to see if anyone else had noticed. Nope, no one saw it. How could they not? It wasn't that far off. I waved my arms and caught no one's attention. Fine, whatever. They could miss the boat, suit's me. Unfortunately when I thought that I heard Sun yell, "Boat!" and everyone turned to see that familiar boat sailing towards us. They all stampeded to the shore and it dawned on me where I saw that boat before.

A/N: Hey, I've got a social disease! Well, next week's the finale! DESMOND! I'm so happy! DON'T DISAPPOINT ME, LOST WRITERS, YOU MOTHERFxxxERS! …Sorry, I just had to get that out there.


	25. Live Together, Die Alone Part I & II

**Robo t's Place of Rage.  
**Okay, I'll admit, I'm a little giddy. And proud of myself . Held out for another season, and hey, I might even come back for the third. I'll be honest, I've been waiting for Desmond to come back all season. He was such a weirdo and I missed him. I mean, he brings a lot of character to the show, right? Jesus-Desmond-Man. And without him, the LOST team will never be saved. And I hope that the series will end and the people still alive will be rescued. Eventually. Because to us, the Oceanic crash survivors have been there for what, nine years? But it's really been sixty five days. Two months. Two excruciating years back on planet Earth is two months in LOST time. Gandalf, this series will be around FOREVER. I'm never leaving this fanfic hatch! Speaking of LOST time, I've been keeping up with the days! If I never fixed it last season they would've been nearing their seventh anniversary on that damn island. So, go me!

the LOST diaries: PT 23 + PT 24

DAY SIXTY-FOUR:  
4: 15 p.m. –LOST

Everyone was standing on the shore and pointing at the boat that obviously wasn't here to rescue us, and I recognized it pretty quick. In the hatch there's a stupid picture of a Desmond that's all smiles, no beard, and a pretty woman standing in front of a boat. I'll look at it every once in a while, because it's so ridiculously cheesy, and it reminds me of the time I saw _Jacob's Ladder_ and noticed a picture on Tim Robbins' desk, where he and his wife are standing on some dock, and when I saw it the first time I thought that his wife was holding him up on her shoulders, and I thought to myself, _Wow, She-Hulk!_ Then I watched it again and realized that he was just sitting on a bar behind her and that she was just standing in front of him, and that it just _looked_ like she was holding him up. Anyhoo, I immediately recognized the boat from the picture. Jack, Sayid, and Sawyer all dove into the water and started swimming toward the boat. I followed them, but unfortunately am not a very skilled swimmer. Luckily, someone on a tiny surfboard caught up with me. I looked at him and recognized him as the little Hawaiian Punch dude. He shot his giant hand out and let me hold on to the board as he sped toward the boat. I climbed on board to the best of my ability, causing a loud thunk when I fell over the bar. The three men looked at me crossly, and each were sporting a handgun. And, as horrible I am with guns, I wished I was all cool and had one too. Or maybe I should just carry a baseball bat with me.

"You hear that?" Sawyer whispered, and sure enough, we could all hear really crappy music coming from below deck.

"Tears For Fears?" I asked. Jack put his finger to his lips and stealthily walked over to the door, but shots were fired from below, and I ducked and yelled, "Scrambles!"

The fire ceased and we all heard a clearly Scottish voice (clearly drunk Scottish voice) say, "Damn it." And when someone says "Damn it", it's clearly a sign that the ball is in your court, so theJack, Sayid, and Sawyerpseudo smashed the door (WITHOUT shoes, by the by) and we all looked down to see a man surrounded by bottles of gin. He laughed and said, "You."

"Jesus?" I said.

10: 16 p.m. –LOST

Jack, Sawyer, and Sayid stupidly swam back as me and Desmond rowed back to shore on his raft. Well, I did most of the rowing and he did most of the singing.

"Bottle of red! Bottle of white! It all depends upon your appetite! I'll meet you anywhere you want! Nah nah neh neh…" he slurred and mumbled the rest of the song. Gandalf, we would've never made it to shore if it wasn't for me. The rest of the day we sat by the fire and drank, and caught up with each other.

"Hope that wasn't my handiwork," he said, referring to my bruised head.

"Nah, I dropped a hammer this morning."

"You dropped it on your face?" he asked. I realized I had said my excuse wrong, and he burst out laughing. Jack came over and didn't try to hide his hurt feelings as he said that Desmond never told them he had a sailboat, and asked why he came back. Well, that should be OBVIOUS, Jack. The man is SMASHED.

"I was sailing for two and half weeks, bearing due West and making 9 knots. I should have been in Fiji in less than a week. But the first piece of land I saw wasn't Fiji, was it? No. No, it was here -- this, this island. And you know why? Because this is it. This is all there is left. This ocean and this place here. We are stuck in a bloody snow globe. There's no outside world. There's no escape. So, just go away, huh. Let me drink," Desmond said, showing emotion in all the right places and making me repeat "escape" in that funny Scottish accent. Maybe it was because he was drunk, but I've been mimicking his speaking style to give me the giggles. Sayid came by and explained his plan involving the "Michael" problem. Sayid planned on using Desmond's boat to follow the Fab Five to the Others' camp, because he knew it was a trap. I was a little confused how he was going to follow them in a boat if they were going through the jungle, but he's so sure the Others won't screw with us (AGAIN) that he'll find Browntown on the shore and meet up with them. Of course, he's already planned all this without even asking Desmond is he could borrow the boat, showing how arrogant Sayid thinks he is. But of all the people on this island, I think everyone would bend over backwards (and then some, SHANNON) for Sayid, because chances are high that he's capable of killing us with our own shoes. So if Desmond does say no, all of us will be trying to change his mind, ultimately saying that if he doesn't, Sayid will pull out something special from his bag of tricks, and no one wants that. Sayid said that when he gets to the camp, apparently after killing the dozens of Others waiting for him, including women and children, he'll have a black smoke bonfire (most likely on the corpses and some special leaves) and signal that the coast is clear.

"This time they will know that we are coming," Sayid said. …Don't we not want that? All these plans and bottles of gin were giving me a headache, so I went to the place where I knew I could really relax.

"The colors!" I exclaimed, rushing to one of the giant machines in the hatch. I never really went in here when all the machines were having their light show. "It's just like Vegas!"

Eko, who was the one and only fellow on hatch duty, was reading some of the papers we found in the Architect's Question Mark Lair and ignored me. Locke shuffled in and Eko greeted him warmly. Locke, not so much.

"In a minute that computer's going to start beeping, and when it does you're going to let it go. You're going to let it run down to zero, past zero. And you're not going to push the button," Locke said.

"But I am going to push the button. Why wouldn't I?" Eko said as if Locke was playing some sort of prank on him. Oh, John, you're so silly! And bald!

"Because you don't want to be a slave."

As they spoke, I noticed a lever on one of the machines. Just like it did, so many days ago, it seemed to be calling me name. I wonder…

"Do not tell me what I can do," Eko said, and I turned to see Locke attempting to smash the computer but, come on, it's Eko. He grabbed the Jesus Stick and it was sort of funny, seeing a big muscular man trying to pry a giant staff from a rambling old man. Eko knocked John down and literally threw him out of the hatch as he continued to yell. He came back and looked at me, nostrils flared.

"Hey," I said. "What happens in Vegas…" He went back to reading and I felt somewhat guilty about Locke, so I left. Well, I was still unnerved about Eko, but I'll say I was worried about Locke. I walked out and ran into Charlie, and we continued to walk until we came across Locke, who was sobbing and standing against a tree. Gandalf, you'd think someone like Locke would find a more discreet place to cry, rather than a big clearing where anyone could walk in on him. After we made our presence known, Locke turned around and failed miserably at trying to make it look like he wasn't just crying.

"What happened to your face?" Charlie asked, and it sounded a lot to me like he was ready to break out laughing at any minute, but maybe that's just me. Locke played it off like it was just a flesh wound, but there was a big ass scratch on his cheek. Of course, Charlie didn't ask _me_ what happened to my head, but whatever.

"Hey, uh, if you're feeling a little sorry for yourself you may want to have a drink with your mate from the hatch. I hear he's a little despondent, as well," Charlie said. He'd obviously been preparing for this moment for a long time. Ugh, he thinks he's so cool. _Despondent._

"What?" Locke asked.

"Oh, that's right; you weren't there for the dramatic arrival at the funeral. I think he's pushed your button too many times, if you ask me," Charlie replied. Yes, this clearly was all prepared. You know, I was trying to figure out why Charlie was acting like such a douche bag when it dawned on me that he was still pissed about being beaten in front of everyone by Lex Locke. Wow, so much stuff happens on this island you forget who's mad at who. It's like grade school all over again. I hate it.

And that flesh wound must've done something to Locke's brain, because he still wasn't getting it. "Desmond?" he asked.

"Yeah, Desmond. I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about," Charlie said menacingly, just before he walked off, swinging his hips in that girly walk of his. I'm never going to find Charlie evil. After pointing out Charlie's walk and making crippled Locke smirk, I headed to the beach, where a very drunk (and still drinking! WOO!) Desmond was talking to Claire.

"He's lovely," he slurred, referring to Big Aaron. "Is the father here on the island?"

And for the first time (for me, at least) Claire started to bitch about her ex. "No. Nope, he's been gone a long time. Sort of walked off the moment he got a bit scared by the situation."

"Well, maybe he knew he'd be a lousy dad-" Desmond took a swig from his bottle, as if to say, Like me! "- thought he was doing what was best for you."

Claire looked disgusted and offended. "He was doing what was best for _him_."

Desmond went into flashback-mode, now drunkified, so he just stood there, blinking a lot and the occasional staggering. Claire quickly picked up Aaron and walked off. I had to swing his arm around me and force him to walk to the nearest fire, where he passed out. I kept an eye on him until he gained consciousness again a little while later, demanding where his bag was. I brought it to him, and he took out bottle after bottle, as if this bag was magic or something. I have to get me one of those. I was bored, so I grabbed some of the leaves that Sayid said would make black smoke and, just for kicks, rolled them in some paper and lit the end. I thought I'd just get some neat black smoke but it smelled… weird. A few tokes on that and me and Jesus were having a VERY class time. Locke came over, and they shared this weird greeting moment you'd only see on, well, primetime television shows.

"So what _did_ one snowman say to the other snowman?" Locke asked.

Desmond grinned and answered, "Smells like carrots."

"I still don't get it," I said.

"Hello, Desmond," Locke smiled.

"Hello yourself, Box Man," Desmond greeted, and I fell off the log I was sitting on and laughed.

"Hey, how'd you know he worked at a box factory? Dude, you're like, magic or something."

But Locke cut straight to business. He was here to tell Desmond about the Architect's Question Mark Lair, and that he found out that the whole button pushing thing was just an experiment, and that Jesmond had wasted three years pushing it.

"You're lying," Desmond said, drool nearly spilling out of his mouth. Locke pulled the "?" Orientation tape out of his backpack and handed it to Desmond, who looked at it bewildered as if he was thinking, _Great. But I can't… I can't watch this._

"You want to take a walk? I'll make the popcorn," Locke asked. What a tempting offer!

Desmond seemed insulted, and snarled, "You're so sure it's not real, then just stop pushing the button!" He threw the tape back.

"Well, I have," Locke said, cradling his Precious tape. "Except, unfortunately, someone else decided to start. So you're going to sober up." At this I laughed and muttered, "Fat chance." "We're going to get a good night's sleep. Tomorrow we're going to find out what happens if that button doesn't get pushed."

DAY SIXTY-FIVE:

2: 23 p.m. –LOST

We headed to the hatch early in the morning and I was still very confused by Locke's plan, but I went along with it anyway. Basically, all I needed to know was that it was my job to watch the Vegas room and signal them when Eko left. Desmond, who now was perfectly capable of handling all the hatch equipment, turned off the lights, which I didn't realize until much later was just bait to lure Eko out of the computer room. He went out the back way and Desmond, Locke, and I frantically ran into the computer room and Desmond immediately started playing with some wires. I still was confused with what was going on, so I just sat in the office chair and spun a bit. The big steel doors began to fall from the ceiling and Eko ran back to the Vegas room and, with the same mentality that Locke had with his, well, leg, tried shoving his Jesus Stick under the door to stop it from completely going down. But Locke was on the other side and skillfully snatched the Stick, causing Eko to wail and bang on the door.

"Neat trick," Locke said to Desmond.

"Nice catch," I said. Meanwhile, Eko kept pounding on the door and yelling at Locke. Desmond asked if Locke was sure about what he was doing.

"I'm more sure about this than anything in my entire life."

"JOHN!" Eko screamed.

"Alright then, box man," Desmond said. "We wait."

And we did wait. And waited. And waited. And waited… It's not very fun waiting for a timer to go down when all you have to entertain yourself is Desmond's stupid flashbacks. Even though when I saw him on that boat I felt the incredibly strong urge to start singing Bon Jovi's "Dead Or Alive".

"Do you think he'll go through the vent?" I asked.

"Nah, he won't be able to fit," Locke said.

"You think he might find someone that will?" Locke and Desmond exchanged glances.

"I…doubt it," Locke said. We sat in silence a little bit more. Desmond asked who the man pounding on the door was.

"His name is Mr. Eko," Locke said.

"Why does Mr. Eko carry around a stick covered in scripture?"

"Because he's a priest," Locke answered calmly.

"Open the door, please. John! Can you here me? Open up!" Eko yelled. Desmond glanced at the door and back at Locke.

"We locked out a priest?" he said, aghast. Well, Locke was adopted, so he never had a real mother to explain to him that it was rude to lock priests out of underground hatches. And, of course, Locke's coocoo for cocoa puffs, if you get my meaning. ...I don't get my meaning. I mean, Locke's a bit insane, okay?

"I have to go to the bathroom," I said, and walked through the door. I don't care anymore. I walked through the hatch and found it empty. I still had a hunch that Eko was up to SOMETHING. He wasn't going to give up without a fight. So, on my thought that he was going to find someone to go through the vent or something along those lines, I went to the beach. Now, who did Eko "befriend" recently that was small enough to go through the vent? And who was the guy that crawled through a tunnel last month or whenever to save Jack in that cave? ...Sayid? Oh, wait, it's Charlie! I always forget it when Charlie served as being useful. I popped over to Charlie's tent, where he was playing guitar, and he always gets cocky when he plays guitar. Thank Gandalf he wasn't singing. Eko ran over.

"Charlie, do you know how they got the hatch door open?" he asked frantically.

"No, but if you hum it, I could probably play it," Charlie answered, causing me to burst out laughing. Eko either didn't get it, or was too busy saving the world for Charlie's extreme stupidity.

"How did they open it -- the door that says 'quarantine'?" he asked. Charlie explained that we blew it up, and Eko said that he needed his help. Because Charlie has already proved how helpful he is.

"Oh, now I'm back in your good graces, Father?" Charlie asked in that nagging tone and getting all up in Eko's face. I slapped him. What? HE'S SO ANNOYING.

"Get over it, man!" I barked.

"Charlie, John has locked me out of the hatch. And I believe he is doing this because he is going to stop pushing that button. And, Charlie, I am absolutely certain that if he is successful, in 90 minutes everyone on this island will die," Eko explained. Charlie was in.

We raced to the jungle, but were slowed down for ten minutes because Charlie couldn't find the dynamite Eko was planning to blow the blast doors with. I stopped to catch my breath and Eko stopped too, watching Charlie as he frantically ran past us a few times trying to remember where the dynamite was hidden.

"Hurry, please," Eko said as we followed him again.

"Hurley showed me," Charlie said. "It's around here somewhere. It's definitely around, uh..."

"We're running out of time, Charlie!"

Charlie finally found the dynamite and Eko grabbed it, Charlie warning him about the instability of the dynamite and saying that he didn't want to end up like Arzt.

"Oh, yeah, Arzt!" I said. It feels like it's been a year since the Arzt incident. "Yeah, you don't want to end up like him." So Eko walked as fast as he could while cradling the dynamite and Charlie saying "Careful!" the whole way to the hatch.

"Careful. Eko, hey, Eko. Listen, what if we hurt them? Or blow up the computer?" Charlie asked once we were inside the hatch.

Eko placed the dynamite on the ground and said sinisterly, "You can leave now, Charlie."

Charlie, seeing that it was pointless to try to reason with Eko, tried the door instead. "John, it's Charlie. Let's work this thing out, John. John! Eko is very upset, John," he said.

"Well, that's an understatement," I said as I watched Eko hungrily rig the dynamite. "Just open this door and we can talk about it. John, you should know Eko is going to blow open the blast door."

"Blow it open with what?" Locke asked, as if he thought Charlie was bluffing or something.

"With dynamite from the old ship in the jungle." Geez, give it all away, Charlie! There was a very long pause in which Desmond had a flashback before Charlie banged on the door and warned Locke that he was about to be detonated. He still wasn't getting a response, so he went back to reason with Eko, which was a big mistake on his part. "Hey, what if John's right. What if it's just some colossal joke? You know, it's just some old computer connected to nothing? Maybe it's just a bunch of wire?"

Eko suddenly jumped up, shoved Charlie against the wall, and yanked off his belt (all in one shot, the man's got skillz) and threw it at the magnetic wall, where it stuck. Eko looked furious, while Charlie's face showed shock, confusion, betrayal… I laughed so hard. I mean, I know that there was a heavy feeling in the air, like something big that we couldn't control was going to happen, but still. That was a funny sight.

"I'll see myself out," Charlie said, walking over to the wall to retrieve his belt, looking very ashamed and still confused.

"John, this is your last time to end this. Open the door, and I will forgive you," Eko said into the door.

"Forgive me for what?" Locke yelled back. Eko took this as a signal to light the fuse.

"Hey, hey, Eko. Wait. Just wait a second. I don't think it's a good idea, Eko," Charlie squealed. "We're in a very confined area!" Eko dived behind a wall and Charlie started to run, and I realized I should get the hell out of here, but was waiting for the explosion, so I flung myself into the wall. A giant fireball followed Charlie as he ran and he dove out of the way just in time. Now that. Was cool.

5: 42 p.m. –LOST

After the bomb explosion I crawled through the vent and busted into the Vegas Computer room, where Desmond was listening to the door.

"I think your friends just blew themselves up, brother," he said to Locke.

"They're not my friends," Locke answered. It was here that I made my dramatic entrance of falling out of the vent and right on the ground. Desmond came to help me up.

"Where you out there, brother?" he asked. I coughed and nodded. "She doesn't look too good, Box Man," he said to Locke. I didn't feel good. When the bomb went off, it shook this hatch to its very foundation, and I just happened to be in the foundation. My brain felt like eggs, my legs like jelly. I insisted that I was alright and slumped right back to the ground and stayed there. Desmond and Locke continued to talk about their philosophical crap and not long after that they talked about the Architect's room, which I could've sworn was what Locke promised to talk about first thing. Whatever.

"The Pearl is a psychological station full of TV monitors. And two men sat in viewing chairs and filled notebooks with observations on what happens in here. And then they put the notebooks in pneumatic tubes and send them back to their headquarters so they could evaluate us -- as an experiment," Locke explained. Desmond looked… thoughtful? Well, he looked like he was really thinking about this. "What?"

"What if you've got it backwards?" he said.

"Backwards?" John asked. Inconceivable!

"What if the experiment wasn't on the two men in here, but on the two men in there? I want to see that tape."

"No, you can't. There's no way to see it down here." Well, that goes without saying. Unless Desmond knows about a VCR being in the hatch that none of us know about.

"Well, was there anything else in that station? Was there a computer?" Locke said there was, and Desmond demanded what it did. …Computer things?

"Nothing! It didn't do anything. It printed out numbers. Lots and lots of numbers."

"What printout, where is it?" Desmond said.

"Here, reading material for the next 19 minutes. Knock yourself out," Locke snapped, tossing the pile of papers over to Desmond. He looked through them while he went through ANOTHER flashback. I don't even pay attention to those things anymore. It's not like they have some vital information about this island or anything. Or, anything we won't eventually figure out ourselves.

"When did you come here?" Desmond asked anxiously. "The island -- when did you come here? How long ago?" Locke and I both yelled out numbers between sixty and sixty-five days.

A flustered Desmond asked hastily, "The date -- what was the date?"

"September 22nd," Locke answered. "It was September 22nd."

"I think I crashed your plane," Desmond said.

"What?" I said from my spot on the ground. "You… You bastard!"

"We need to push the button," Desmond said.

"No, we don't!" Locke said.

"Do you not hear me, brother? I crashed your bloody plane!" Desmond yelled.

"How did you manage to do that?" said Locke, obviously not understanding the seriousness of the situation.

"On that day, those numbers turned to hieroglyphics. And when the last one came down this whole started to shake. And that screen? That screen filled up with 'system failure'-" he held the printout in Locke's face "- System Failure. And I know what they are. 92204 -- September the 22nd, 2004, the day your plane crashed. It's real! It's all bloody real! Now, push the damn button!"

"I know what I saw! It's a lie; it's not real! None of it is real!"

"You don't want to push the button? Then I will," Desmond said, and time kind of slowed down and Locke said "Nooooooooo!" and threw the computer off the table.

"You killed us. You killed us all," Desmond wailed, opened the blast doors and ran out. I saw Charlie having trouble getting the unconscious Eko to wake up, so I staggered over and tried to help. Of course, even with me helping Charlie, there was no chance we'd be able to pick up Eko. We did ask for Desmond's help, but he instead grabbed a book and took off again. Wait… If Desmond kept saying in his flashbacks that he was going to read that book before he died, and he even managed to save it when he first crashed on the island with his boat, why didn't he take it with him again when he left? Well, I guess if he did, he probably would've left it on the boat or back at the beach, so we're pretty lucky he had it in here. But still… I went back in the Vegas room to see if Locke would come to his senses and help, but he was too busy arguing with Desmond (again philosophically) and Desmond opened the grate in the floor.

"I've got to go. And you've got to get as far away from here as possible," Desmond said. Now THAT? That is never good.

"Go where?" Locke asked. "Stop!"

"I'm going to blow the dam, John," Desmond explained. Wait… WHAT? "I'm sorry for whatever happened that made you stop believing. But it's all real. Now I've got to go and make it all go away."

"Wait, Desmond."

"I'll see you in another life, brother," Desmond said.

"Stop saying that!" I yelled. WHAT WAS GOING ON? I wasn't sure, but I had that feeling we were all screwed. Desmond looked at me and gave me a nervous smile. "Try not to kill us," I said.

Desmond grinned and said, "Can't promise that, brother."

"SYSTEM FAILURE. SYSTEM FAILURE…"

All the metal things started flying around and I ran over to the food pantry, where all the shelves were flying around the room. I don't mean to brag, but I skillfully 007ened my way through there and snatched my iLAND, and for a brief second I felt incredibly guilty that here I was, grabbing some tunes while everyone else's asses were on the line. But… Well, Charlie never dies, and as for the other three… They'll be fine! I popped over to the beach and collapsed, with my iLAND on. I thought for a second I died. The sky was purple, the ground was shaking, and everyone was covering their ears. And, of course, I was still wearing my headphones, so I thought everyone was trying to block out Bon Jovi. And, now that I think of it, that really would've sucked if I really had died and Heaven was just a big violet place that played "Blaze Of Glory" all the time on repeat. A little while later, everyone was clearing up the beach. I nicked the QUARANTINE door that flew off and was trying to drag it around with no one seeing, but of course EVERYONE noticed it. Luckily, Charlie showed up, yelling, so that took everyone's attention elsewhere. See? Charlie never dies. But I was worried, since Charlie was surprised that Eko and Locke never made it back to camp. But, of course, he spotted Claire, so that was the end of that. I dragged the door down the beach and wondered what the Fab Five were up to. Hope they weren't off getting themselves captured. I looked at the door and felt suddenly very cold. I looked around, and I wasn't on the island anymore. I was in a tent. A tent surrounded in snow, with two men playing chess and chatting it up. They didn't seem to notice me, and became suddenly very alarmed with something on the computer screen next to me. The screen read: "Electromagnetic Anomaly Detected". One man hurriedly picked up the phone and called someone named "Ms. Widmore".

"It's us," the man said. "I think we found it."

So maybe this is Heaven. Or a really ironic Hell.

-Tibby T

A/N: So, that was the final Diary for Season 2 of LOST. Long, innit? I probably will be back for next season, but till then, I think I'll take a little break. Until tomorrow, when I'll work on the latest installment of Drive Shaft. And maybe I'll finally do the genre jump and work on that SH fanfic I've been thinking about… Well, thanks for reading, and see you in another lifetime, brothers!


End file.
